Quotes from Angel

Angel: 'Scuse me. I'm sorry. Has anyone seen my car? It's big and shiny.

Doyle: Well, I like the place. Not much with the view, but it's got a nice Bat-Cave sort of an air to it.

Angel: You don't smell human.

Angel: Powers that be what?

Doyle: Let me tell you a little bedtime story.

Angel: Okay, so you told me the story of my life. Which, since I was there, I already knew. Why aren't I kicking you out?

Doyle: I get visions. Which is to say great splitting migraines that come with pictures.

Doyle: Have you looked in a mirror lately? No, I guess... you really haven't. No.

Angel: I'm not good with people.

Oliver: That wasn't a question. I'm Oliver. Ask anyone about Oliver. They'll tell you I'm a fierce animal. I'm your manager as soon as you call.

Angel: It's nice that she's grown as a person.

Doyle: Wait a minute! No, no! I'm not combat ready, man. I'm just the messenger!

Cordelia: Oh god. I'm sorry. I'm getting all weepy in front of you. I probably look really scary. I finally get invited to a nice place with... no mirrors... and .... lots of curtains.... Hey, you're a vampire!

Cordelia: I'm from Sunnydale. We had our own Hellmouth! I think I know a vampire when I ... am... alone with him in his fortress like home, and I you know I think I'm just feeling a little light-headed from hunger. I'm just wacky! And kidding!

Cordelia: Finally! I thought I was going to faint while barfing!

Angel: Really? Can you fly?...Guess not.

Angel: He went into the light.

Cordelia: I was just saying that if we're going to be helping people out, maybe a small charge. A fee. You know something to help pay the rent. And.... my salary. You need someone to organize things and you're not exactly rolling in it Mr. I-Was-Alive-for-200-Years-and-Never-Developed-an-Investment-Portfolio.

Cordelia: Of course this is just temporary, until my inevitable stardom takes effect!

Doyle: You know, there's a lot of people in this city that need helping.

Doyle: Tell her what a great guy I am.

Doyle: Great idea. Calling cards. Its not like you have a signal folks can shine in the sky whenever they need help.

Doyle: It's obviously not a butterfly, you idiot. It's a bird. No, no wait...it's an owl...no...

Angel: Seriously, I wasn't hitting on you.

Angel: I'm not good at this...talking.

Angel: Basically I help...uh...I'm a veterinarian.

Doyle: Violence is not gonna solve a thing...on the other hand, it's kind of festive.

Angel: Thanks Cordelia. I always appreciate your perspective.

Kate: I can go wherever I want...and you can go to Hell.

Doyle: I thought girls were supposed to like pretty things.

Cordelia: You promise you'll stay good?

Cordelia: It was supposed to go home, hotel, hotel, husband. Now, can we move on?

Spike: (girly voice) "How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad-hunk-of-a-knight-thing?"
(manly voice) "No need little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a bad-ass vampire. But love, and a pesky curse, defanged me. And now, I'm just a big fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No! Not the hair! Never the hair."
(girly voice) "But there must be some way I can show my appreciation."
(manly voice) "No, helping those in need's my job. And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough."
(girly voice) "I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so..."
(manly voice) "Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair gel I like so much. Quickly! To the Angel-mobile! Away!"

Cordelia: This is so awesome! Our first walk-in client. Everything is going according to plan! See girl in distress. See Angel save girl from druggie stalker boyfriend. See boyfriend go to jail. And see... invoice! Ta-Da!

Doyle: Cuz that's not money in your hand darlin'. That's mail.

Cordelia: But, she has to pay. Invoice! That's the rule of our whole, like, society!

Oz: Hello, L.A.

Cordelia: This is Doyle. He, air quote, works here.

Oz: We're usually laconic.

Cordelia: What? Still the brave little Slayer? Or is she moping around in the dark like..... nobody around here.

Cordelia: Okay, you're getting weird with this ring. Since when did you get all Versace about accessorizing?

Doyle: Just think of it, man: pool-side tanning, bargain matinees, plus there are several strip clubs I know of that have a fabulous luncheon buffet that's really quite tasty..... I've heard.

Cordelia: He'd celebrate the opening of a mailbox with a drink down at the pub.

Cordelia: Also, I don't think Oz appreciated being called My Little Bam Bam all night.

Angel: I do like to work with my legs.

Spike: A good plan. Smart. Carefully laid out. But I got bored. All that watching, waiting. My legs started to cramp.

Spike: Cordelia. You look smashing. You lose weight?

Spike: Did anyone ever tell you you're a hell of a buzz kill, mate?

Spike: I may be a slow learner, but eventually I catch on.

Doyle: I bet you he's hanging ten off the sandy shores of Malibu right about now - wind in his hair, bikini babes a whistlin'.

Spike: Marcus is an expert. Some say artist, but I've never been comfortable with labels. He's a bloody king of torture, he is. Humans, demons, politicians -- makes no difference. Some say he invented several of the classics, but he won't tell me which ones.

Spike: Do you two need to be alone? Or can we get on with the ouchie part?

Angel: Are you going to torture me, or just bore me to death?

Spike: Someone's having shish kabob.

Spike: Oh! Good lord! Why didn't I think of ... oh, half a mo... I did!

Spike: It's called addiction, Angel. We all have them. I believe yours is named Slutty the Vampire Slayer.

Angel: She's cuter when she's kicking your ass.

Cordelia: When you're through giving the place the full Johnny Depp-over, I hope you have the cash to pay for all this.

Spike: Oooo, the Mick's got spine. Maybe I'll snap it in two.

Spike: Um, tall, brooding guy? Cave Man brow? He's having the living hell tortured out of him.

Spike: To coin a popular Sunnydale phrase: Duh!

Spike: Now, now. Staking the torturer's strictly prohibited.

Spike: Now you made him mad. Wouldn't want to be in your chains.

Cordelia: It's not in the freezer, and it's not in the toilet tank. In the movies, it's always in one of those places.

Cordelia: This is not a needle in a haystack. This is a needle in Kansas.

Doyle: Well, you gotta get lucky sometimes.

Spike: I do the work. I do the digging. I fight off a Slayer. Drive to L.A. Hire the help. And what do I get? Royally screwed is what! Well that cinches it. No more partners. From now on, I'm my own man. Lone wolf. Sole survivor. Look out! Here comes Spike! The biggest, baddest mother... aaagh!

Cordelia: It's daylight, and you're ringless. Unless you're changing the act to Human Torch, I don't think so!

Angel: You never cracked me, Marcus. You tried, but you failed. Now that.... that's gotta be torture.

Oz: He's very pale. Paler than most people.

Angel: I'm not gonna wear the ring.

Doyle: You got a real addiction to the brooding part of life, anyone ever tell ya that?

Doyle: So what, you don't get the ring because your period of self-flagellation isn't over yet?

Doyle: And who'd look out for all the insomniacs?

Angel: I don't know about you, but I had a nice day. You know, except for the bulk of it where I was nearly tortured to death.

Doyle: Personally, I don't think you need much in the way of clothes.

Doyle: He likes playing the hero. Walking off into the dark, his long coat flowing behind him in that mysterious and attractive way.

Cordelia: Last week's coffee. Think of it as... espresso!

Angel: I'm not comfortable asking people for money.

Doyle: Maybe I'm a *little* attracted.

Cordelia: Well, as vampires go, you're pretty cuddly. Maybe you might want to think about mixing up the black-on-black look.

Cordelia: You're a lot smarter than you look. Of course, you look like a retard.

Cordelia: Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless.

Cordelia: Not everything has to be creepy and supernatural, you know.

Cordelia: Okay, flesh. Anytime you want to stop crawling is okay with me.

Kate: So, judging by your uncomfortableness I would say you're either about to ask me out on a date or you need a favor.

Cordelia: Ugh! What a fun date you must have been back in your Bad Vamp Days. On the other hand, it should give you some insight into the jerks of the world.

Cordelia: Steel boxes? Why would you want.... oh. For packing up people parts. You know, this job. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have it, god knows it's educational and all, but sometimes....

Cordelia: It's just so unfair. I mean, this poor girl, she hooks up with a *doctor*. That should be a good thing. You should be able to call home and say "Mom, guess what? I met a *doctor*" not "Guess what I met a psycho who's stalking me, and oh, by the way, his hands and feet come off, and he's not even in the circus."

Ronald: You can't be alive! You're not human!

Cordelia: Oh goody, recycled coffee. My personal favorite.

Cordelia: See? You can save a damsel *and* make decent money. Is this a great country or *what*!?

Cordelia: You think everything's a cause to celebrate.

Doyle: I just can't perform on demand.

Cordelia: If I hit you in the head, will you have a vision?

Cordelia: Well, stranger things have happened. No... wait... they really haven't.

Angel: I think she's one of Cordelia's group. People called them the Cordettes. A bunch of girls from wealthy families. They ruled the high school, decided what was in, who was popular. It's like the Soviet Secret Police if they cared a lot about shoes.

Doyle: You're all about money. What about friendship and family and all those things that are priceless…like they say in that credit card commercial?!

Cordelia: Get this, I tried to call Doyle--I sunk that low--and there was no answer. So, here I am. Not that you were a last resorts, just that I had nowhere else to go.

Cordelia: Do you have mousse? Of course you do.

Doyle: Angel, you knew I was crazy about her, and I was wearing her down, too. But no, handsome brooding vampire guy has to swoop in all sensitive mouth and overhanging forehead. How 'bout leaving some scraps for the homely-looking fellows who don't turn evil when they get some.

Cordelia: I wouldn't know, man doesn't have a mirror. Like it would kill him to not see himself.

Doyle: Finally! What is it with you and Angel? You gotta do everything the hard way.

Cordelia: It's amazing in there. What's wrong with it!?

Cordelia: Yes! And part of it being perfect is there being one *tiny* flaw for me to fix.

Cordelia: I'm from Sunnydale! You're not scaring me you know!

Cordelia: You know what? I get it. You're a ghost. You're dead! Big accomplishment! Move on! You see a light anywhere? Go towards it!

Cordelia: Whoo! Cold wind! Scary. What're you gonna do? Chap me to death?

Angel: You said when you got a place I was completely invited over.

Cordelia: I am not giving up this apartment.

Cordelia: This is easy. Little old lady ghost. Probably hanging around because she thinks she left the iron on.

Cordelia: Oh goody, another of Doyle's guys. Tell me, is this the same guy that helped me find my poltergeistilicious apartment?

Cordelia: Little old lady ghosts.... how come Patrick Swayze's never dead when you need him?

Doyle: Uh, Angel Investigations, we hope you're helpless.... no wait...

Cordelia: I'm not a sniveling, whining little cry-Buffy. I'm the nastiest girl in Sunnydale history. I take crap from no one!

Cordelia: Back off Polygrip!! You think you're bad? All mean and haunty? Picking on poor pathetic Cordy. Well, get ready to haul your wrinkly translucent ass outta this place, cuz lady.... the Bitch is back.

Cordelia: I'll tell you what I think. I think you're going to pack your little ghost bags and get the hell out of MY HOUSE!!!

Cordelia: Yeah, well, she pissed me off.

Cordelia: Hey, hey, phantom Dennis. Put that back! Dennis! When I'm on the phone, that's quiet time.

Doyle: Well, he appreciates us in his own . . . unappreciative way.

Cordelia: You do remember leaving us in a sewer with a giant calamari?

Cordelia: Mr. and Mrs. Spock need to mind meld now.

Cordelia: Nothing! I just find it endlessly fascinating how your instincts are so highly attuned when it comes to boring old evil, but you have yet to make any mention of these new shoes.

Doyle: Great shoes! New?

Kate: I get that. I'm just saying he must be in some kind of pain to have to strike out at others in that way.

Kate: Boy, I'm scared. And excited. And consumed with dread. And glad you're here.

Cordelia: All right, I'm here. What's the big emergency? These middle of the night hours are really eating into my potential social life. Why I ever thought it was a nifty idea to work for a vamp...triloquist. Hi!

Kate: You have the most intense eyes. I see such an old soul.

Cordelia: I'm so glad we came down here to watch Late Night with Creepy Cop Lady.

Cordelia: Can we get you some coffee? Or valium? Or both?

Kate: Well we could do that, but see I have this... ...gun. And I don't want to come off as insensitive, but if either one of you try and stop me I'll have to blow you the crap away.

Angel: My parents were great. Tasted a lot like chicken.

Cordelia: He put the whammie on you! You stink with whammie!

Angel: He admitted it to me after I threatened him with physical violence.

Doyle: You're the police. You can't close!

Angel: There's always time to be considerate of others, Cordelia.

Angel: Hey! I'm feeling some serious negative energy in this room.

Angel: Okay, now I'm feeling unheard.

Cordelia: If I'm not here in the morning, you can just clear out my desk. I'll be moving on up.

Doyle: Hey, the only money in my family is underneath the couch cushions.

Cordelia: You were so…brave.

Cordelia: All I can think of is if this wimp saw a monster, he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run like a weasel. Turns out the shoe part was giving him too much credit.

Cordelia: All of a sudden rich and handsome isn't enough for me. Now I expect a guy to be all brave and interesting. And it's your fault! Both of you!

Cordelia: As if I wasn't confused enough, then Doyle comes along and rescues me like some...badly dressed super hero.

Cordelia: You know, the first thing he asked? "Are you okay?" I mean, that's like...substance, right?

Cordelia: Maybe Doyle does have hidden depths. I mean, really *really* hidden. But depths. And I'm gonna have to buy him a mochaccino for saving my life.

Harriet: I'm definitely the yin to his yang, but it works. He's got a good heart, Francis, just like you.

Doyle: When things go wrong and you're young like that, you don't just say "Hey, thanks for the blender. I wish you well." You fight. You tear each other apart until one of you can't take it.

Doyle: I knew that nice guy routine was just an act. He's working a spell on her. She's gonna sprout hubcaps from her head or something.

Cordelia: Well you shouldn't be trying to eat my friend's brains, you horrible ugly demon people!

Harriet: Oh please, Uncle John. When's the last time you pried yourself away from ESPN long enough to spill the blood of a she-goat?

Cordelia: Well, someone has to go out there and cheer him up...Oh please. Someone with a heart beat.

Cordelia: I think it; I say it. It's my way.

Cordelia: Batten down the hatches. Here comes hurricane Buffy.

Cordelia: You have so much to learn, little Irish man.

Angel: Look, Buffy will always be a part of me, and that's never gonna change but she's human...and I'm not...and that's also never gonna change.

Angel: I was in the neighborhood...skulking.

Cordelia: Oh, they'll be into this for awhile, we still have time for a cappuccino and probably the director's cut of the Titanic.

Buffy: It was rude. We should go kill it.

Angel (commercial): "And you can count on me. Because I'm the Dark Avenger."

Cordelia: Angel is all wrong for this commercial! He's a larger than life character, way too Braveheart for Joe Couch Potato to relate to. We need someone who's average, run of the mill, ordinary...you're perfect.

Cordelia: Come over here into the light, and let's see if we can create some cheekbones.

Doyle: I don't know what we need evil for when we've got you right here.

Cordelia: I feel kind of hopeless with him down there doing the nonprofit brooding. It's not like he has a heart. How can it be broken?

Doyle: I don't see Angel putting on tights...Oh, now I do and it's really disturbing.

Doyle: Is this a private catharsis, or can anyone watch?

Doyle: There's a girl upstairs who's not quite sad enough to cry in me arms, but keep up the dark cloud. I might get lucky.

Doyle: All right, one of us has been drinking, and I'm sad to say it isn't me.

Angel: You never know your strength until you're tested.

Doyle: You've lived and loved and lost and fought and vanquished inside a day, and I'm still trying to work up the nerve to ask Cordy out for dinner.

Doyle: Tell you what. You fight, and I'll keep score.

Cordelia: Angel started the day over knowing he'd remember everything that happened?

Cordelia: Whoever you saw just now...did it look like they could afford to pay?

Cordelia: Okay, mission statement check: Aren't we supposed to be battling the forces of darkness?

Cordelia: This guy owes Angel money? Why aren't we collecting?!

Cordelia: What do you think I am, superficial?! I mean, you're half demon. That is so far down the list -- way under short ... and poor.

Doyle: A good fight, yeah? You never know until you've been tested. I get that now.

Doyle: Too bad we'll never know...if this is a face you could learn to love.

Doyle: Is that it? Am I done?

Barney: I just realized it's 3:45 in the afternoon. Middle of the day. If you're a vampire, why aren't you in your coffin?

Angel: Vampires don't sleep in coffins. It's a misconception made popular by hack writers and ignorant media. In fact, you know, we can and do move around during the day, as long as we avoid direct sunlight. 'K? Got it?

Cordelia: I didn't ask for this responsibility, unlike some people who shall remain lifeless.

Cordelia: Boy! Howdy! And guess what, you know how they *look* painful? Well they *feel* a whole lot worse.

Angel: You're my link to The Powers That Be.

Cordelia: I don't care. I want it out of me. And if kissing's the only way to get rid of it, I will smooch every damn frog in this kingdom!

Angel: Behave yourself. I don't want to find you two necking on the couch when I get back.

Cordelia: Doyle? He drank too much, and his taste in clothing was like a Greek tragedy. And he could be really sweet sometimes. You'll like this, he was half-demon -- a secret he kept from for, like, *ever*. I guess that's the reason he sometimes smelled weird.

Wesley: A lone wolf such as myself never works with anyone. I'm merely allowing Angel to assist me.

Cordelia: Wow. What's a rogue demon?

Angel: I had someone by my side. He's dead now. I'm not gonna let that happen again. I work alone.

Cordelia: I hope you like your coffee black because the only lightener the boss has in his refrigerator is O positive.

Angel: In case you're wondering, this is me looking for clues. Feel free to join in any time you want.

Cordelia: I'm really not a seer. I only had a vision once, and I'm pretty sure it was just something I ate!

Angel: Well, I was lucky. I had a Rogue Demon Hunter on my side.

Cordelia: This I frame for saving my life, and as a reminder that something of Doyle's is here in our office.

Wesley: No rest for the wicked fighters. Through storm and rain, heat and famine, deep painful gnawing hunger, I go.

Cordelia: One of the perks of the job: After an all-nighter of fighting the lurking evil, we get eggs!

Cordelia: He's a good cook for someone on a liquid diet.

Cordelia: Nobody likes a smart-ass rogue demon hunter.

Cordelia: And, wow, you look half-dead. Which for someone who's completely dead would be...kinda neat?

Cordelia: Kinda rude coming into a vampire's place of business with one of those things, dont'cha think? Could be misinterpreted.

Cordelia: A glamorous LA life. I get to make the coffee and chain the boss to the bed. Gotta join a union.

Cordelia: A real psycho-wan Kenobi.

Kate: Angel, are you okay? Not that the brooding, man of mystery think isn't working for you. I mean, it is. A lot.

Angel: Got held up in Romania.

Penn: We're not people.

Cordelia: Oh crap! You're him...he...the guy. Apt pupil boy.

Penn: Look who's back from his Up With People meeting.

Penn: How does that work exactly? You just wake up one morning and decide, "ok, now I'm good"?

Kate: I looked it up. It's all right there. The demon with the face of an angel. Particularly brutal bastard, by all accounts.

Cordelia: It's the same place. New name and a face lift. Not the first time that's happened in this town.

Angel: Relax, that's only if you're humans. Breaking and entering another vampires lair is no problem.

Angel: I don't hum.

Angel: Maybe we could be a little less young and carefree with the filing?

Angel: We seem to be evil-free at the moment.

Wesley: If shaking your booty at the latest trendy hot spot is your idea of a life, then call me...sick with envy.

Emily: Your boss can give me the third degree anytime.

Cordelia: Alright, Dennis. Knock it off. This is the one guy I've actually liked in a long time. And if you keep killing the mood, I'll kill you! Alright, empty threat -- you being a ghost and already dead. But I'll do something worse! I'll play Evita around the clock -- the one with Madonna!

Cordelia: I'm ready to wake up now. I don't seem to be waking up.

Cordelia: What would I say to him? "I had a really great time. I think you left something at my place?"

Wesley: Wesley Wyndham-Price, Rogue Demon Hunter. And I'm here to fight you, sir, to the death -- preferably yours.

Cordelia: I really hate dating.

Cordelia: Okay, I learned that I have two people I trust absolutely with my life. And that part's new.

Angel: Hi, Dennis. How ya doin'?...Still dead? I know the feeling.

Cordelia: I'm so glad you came. You know how parties are. You're always worried that nobody's going to be around to suck the energy out of the room like a giant black hole of boring despair. But there you were, in the clinch!

Cordelia: Laura thought you hated her; I had to tell her you were challenged.

Angel: I got two modes with people: bite and avoid. Hard to shift.

Cordelia: Wesley, *stop* kissing butt. It's not like we get overtime.

Angel: I can hear you now. These things were definitely cooked up by a bored warlock.

Cordelia: I bet he forgot to turn that thing on again. You'd think a guy who knows how to use an ancient Scythian short bow could figure out how to use a cell phone.

Angel: Here's the plan: We go in. I start hitting people hard in the face, see where it takes us.

Guy: I'm sorry, no Jhiera here, but I already see I can help you. First, let's talk about the clothes vibe.

Cordelia: Wow. Groveling isn't just a way of life for you. It's an art.

Wesley: What happened yesterday was an anomaly. I'm very rarely taken hostage.

Wesley: That blade is very old, who knows what kind of corrosive effect your cooking may have on it.

Angel: Cordelia, just put down the very sharp knife.

Cordelia: Hi, I'm Cordelia! Sorry about the possession and everything.

Cordelia: Jeez, we got it! Circle, angry, kill-kill-kill! Go to church already.

Cordelia: Good! We can watch TV or play cards. You'll get caught up, won't even hear your sons pain.

Cordelia: It's almost over. And Angel is good at this kind of thing. And Wesley...well, I'm sure they'll be right back with the priest.

Wesley: Skimming the surface of my mind. Very good. But a mere parlor trick. Here's one for you -- how many crosses am I holding up?

Angel: I know you're not planning to kill me, Wesley. But you're willing to, and that's good.

Ethros: Do you know what the most frightening thing in the world is? Nothing. That's what I found in the boy.

Kate: Should I call the coroner or hazardous materials?

Kate: The Evil Thing wasn't an evil Thing?

Kate: Angel, there's nothing here. Your not evil Evil Thing was just evil, okay?

Angel: I don't know. Ever since she ran me through with a two by four, things have been different.

Angel: Strange. Somehow, you seemed taller when I was alive.

Angel: I'm already dead. Welcome to the club.

Angel: Never trust an evil Evil Thing.

Ernie: Jack doesn't have any friends. Just people he doesn't owe.

Cordelia: Okay, first I say yuck, and then I hit search.

Angel: We'll have so much to talk about during the long winter nights.

Wesley: You should understand that the man I work for means a great deal to me, and I will not give you a single red cent. What I will do, sir, is beat it out of you, if I have to.

Angel: That wasn't the first life I've taken -- or the twenty-first.

Wesley: I may be able to make one myself -- if I could get my hands on one of those cuffs, which isn't going to be easy…unless you happened to procure one while I wasn't looking.

Cordelia: You'd think people would get enough gratuitous violence watching Jerry Springer.

Wesley: I need to see Angel. Tall fellow. Prominent brow.

Cordelia: We weren't going to let anything happen to you. Well, I mean beyond the slavery and the severe beatings and stuff.

Wesley: We might try shouting fire...It's not technically a crowded theater.

Angel: And I thought I knew eternity.

Angel: Hey, you know, it was a night in the theater I'll never forget.

Cordelia: It was a seminal show. Canceled by the idiot network. I was gonna picket them, but I didn't have any comfortable shoes.

Angel: I'm a night person.

Cordelia: My first big connection in Hollywood, and you practically throw her outta the office. Haven't you ever heard of networking?

Cordelia: Oh no! Not now! Aah! What's this I see in my vision? Ooh! It's a figure. A woman! It's Rebecca. She's in danger. Terrrrible danger...Great. Just great. Because Mr. Distant has intimacy issues, I lose my brush with fame.

Rebecca: Well, there's a support group for everything in this town, I guess.

Cordelia: Hey, you weren't around the last time Angel went mental. I, on the other hand, was on the first wave of the clean-up crew.

Cordelia: I owe it to that poor girl to see if he ended up chowing down on my one link to fame.

Cordelia: Well, judging by the outfit, I guess it's safe to come in. Evil Angel never would have worn those pants.

Angelus: Tell you what. I'll torture ya for a few unbelievably long hours, and you can tell me if this is the lifestyle for you.

Angelus: Good news, Wes Old Boy! You don't have an inferiority complex. You're just simply inferior.

Angelus: You had to be there. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, everybody was just laughing so hard.

Cordelia: Angelus may not be the most relaxing company, but at least he's honest! Shouldn't I expect the same from the non-evil version of my friends?  

Angel: Name Marquez?...Good. I hate saving the wrong guy.

Angel: You're gonna have to face your demons some time.

Lindsey: I hate failure when there's no one else to blame it on.

Cordelia: Unfortunately, we don't really do divorce cases. No, it's not about the money. Oh! It's about *that* much money! How soon can we meet?

Cordelia: You can always tell when he's happy. His scowl? Slightly less scowl-y.

Cordelia: According to the husband, the wife's a real witch.

Cordelia: And while we're on the subject, I think one of us should apply for a small business loan. Just to get us through the rough spots. I mean, what's a 30-year loan to you?

Faith: That was so cool! This is gonna be fun.

Cordelia: Angel, it's not Wesley's fault that "some British guy" ruined your...oh wait. That was you. Go on.

Faith: Dude, I'm getting *paid*. They hate you almost as much as I do.

Faith: Don't poop out on me, dammit! Otherwise this is all just gonna be over too fast. You'll be dead, and I'll be...bored.

Faith: Now, we've only done one of the five basic torture groups. We've done blunt, but that still leaves sharp, cold, hot, and loud. Have a preference?

Faith: Admit it, Wesley, didn't you always kind of have the hots for me?

Faith: How do I know you're really in this? I mean, if I kill him, would that help? Or just be really funny?

Angel: You feel young, do you, Faith? You're looking pretty worn out to me.

Cordelia: Well, if it's any consolation, it really does look like you were tortured by a much larger woman.

Wesley: Won't she find it difficult enjoying delicious jelly-filled donuts, if she is, one assumes, bound and gagged?

Wesley: I do not, however, understand why the woman who brutally tortured me last night, this morning gets pastries.

Cordelia: Like I'm gonna stick around here while psycho case is roaming loose downstairs, with three tons of medieval weaponry. Not! Oh, and I was thinking, suger high, maybe not a great idea.

Faith: I gotta be the first Slayer in history to be sponsored by a vampire.

Buffy: You apologize to me, I will beat you to death.

Buffy: A cry for help is when you say "help" in a loud voice.

Buffy: I'm sorry, I can't be in your club. I've never murdered anybody.

Wesley: It's because I trust you. Well…more than three gun toting maniacs at any rate.

Faith: What do you wanna do? You gonna throw me off the roof? Again?

Angel: That's great. It's nice...you moved on. I can't. You found someone new. I'm not allowed to, remember? I see you again, it cuts me up inside, and the person I share that with is me. You don't know me anymore, so don't come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things you way. Go home.

Angel: For a taciturn shadowy guy, I got a big mouth.

Cordelia: What? No. Money. I like to smell a little money once and awhile.

David: I've always said that I could make a billion dollars in the software and learn to talk to girls. I'm...still working on step 2.

Cordelia: Don't worry, we're incredibly discreet. We'll mingle here for a few hours so no one suspects.

Angel: Ow! You know, for some reason, I'm getting the impression you don't like me too much. Maybe I'm just overreacting.

Angel: Ah. Ah. Can I just see that check again?

Gunn: I don't need advice from some middle class white dude that's dead!

Alana: On this side, there's no guilt, no grief. Just the hunt and the kill. And the fun!

Angel: How am I supposed to fight evil if they won't even put it behind bars?

Angel: You always have a choice. You sold your soul for a fifth floor office and a company car.

Angel: Ooof. I nodded off. Did you get to the part where you're evil?

Cordelia: Why are you going in at all? I thought Born Again Boy was gonna do it?

Cordelia: Well then, it seems pretty simple -- except for the you'll- definitely-get-caught factor.

Cordelia: Are you telling me self-mutilating, psycho assassin chick reached enlightenment?

Lindsey: You're offering me my job back?

Cordelia: He sure gets testy when he's translating.

Cordelia: Nobody gets my humor.

Cordelia: He certainly took that well. Is this that opportune time to talk about my raise?

Cordelia: I ever meet those Powers That Be, I am going to punch them in the nose. Do you think they have a nose?

Cordelia: Well, it's a prophecy. It's not like it came from on high.

Cordelia: Angel faces death all the time. Just like a normal guy who faces waffles and french fries. It's something he faces every day, like . . . lunch! Are you hungry?

Wesley: That fact that his death is prophesied, which isn't good news, doesn't concern me nearly as much as the way he took that news.

Cordelia: Well, he's going to have to start wanting things from life, whether he wants to or not!

Cordelia: You're cut off from life. But don't worry, I'm going to help you with that.

Angel: I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for everything you can't handle. You want to be enemies? Try me.

Oracle: I can't stay long. I've been dead a while. So far, I don't like it.

Gunn: You get enough iron? You look a little pale…Okay, it's traditional in the human world to humor people who've done favors for you in the past.

Angel: Don't believe everything you're foretold.

Cordelia: Don't be embarrassed. We're family.

Wesley: It's saying that you get to live until you die. It's saying…It's saying you become human.

Cordelia: Typical. I hook up with the only person in history who ever came to LA to get older.

Season two

Lindsey: He's taken from both of us. So when you feel ready, we'll start thinking about giving a little back.

Darla: Angel. It's been a long time. I'd love to see that boy.

Cordelia: Dennis is very sensitive. He's trying to help. He's more a person than a . . .G-H-O-S-T.

Cordelia: Your stool pigeon feels safe in a karaoke bar?

Angel: I don't sing.

Angel: Three things I don't do: tan, date, and sing in public.

Wesley: What? We're supposed to think a creature like that could change his modus operandi overnight? Turn into some noble protector and. . . defender of. . . . oh God.

Cordelia: Thanks for the obscure visions! We're doing great with that.

Angel: I'm the scumbag who killed him.

Gunn: You gonna hang here and soak up the guilt?

Cordelia: We set 'em up; we knock 'em down. Well, we did until Angel knocked down the wrong. . . I'm sure he's getting on top of it now.

Cordelia: You can't see everything. You're just a vampire like everyone else. . . that didn't come out right.

Angel: I thought I was out of the tunnel.

Cordelia: That man will do anything to save a life.

Host: You're just the hot ticket. One night only, two seats left, partially obstructed view.

Angel: Nice horse. Try not to make me look stupid out there, okay?

Pregnant Woman: You sure seem to bleed a lot.

Angel: I had to sing Barry Manilow.

Cordelia: Huh? No. That's cinnamon. What? I can't try something?

Angel: Maybe you shouldn't go wandering into other men's rooms.

Cordelia: You did notice that Angel neglected to tell us the, for instance, point of all this?

Wesley: Frankly, I haven't the slightest idea what to do with all this. We could make a collage. Or a mobile!

Cordelia: Yup! It's not that vampires don't photograph. It's just that they don't photograph well.

Angel: Maybe it was the wallpaper that drove him to it.

Cordelia: It's kinda like a puzzle -- the Who Died Horribly Because Angel Screwed Up 50 Years Ago Game?

Angel: It's been a long time since I've opened a vein, but I'll do it if you pull any more of that Van Helsing Jr. crap with me. Are we clear?

Judy: I'm so sorry I killed you. Can you forgive me?

Wesley: I've been accused of a great many things in my time, but paranoid has never been one of them. Unless people have been saying it behind my back.

Wesley: Angel. You don't find me especially paranoid, do you?

Angel: I still can't believe you're here. I mean, I killed you.

Cordelia: This isn't mere dust. This is Son of Dust. This is the kind of dust that spawns countless generations of little baby dust.

Cordelia: Sort of missing the whole Creature of the Night angle, isn't he?

Cordelia: He doesn't *use* a coffin. And maybe you've never heard the expression "Let sleeping vampires lie"?

Cordelia: We paged you two days ago.

Cordelia: Me? Drive your car? Cool!

Wesley: Shotgun!

Angel: Who doesn't love Denzel?

Cordelia: Do you know what he's going to do to me when he finds out I let his car get stolen? I mean, what are the chances that a vampire has full insurance with a low deductible?

Gunn: Paging Miss About to Be Thrown Out of a Moving Vehicle!

Wesley: Looks good. Hop on board gorgeous.

Wesley: Well, our discussions tend to go about 3 minutes, then it's strictly name calling and hair pulling.

Cordelia: You can't fire me. I'm Vision Girl.

Wesley: We should definitely approach this girl with caution. I guess you already figured that out.

Gunn: You call; I come. Loaded for bear. Ready for battle. Somethin' else that starts with "B."

Gunn: You got it. But if I come back here on the end of a spatula, I'm expectin' some *serious* workman's comp.

Cordelia: Top of the middle of the day to you, too.

Cordelia: Well, all evidence to the contrary, Wes, but you're not a woman.

Cordelia: There's not enough yuck in the world.

Cordelia: You can't fire Wesley! I'll quit, too! Unless you're firm.

Bethany: You sound like an old guy.

Angel: You wouldn't like me when I'm happy.

Bethany: Make love? What, are you from the 18th century?

Bethany: Right. You love the people. You love them so much, you've got a hundred rooms to be alone in.

Gunn: You're a very graceful man. Have I ever mentioned that?

Cordelia: The thing about Angel? He's old-fashioned. OLD-fashioned. Like, the Age of Chivalry.

Cordelia: Those guys are better off squashed, I truly think. But, somewhere in that moment of panic, a decision got made and I don't want the same thing to happen to my friends. Or -- and I can't stress this enough -- me.

Cordelia: Bethany!! You can squash those guys!!

Cordelia: According to my figures, if we're frugal and garner some paying clientele soon, we're financially sound through last Wednesday.

Angel: Gaah! I didn't doze off. Here I am. Where were we?

Angel: Saint Bridget's, in Fremont. A convent, built on native burial grounds. The land's cursed, they had eight murders in two years before the whole place burned to the ground, which is nothing compared to what happened at Our Lady of Lochenbee...I got a thing for convents.

Cordelia: He has Visa, MasterCard, a problem! He's our target audience!

Cordelia: You know what you need? You need to go back to work. We have an exciting new case: could be aliens, could be adultery. It's a corker!

Angel: Guess you didn't take that whole dust to dust thing to heart, did you?

Cordelia: Guys, that was really fun -- the public humiliation, running from the hotel security staff, and the nifty outfit which seemed to tell so many conventioneers "pet me, I'm a whore."

Cordelia: Angel Investigations -- we solve big problems for small prices!

Gunn: He turns evil?

Cordelia: Imagine Bonnie and Clyde if they had 150 years to get it right.

Angel: Better embrace that mediocrity, honey. You're talking about your own kind now.

Angel: You took me places, showed me things. You blew the top off my head. But you never made me happy.

Darla: See? No matter how good a boy you are, God doesn't want you...But I still do.

Cordelia: Do you have any clothes a man would wear?

Angel: I'm not insane and I'm not angry.

Angel: Um. Maybe I'm a little angry.

Gunn: Wait. Are you saying... Is he gonna sing? Oh God, is Angel gonna sing?

Host: You don't have to sing. A break for you, a break for me, a break for Mr. Manilow.

Cordelia: Right, right. This is Angel: Oh, no. I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins and then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking about snapping completely, maybe on Friday.

Swami: Vampire living in a city known for its sun, driving a convertible...Why do you hate yourself?

Cordelia: Yes! The point of a gun! He just walked Wesley right out of here. And this whole "I'm Angel" thing is a very, very bad idea. I mean, if I thought that would work, I could've been Angel, because, guess what, pretty much a girly name.

Wesley: I'm the vampire with a soul. Fighting for my redemption with...with... killing evil demons. That's right! Scourge of the demon world. Don't worry, boys, I don't kill humans. Unless I'm really angry.

Cordelia: What? I'm rescuing you! Key ingredient... we leave!

Angel: He got hit. Why is Wesley wearing my coat?

Angel: Um...? Can I have my coat back?

Gunn: I coulda told you she wasn't a virgin.

Cordelia: One day as Angel?! One day and he's getting some?

Angel: The curse isn't even all that clear!

Angel: I'm not a eunuch.

Angel: No, no. Happy for him. "Of the Wyndam-Pryce Agency"? There's no Wyndam-Pryce Agency.

Darla: God, yes. So many things. I remember them all. Which one were you thinking of?

Cordelia: She could be sitting on top of anybody.

Angel: Come on guys. We are a detective agency. We investigate things. That's what we're good at.

Cordelia: Before he said he could smell her. How about we cruise around with the top down and you take big whiffs? Well, we'll wait until after the sun sets obviously.

Darla: His name would already be legend in his home village had he left anyone alive there to tell the tale.

Angelus: Tell the truth - whose face do you want to look at for eternity? His or mine?

Drusilla: No. He's head's too full of you, grandmother.

Cordelia: Sure I do. My older, way older, like 400 years older, blonde sister Darla, no last name. I've been desperately trying to find her because mom and dad are in the coma. Sue, the property manager was - very helpful. She even cried.

Darla: It's nice. - But it's not me you want to screw. It's him. You all think you can use me to get to Angel.

Darla: No. Nobody understands. Nobody can understand. I can feel this body dying, Lindsey. I can feel it decaying moment by moment. It's being eaten away by this thing inside of it. It's a cancer, this soul!

Darla: You took him from me. You stole him away. You gave him a soul.

Cordelia: Hi Darla. He can't talk right now. He'll call you back once he's found it -- Yeah, bye-bye.

Angel: There is a hell. A few of them. I've been to one.

Angel: I want things to be like they were. You and me together Darla. I miss the view.

Angel: If this is a trick, just know that I'll be coming back for you. Hell, I just might be coming back for you anyway.

Angel: Favor. Is that what you think? You think you did me a favor? You damned me.

Cordelia: Au contraire. His day is packed. Brood about Darla. Brood about Darla. Lunch! Followed by a little Darla brooding.

Cordelia: Uh-huh, time to traipse off to your shallow, soul-sucking Hollywood party?

Cordelia: Who does shallow better than me?

Gunn: And what am I supposed to do? Sit home and knit?

Wesley: Oh, I-I'm sure you can pull it off. You're…colorful.

Gunn: Depends. Do we all got to wear these ugly ass shirts? Is this, you know, a team thing? Because, you know, I got my pride.

Gunn: Oh, no body heat. I guess that comes with the no soul thing, huh?

Cordelia: I got it! Jeez, back seat surfer!

Cordelia: Okay. Two words I don't like right off the bat: tomb and unearthed. People, you've got to leave your tombs earthed!

Cordelia: I'm not big on shrouds. They're an after you die outfit.

Cordelia: This has nothing to do with purity. This is all about dominance, buddy. You can bet if someone ordered a male body part for religious sacrifice the world would be atheist like that.

Cordelia: I get the picture. - So in order to take his mind off the torment that is Darla, we sent Angel after a box that makes you crazy.

Gunn: When are they gonna start making some pretty demons?

Angel: Wow! Look at you rushing in here all by yourself! You're the best cop ever.

Angel: Oh Katie - what are you so afraid of? Is it this? Is it the part where I'm gonna kill you? Because I got to tell you I love that in a woman!

Cordelia: So, on top of everything else we may have reawakened his bloodlust?

Cordelia: He's been down in that cellar a long time.

Angel: Mmmm, don't you love it when they're still warm from the dryer? Wrinkle-free, right -- after you iron it for fifteen minutes.

Cordelia: Yeah, you seem all calm and homey -- are you on drugs?

Angelus: Place like Romania, they really know how to treat a creature of the night.

Darla: I wasn't in danger, Angelus! Believe me. I picked a stupid one. I always pick the stupid ones! Didn't you know that?

Cordelia: Yes, but you were just soulless bloodsucking demons. They're lawyers.

Lindsay: Yeah. Looks like our Darla was a working girl in the New World. The syphilis is what she was dying from when she was human. Now she's human again... kind of picking up where she left off -- Of course, today something like that could be cleared up with a few antibiotics. That is, if you catch it soon enough. In this case, we were about a month and, oh, four hundred years too late.

Angel: And then, what, Lindsey? You and her can be together? If I were to do it, if I turned her - how long do you think before she hunted you down and had you for breakfast? Gotta say - that thought alone almost makes it worth it.

Angel: Sure, 'cause if you had water in there you'd get all wet and miss out on the skull crushing.

Angel: I'm either coming back with a cure or you're about to see something kind of funny...

Valet: Isn't the world better with you in it? You can save so many people. It seems she can barely save herself.

Darla: Angel, I see it now. Everything you're going through, everything you've gone through. I've felt it. I've felt how you care -- in a way no one's ever cared before. Not for me. That's all I need from you.

Lindsay: How did you think this would end?

Gunn: No, no, what I'm saying is, that means the granddaughter remade the grandmother.

Drusilla: I'm going to be a mummy!

Cordelia: Hitting the pause button. Wolfram and Hart, as in vampire detectors, crack security system and armed guards. Nice Plan, General Custer.

Gunn: You had me at: Everyone, gear up.

Drusilla: You're all new again!

Angel: I'd be careful who you offer hand to, Mr. Manners. You might just loose it. Isn’t that right, Lindsey?

Darla: Dru honey, in our new digs, we have to put in a people cellar.

Drusilla: Yeah, yeah. Spank us till Tuesday. We promise to be bad if you do.

Angel: And yet, somehow, I just can't seem to care.

Angel: I do. You're all fired.

Cordelia: Darla. It's all about Darla. One thing you can say about Angel, at least he's consistent - it's always some little blonde driving him over the edge.

Cordelia: I don't get it - are we late? We didn't feel late in my head.

Darla: Why is everyone trying to make this about Angel? For God's sake, can't a woman wreak a little havoc without there being a man involved?

Darla: Who was that?

Gunn: That's an Angel? Looks like a - a lobster with a - growth or... We'll make our own logo.

Gunn: I'm so glad I met you guys. It's entertaining. Really.

Host: Man, you just get darker and darker. And the weird thing is, your aura? Beige.

Angel: Oh, I have an idea. Can you just get to the point already?

Wesley: Join us. Sometimes you need to wallow. Just let the depression settle in silently.

Virginia: Money. It cures everything but boredom and food cures boredom, so there you go. Imported chips and packets of cheese.

Host: Someone had to drive. You weren't exactly qualified, huddled under a blanket in back, hiding from the sun.

Host: I said we come in peace. I don't think he believed me.

Host: I'm the host. Have you met me? I never shut up. You pushed your friends away. You went from helping the helpless to hunting down the guilty. Blood vengeance is a luxury of the lesser beings. You're a champion, Angel. I mean you were, at least.

Angel: You want to know what my problem is? I'm screwed. That's my problem. I can't win. I'm trying to atone for a hundred years of unthinkable evil. News flash! I never can! Never going to be enough. Now I got Wolfram and Hart dogging me, it's too much! Two hundred highly intelligent law-school graduates working fulltime driving me crazy. Why the hell is everyone so surprised that it's working? But no, it's "Angel, why are you so cranky?" "Angel, you should lighten up. You should smile. You should wear a nice plaid."

Host: It's not always gonna be this way. The song changes. Unless, of course, we don't get there on time, in which case - you'll be frozen in this crappy mood forever. I shudder to think.

Angel: Well, you know - love it's a fire. It burns you. Alive. Down to the bone. And then it turns the bone to ash...

Angel: Well, the guy is a disaster at love, and nearly destroyed the world. I can relate.

Cordelia: Maybe we could by one of those star maps, find out where Steven Segal lives. You're telling me he got to be a movie star without a little demonic assistance?

Angel: You don't make that funny expression when I knock, or if you do I don't see it.

Anne: Well, I just thought I'd see how the other half lives and strangely enough, it's not that different.

Gunn: Yeah, that's if we ever find any. I never had to look so hard to find trouble before.

Gunn: Damn. Someone having an apocalypse and forget to invite us?

Cordelia: This is no time for circuits busy! So, don't tell me circuits are busy. If the circuits are busy - get some new circuits now!

Wesley: And yet...Is this morphine? Well, it's bloody lovely!

Cordelia: Well, that's great. Too bad it takes a gunshot wound to make you give a crap. Wesley doesn't need you right now. We don't need you. You walked away. Do us a favor and just stay away.

Cordelia: Yeah. It's LA. The evil's probably just tied up in traffic or something.

Lindsey: I'm always dirty.

Host: Most anything that can manifest in order to move in this dimension can be killed. Kinda the down side of being here. That and the so-called 'musicals' of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Angel: I'm a vampire. Look it up.

Angel: I'm not playing. I just wanna feel something besides the cold.

Darla: Well, I don't accept this. You cannot tell me that wasn't perfect. Not only have I been around for four hundred years, I used to do this professionally and that was perfect!

Host: Between you and me -- if it'd taken you much longer to hit your bottom, I was gonna kick it.

Host: What's not to understand? You think you're the first guy who ever rolled over, saw what was lyin' next to him, and went -- "Gueeeyah!" You're not. Believe me.

Host: I think I speak for everyone when I say -- if all you're going to do is switch back to brood mode, we'd rather have you evil. Because then, at least -- leather pants.

Wesley: Yes! No! Absolutely! I invite you in! In I invite you!

Wesley: Oh, of course. You did pop by. Stole a book.

Angel: You were always so good with those books. Made it look easy. It's not.

Wesley: You don't know her at all. For months now you haven't cared to. Otherwise you might have realized that our Cordelia has become a very solitary girl. She is not the vain and carefree creature she once was. Well... certainly not carefree.

Wesley: You'd have known that if you hadn't had your head firmly up your... place that isn't on top of your neck.

Kate: Yikes. Sounds like you had an epiphany.

Angel: I want to work for you.

Angel: Man, atonement's a bitch.

Cordelia: You're gonna start trying to make small talk. Get all stammery. Don't. You might strain something.

Cordelia: Okay, you wanna know how I am? Tired, mostly. With "sweaty" running a close second. But, truthfully, I'm also jazzed. Can't wait to get our business up and sputtering again. Ready to help those helpless... But, just so we understand each other...You and I? We're not friends.

Angel: Wes. You can't. Cordelia feels her friend doesn't post a threat. I think we should respect her wishes…I'm just saying...

Harmony: I don't wanna stay here alone with a ghost.

Gunn: Don't we kill them anymore?

Host: I think your friend should reconsider the name "Harmony."

Gunn: Just so we're on the same page, when we find this vampire cult, we are gonna kill 'em, right?

Cordelia: And you didn't just betray me, Angel. You didn't just hurt me... You gave away my clothes!

Cordelia: Oh, my god! These are gorgeous! You have the most amazing taste! You have, like, a gay man's taste! And that's saying something. I love them so much!

Lindsey: Angel? - He's up, he's down. - He's good, he's bad. He's a barrel of dead monkeys...

Host: Angel cakes. Don't make me ask you to leave.

Cordelia: Hi. You probably don't remember me. Cordelia. I know you're evil - and everything, but that was just so amazing.

Angel: Excuse me. I'm on a case here, Lindsey. Does everything always have to be about killing you all the time?

Lindsey: That's my lead! You're choking my lead!

Angel: You just keep on moping. You're good at that.

Lindsey: I've got these evil hand issues.

Angel: Good. I'm glad I didn't have to do something immature here

Lindsey: The key to Wolfram and Hart: Don’t let them make you play their game. You gotta make them play yours.

Angel: Oh. I'm not cheap, I'm just old: I remember when a few bob got you a meal, a bottle and a tavern wench. You were saying?

Angel: You want me to rip that guy's head off for you? 'Cause I could, you know. Really. I mean, actually rip his head right off his body. I can do that.

Angel: Exactly, plus, he's got her wearing this ridiculously flimsy swimsuit that covers... like nothing.

Angel: Not the Haklar. The Power Walkers. I mean, walking I get. But power walking? Why not just run for a shorter time? Weird.

Host: Just because I know his name doesn't mean you can't knock him unconscious. Please, continue.

Host: For the last time... not a coward. I just saw both sides of the joust. How are you supposed to joust someone when you partially agree with their point of view?

Cordelia: Angel?…Wesley!…Mr. Green Mojo Guy's cousin?

Host: God, I wish I could get drunk.

Angel: I don't wanna research, all right? I wanna jump through the big swirly hole thingy and save Cordelia.

Angel: What, is it out of batteries. Is the thing out of batteries?

Host: Remember when I said I loved this dimension and I'm never, never, never gonna leave? Exactly which "never" did you not understand?

Aggie: Sometimes the journey is taken simply because it must be taken. That vague enough for ya?

Angel: Lawyers. Don't you people sleep during the day?

Host: You mean he actually says "eureka"?

Angel: The sun! Daylight! Quick, somebody hand me a blanket -- hand me a blanket or I'll catch on fire! Why am I not on fire?

Angel: Can everybody just notice how much fire I'm not on?

Angel: Let's start gathering branches, brush, anything that'll cover the car. Hey, look, there's some over in that patch of sun. I'll get 'em.

Wesley: Yes, we're all heartily aware that you're not on fire.

Host: Oh, am I glad to see you. And so much less dead than I expected.

Host: Well, first there was the welcome home parade thrown in my honor--tickertape, streamers -- honestly, I was so touched, I almost wept. Locked me in a room, pushed me around, asked a bunch of questions--your standard film noir.

Cordelia: Well, it's not like my throne couldn't use a few extra cushions, but I'm not really gonna complain because, well -- throne.

Angel: A prophecy. Great. Because those always go well...

Cordelia: In kind of a hurry to get back to the Cordelia's-not-a-princess-dimension, aren'tcha?

Host: Ho, ho, ho! Back up! You want me to talk to my family? On purpose?

Host: Come on, gorgeous. You can stare at yourself in my grandmother's glass eye.

Host: Well! You're a regular Hans Christian Tarantino, aren'tcha?

Cordelia: If you ever figure out how to get us out of here, I want you to find me a dimension where some demon doesn't want to impregnate me with its spawn! I mean, is that just too much to ask?

Angel: Oh, Cordelia! No, she's fine. They made her a princess.

Cordelia: No, no, I like the filthy head-- that is, I need to defile it more. I will keep it to spit upon and when I tire of that I will make it into a planter -- a traitor planter for all to see! Or maybe a candy dish.

Host: Oh I'm sure it must be, and after all I only LOST MY HEAD! Or, technically, my body.

Fred: They're not words. They're consonant representations of a mathematical transfiguration formula.

Wesley: Why do people keep putting me in charge of things?

Host: That's it? Where's the praising and extolling of my virtues? Where's the love?

Angel: All right, what part of my being all noble here didn't get through?

Host: Good as new -- although I seem to have put on about a hundred and fifty eight pounds.

Host: Bye Mom, thanks for storing my body on the lice pile instead of the maggot heap.

Mother: Numfar, do the dance of shame!

Host: I had to come back here to find out I didn't have to come back here, I don't belong here, I hate it here. You know where I belong? L.A. You know why? Nobody belongs there, it's the perfect place for guys like us.

Season three

Gunn: True. Who's got time for love when you're out there doin' it with the demons? Didn't that come out sad and wrong. I need to get out more.

Cordelia: I miss Pylea.

Cordelia: Don't say the "B" word.

Gunn: The "B" word was the love of his life -- and he's what, two hundred and fifty? - that ain't a short life. This grief-work's gonna take more than a vacation in Sri Lanka.

Gunn: Angel and a buncha monks in the middle of nowhere: there's a party. He shoulda got hammered and gone to Vegas like I told him.

Wesley: He doesn't need a lap dance; he needs some peace and quiet so he can work through this.

Cordelia: It's gorgeous! Look how it brings out my breasts! Like you weren't all thinkin' it.

Angel: Wow. You're almost like real detectives.

Angelus: Why are people always riding off and leaving me? Am I a bad bloke…?

Cordelia: I don't either! I go home, he'll come after me 'cause I live alone and that's what they do, they come after you when you're alone. Oh sure, "Cordy go home and be a hostage!" With the torture and the fear and the torture...

Angel: The woman I love is dead.  

Angel: That I'm okay. That losing Buffy didn't kill me, that I could deal with it. In all those years no one ever mattered, not like she did. And now she's gone. Forever.

Cordelia: I'm Cordelia, I don't think, I know. Okay?

Wesley: Well, now that we've had this lovely reintroduction, I suggest you piss off.

Fred:  I've been forking with Gunn!

Gunn: All I know is you use the word 'dick' again and we're gonna have a problem.

Gunn: Alright, here we go. Next time we're hitting the last place first.

Cordelia:  Wow, you know, next to you, I am downright linear!

Gunn: Right. Because why would I wanna walk with a cute, young woman on a beautiful night when I could be out hacking and slaying an ugly, boil-covered demon monster and getting myself killed.  

Gunn:  All right, you got 30 seconds to show me your work order 'fore I start doin' some exterminatin' my damn self.

Cordelia: Did you just compare me to a car?  

Fred: The visions aren't from the Powers!

Lorne: Oh, sure, sweetheart. Steal my thunder. Next time *you* can be the one that gets thrown across the room.

Skip: Oh, he is. My will prevents him from being heard. I mean, there's only so many "Oh my god, the pain! Please make it stops"... you can listen to before it starts to bug the crap outta ya.

Angel: That night still haunts me. I'm ashamed of how I treated you. The way I used you. I took what I needed, then I cast you aside and that - that was wrong of me. Was very wrong.  

Angel: I don't know. Stopped by this morning. Thought I'd give 'sincere' one more shot. Even brought donuts. This is what I found. So far, we've ruled out suicide.

Cordelia: Sure I like her. What's not to like? She's sweet and adorable and…seems to be laughing at something that shrub just said.

Angel: You know, ask yourself this: if I'd killed Merl would I've brought donuts?

Cordelia: I swear to god she picked out the song herself.

Angel: Three sisters. Lorne hires them monthly to cast the sanctorium spell on Caritas. Tell them to lift the spell, then I'll be able to fight back.

Wesley: No. Better. Better than you, anyway. When he did his pleasure killing he had no soul. You can make no such claim.

Cordelia: Angel pfttt. I don't know. For a guy, who's a couple of centuries old; not very big with the wise investing. And when you say 'equipped' that isn't what you mean, is it?

Angel: No. You may not know this, Fred, but certain friends and co-workers have been known to accuse me of being the quiet, stay-at-home, sulky one. I guess some people just don't know how to have fun anymore.

Cordelia: She's got the big puppy love! I mean, who wouldn't? You're handsome. And brave and heroic. Mysterious ...emotionally stunted, erratic, prone to turning evil, and let's face it, a eunuch.

Fake Angel: Romance with Fred. So I'm a ... oh yeah, obviously.

Cordelia: I'll interview the hookers. Are there any men who aren't just dogs?

Cordelia: Let me tell you, if Julia Roberts ever makes a realistic movie about being an escort, it should be called "Pretty Skanky Woman."

Fred: I shoulda knocked. I always forget to knock 'cause, you know, I didn't have a door for so long.

Cordelia: What? It's totally like him! Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde.

Fred: Cordelia explained it all to me. She said you'd probably just screw it up.

Cordelia: Angel! Willow's on the phone. She's alive. Buffy's alive!

Wesley: Well, Fred, that's a difficult question, really. I think it's fair to say... "no". Not a chance. Never, no way, not in a million years, and also, "nuh-uh".

Cordelia: But Angel, we're your friends. And it's not healthy to repress stuff like this. You have to share your pain, express those feelings of grief and longing, cause if you don't the curiosity's gonna kill me.

Fred: But shouldn't we call Wesley first? And maybe, you know, the army?

Gunn: And he tracked her down through an unaddressed envelope? We could do that.

Angel: You think I'm fat?

Host: Just the one. But it turns out massacres are a lot like sitting through "Godfather III": once is enough.

Host: You haven't run far enough.

Fred: I got lost, I got lost, they did terrible things to me but it was just a storybook, it was just a story with monsters, not real, not in the world, but if you're here and you see me then...then it's real, it did happen, if you see what they made of me... I didn't mean to get lost...

Gunn: We still got that bleach in the bathroom, right?

Cordelia: And what, I'm not soothing? I can be soothing. I could soothe your ass off, pal.

Cordelia: We are so immensely dead.

Angel: Go team.

Angel: I'm tired of being the dead one.

Cordelia: Wesley, if you wanna get to know Fred better, maybe the next time you have her over for an intimate dinner for two, you won't ask the rest of us to come along.

Cordelia: Angel feels responsible for this guy because he brought him back from hell. I feel responsible because he did it to save me. You, who are actually responsible for the entire thing, feel nothing at all, because you are a vicious bitch.

Cordelia: Please, I was you - with better shoes.

Lilah: I know. I've seen his dark side.

Angel: Friend? To be honest I'm looking to kill the bastard.

Angel: Cordelia...thinks I'm melodramatic?

Cordelia: No, ass-wipe. I'm here to send you back.

Cordelia: Actually, I'm feeling superior because I have an arrow pointed at your jugular. And the irony of using a phallic shaped weapon? Not lost on me.

Gunn: So you're saying that Wes turned into a psycho killer because of that bloody handprint that I picked up and looked at?

Angel: I never hated my victims, I never killed out of anger, it was always about the - pain and the pleasure.

Cordelia: Huh. So I guess you could say that your demoness makes less petty than humans. Almost noble - I mean, in a twisted, dark and really disturbing kind of way.

Cordelia: I'm starting to get used to being creeped out and comforted at the same time.

Wesley: I don't know what kind of man I am anymore.

Darla: I know, but it's just so much fun ruining his life. He's like family now.

Cordelia: That the end is coming. Well, all we can do is live each moment to the fullest and be grateful that we didn't throw too much money at the NASDAQ.

Cordelia: Has someone been putting vodka in your blood?

Fred, Wes and Gunn chorus: We love you Angel.

Gunn: Yeah. No, not that one. The other one that died and came back to life. She's a vampire.

Cordelia: Oh! You used her to make you feel better during your dark time. Well, that makes it all heroic.

Angel: Maybe it's a hysterical pregnancy.

Darla: Well, you can get you little gang of supernatural detectives to find out what the hell is happening to me and how to stop it.

Angel: I suggest you use your books and find out what's going on. What, do I have to think of everything?

Cordelia: And here we have three more of Angel's chippies. You girls are on the pill I hope.

Angel: Just once. Just the one night. Ah, just the two or three one times that one night...

The Host: This is way beyond my Ken and my Barbie and all my action figures.

Angel: I don't see how anything spawned by Darla and me could be good.

Gunn: We tried to stop her by hitting her fists and feet with our faces, but...

Cordelia: He doesn't know how to use his voice mail. Just try his pager.

Darla: Gosh. I'm the luckiest vampire girl in the whole world.

Sahjhan: Yes. It went through a rough patch about sixty years ago, but it's mostly unchanged. Warm beer, boiled meat, bad teeth. That's why I moved to LA. Have you followed this part of the history? American Revolution, manifest destiny, westward expansion, the Beach Boys?

Angel: Flamethrower? No, no. There'll be no throwing of flames.

Angel: Guys, we got to figure out what's inside of her now, before it skitters out.

Gunn: We should get a demony doctor in here. You know, someone who understands how her vampire girl parts work. You know what I'm saying.

Sahjhan: No. On a mule cart. Of course through black magic and sorcery. I'm a demon.

Darla: I haven't had blood in almost a day, and your devil spawn is trying to rip its way out of my body. How do you think I'm doing?

Darla: My little parasite.

Sahjhan: Once again: gender - not species. I should have said 'minions.' Have you seen Grappler demons fight? Not the sharpest pencils in the box, but merciless in battle. Okay, guys! Over here! Time to meet the new Jefe. And Flarmar, leave the head in the ring, okay?

Angel: You hear that? Our kid. Special.

Darla: Sorry, darling. I'm gonna have to be Switzerland and sit this one out. Now, you did say you were just gonna kill the humans, right?

Darla: Oh, I'd rather stay and fight. Show these youngsters a thing or two about real carnage.

Fred: You freaks make one move and I'll slice the miracle kid into triplets.

Darla: So, where 're we going? I'm famished and we all know how ugly that can get.

Cordelia: Please! Women have been giving birth without ancient prophecies for years!

Lilah: They don't crucify here. It's too Christian.

Darla: Doesn't anyone wanna sit back here with me?

Darla: I promise I won't throw anyone out of the car. Not while it's moving.

Lilah: Yeah, I know. Vampire, cursed by gypsies who restored his soul, destined to atone for centuries of evil, wacky sidekicks, yada, yada. I'd have him killed myself, except the people I work for have this 'policy.'

Angel: What are we looking at?

Cordelia: And the sudden appearance of an eighteenth century vampire hunter in the twenty first century does seem pretty confluey.

Sahjhan: See? This is why I didn't mention it. So Angel has a soul. Big whoop! So did Attila the Hun! Not to mention a heart as big as all outdoors when it came to gift giving. He is still a vampire! Angel, not Attila.

Fred: You gave us quite a scare. But I guess you're used to that, what with being a scary thing and all.

Darla: That's why this is happening. His family, his children... what that must have been like for him. Doesn't seem so funny now, does it?

Darla: No. No, I don't think so. Once he's gone, I won't be okay. I won't be okay at all. I don't know what I'll be. Angel... Our baby is gonna die right here in this alley. You died in an alley, remember?

Darla: This child Angel, it's the one good thing we ever did together. The only good thing. You make sure to tell him that.

Cordelia: You don't have a woman's touch - whatever your taste in clothing may indicate.

Wesley: And seeing as you once nearly had sex on my desk I shouldn't be surprised that now there is a baby on it.

Fred: So, the baby's safe? We're all safe. Right, Lorne? I-I mean unless one of those killers decides to throw in a firebomb in at us like they did at your club, which had a similar safety spell around it as I recall. Sorry.

The Host: He doesn't like Smokey Robinson and the Miracles? I thought you said this kid had a soul.

The Host: I'm so glad somebody finally said that, because sitting here waiting to die never was much of a plan. Sorry.

Angel: We'll get through this, I promise. The vampire/demon/biker posse, that's the easy part. The part that scares me is all the questions. Why is the sky blue? Why do people get sick? Why is there always pigs' blood in the fridge? I don't have all the answers. Well, I do to that last one.

Angel: Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Dirty people! Not touching the baby!

Angel: I'm a champion. We do important stuff.

Cordelia: For the last time, I'm fine. I may be having a little separation anxiety what with the leaving-my-body and all, but I'm not dying.

Cordelia: You're furious? I get bodyjacked on my birthday and you're the one that's furious?

Cordelia: How are you a champion? In what way are you a champion?

Skip: Kidding, I'm Skip. Sorry it took me so long, I... This you? Most people go astral, their spiritual shapes tend to be an idealized version of themselves--you know, straighten the nose, lose the gray... It's sort of a self-esteem kind of thing. You're pretty confident, aren't ya?

Skip: Loved that flick. When Trinity's all 'Dodge this!' and the agent goes and crumples to the...and I'm not really instilling any awe any more, am I?

Skip: Well, usually they're pretty good at catching that sorta thing, but... what They didn't count on were his feelings for you.

Cordelia: So you kill things now? 'Cause last time I saw you, you just sorta... fainted in front of 'em.

Cordelia: So, let me get this straight: Angel gets the visions of people who are gonna die, and he tells you and you go out and slay and...this is how you make your living? This has got to be the suckiest job in the world.

Skip: We've been over this. I respect what you're trying to do. It's noble and heroic and all that other Russell Crowe Gladiator crap.

Cordelia: Then find a loophole, Skip. I know my purpose in this world and it includes the visions. And if the Powers That Be aren't complete dumbasses they know it too.

Cordelia: So? Demonize me already.

Skip: It was an honor being your guide, Cordelia Chase.

Angel: There was a dollar eighty-three in the cushions out there. That's perfectly good money just lying around.

Fred: Is this the right phone number?

Angel: Helping the helpless, finding Holtz, and making money are out *three* number one priorities.

Lorne: One I'm sure we can all download at 'I'll never know the love of a woman dot com.'

Lorne: Oh-ho-ho, you guys are *so* gonna get your butts kicked!

Lorne: Sorry. I yield the floor to the person *not* tied up on it.

Cordelia: So! What's up with you? Hey, you went with the dark colors today! It's a look.

Angel: Oh yeah. I saw their production of Giselle in 1890 -- cried like a baby. And I was evil!

Gunn: This is not Mahta Hari. This is tutu's, and the guys with their big-ass packages jumping up and down...this is just...I will never trust you again. The trust is gone.

Gunn: Don't be using my own phrases when we've lost the trust.

Cordelia: Fred, sweetie, Angel IS crazy.

Angel: Stop saying that! And stop calling me pastries.

Fred: Oh. Okay, that's much more impossible.

Gunn: That would also explain the precision, and the athleticism. I mean, some of those jumps...You know, I was cool before I met y'all.

Cordelia: Dancing vampires. Who's not scared?

Angel: I think I'm gonna have to go with my patented Sudden Burst of Violence.

Angel: I'm marveling at the wrongness of that idea.

Angel: What if there is no more talking in that scene? Look, I've been possessed by the spirits of old lovers before, it never goes well.

Cordelia: Up to his ass in demon gore, fine, but ask him to mack on a hottie and he wigs. My champion, ladies and gentlemen.

Cordelia: You just looked really hot doing that.

Angel: Yeah. You love her that much? Start a website.

Cordelia: You know, we should probably just not talk about our little adventure. Anything that might have been seen, anything that might have been, oh, perky –

Angel: She took him home -- Well, that's... good. At least we won't have to put him up here. Place was starting to turn into a hotel.

Groo: Angel! Your weapons are most impressive!

Cordelia: Oh, please. Like I'm gonna bother you guys in the middle of the night just because I want sex and can't have it.

Cordelia: I could lose my visionity.

Cordelia: I guess we could probably "Com" without actually "Shuking," right?

Cordelia: What? Oh, yeah. I didn't think you'd mind. Turns out you guys are about the same size. I think he's a little taller. Looks great, though, doesn't he?

Cordelia: Com-Shuk like bunnies. You betcha.

Groo: So I may Com-Shuk my Princess.

Angel: Mr. Dad! Check me out! I'm Mr. Dad.

Wes: Angel? You can let go of the doctor now.

Fred: It's not that hard, really. All you have to do is hack into the shipping database, find someone who is ordering what you want, then substitute your information. Except that would just be high-tech robbery.

Fred: Oh. Low-tech robbery.

Sahjhan: You know, my barber has the same problem with his scissors - hence the bad haircut. Love the whole chained, un-dead look you got going on. Really sets off your fern.

Sahjhan: That's it? No 'wow, how did he do that?' No screaming in terror? You twenty first century types are so jaded.

Lilah: You're Sahjhan, aren't you? I may be jaded, but I do my homework. And there's a girl downstairs, she's got records on everything that ever happened. My company rocks.

Wes: You try chatting with a cranky hamburger.

Wes: Hmm. Not sure really. Could be the low scary voice that's giving me trouble.

Angel: Yeah, and you look like hell. Not the fun one, where they burn you with hot pokers for all eternity, but the hardcore one, you know, Nixon and Brittany Spears?

Angel: Ha! Singing demons, flying nuns. Good one, G!

Angel: I like nuns. How did the flying nun fly anyway? Was it god or magic? What? You think about these things sometimes. Please continue!

Angel: For the chicks. Musicians get the chicks! What? They're gonna appear as dentists?

Wesley: Holtz? Great guy, not overly tall.

Lilah: Like a cat. Can't hear you. But I'm starting to feel you when you're near. Isn't that nice and creepy? How'd you find me?

Angel: Sworn enemy? Really? Have we met? Because I don't remember swearing.

Angel: The guy that brought Holtz here. He thinks I'm his sworn enemy. I don't know him from Adam.

Lilah: Yeah. I'm a lawyer. Have you met me? We have a new arrangement. I'm keeping the baby.

Lilah: Hmph! Well, I'm looking at a mountain of paperwork.

Angel: All I care about now is getting my son back. Then I'll deal with those responsible. They'll all pay. Including Wesley.

Gunn: They're in English... Cordelia's filing system isn't.

Lorne: Angel, this isn't some slimy demon you've got trussed up here -- he's a human. Marginally, but still

Lorne: I think not speaking would be a really good look for you.

Angel: I'd never hurt someone I care about. Now move.

Angel: I'm not your boyfriend. Find somebody else to smack you around.

Sahjhan: Really? You and me, buddy cop summer release? We iron out our wacky differences and bond? Don't think so.

Sahjhan: No, that, I'm telling the truth about. Whole universe could go kaplooie. Bad for me, bad for America

Sahjhan: Yeah. I flitted back and forth in time, changed the one that threatened me, polished some others. Flitted in a manly way. Just so we're clear.

Sahjhan: Thank God he had some spine. Holtz was useless.

Sahjhan: Do I look like I need more skin problems?

Groo: Hello. We welcome your telephonic plea to Angel Investigations. In what way may I service you?

Groo: He is very fortunate to have such a woman looking after his weapon.

Groo: Hail to you, potential client. How may I be of service?

Fred: Gunn and I found your notes about...the baby. The prophecy. You took him away 'case you thought Angel was gonna kill him. You were trying to protect him. Both of them. I just wanted you to know I understand that. I also wanted to say -- what Angel tried to do to you was wrong, and I'm sorry. But he was right to blame you, Wesley. You should've come to us. You should've trusted us instead of going to Holtz behind our backs. You were supposed to be our friend and you didn't even -- If Angel sees you again, he'll kill you, Wesley. This time for real. Don't come back to the hotel. Ever. The prophecy was a fake. Angel was never gonna hurt Connor. It was all for nothing.

Angel: You live as long as I do, eventually you lose everyone. It's what happens. I'm not sayin' you get used to it but you expect it, you deal. But he was just... he was just a little...

Fred: Charles, do you have leukemia? Don't laugh at me! I see it on the news all the time -- they're young and in love, their whole lives ahead of them when tragedy strikes --

Gunn: Her name is "I'm a real woman, not a stick figure." Get the picture?

Fred: I know I said he said those things to me, but he would never say those things to me!

Fred: This is so wrong in so many ways. I mean, it isn't money or a stuffed bunny Angel's playing for. It's my boyfriend.

Fred: See, that's where we're different. I tend to get lost and lose things.

Gunn: I was seventeen years old and I sold my soul for a truck.

Groo: "Pomegranate Mist" is the wrong color for this room.

Cordelia: Tried soaking it out, tried scrubbing it out... No question, we got ring around the lobby. I say we toss in the towel and buy a big ass throw rug. Who's with me?

Groo: It has vanished. Like the glass eels of the Krag Swamps in UxenBlarg. Just making an observation.

Cordelia: What, they glow in the dark? How's that supposed to help us, unless we shut off all the lights in the holy crap you're not serious.

Lorne: Y'know, this space is one part hum, two parts dinger. Ever think of turning it into a nightclub? Hey. Missing the life. Sue me.

Fred: To live... To live... To drink...And be merry.

Wesley: You don't know anything. I'll help because it's Fred. But just so we understand each other... Don't ever come here again. None of you are welcome here.

Cordelia: Tell me we don't live in a soap opera.

Lilah: Right. The worst spot in hell is reserved for those who betray. So, don't pretend you're too good to work for us

Groo: Yes. We must always consider Angel. Angel is our leader. We must obey his wishes.

Lorne: There, you see what I mean? It's been like that all day! One of the nasty side effects of specializing in dimensional magic. What I wouldn't do for a lasso and some crazy glue.

Meerna: A tear in reality. Big cosmic no-no.

Fred: Okay, so he survived an unspeakable hell dimension -- I mean, who hasn't? But you can't just leave him all alone on the streets of Los Angeles!

Cordelia: So maybe, if we're very very lucky, later today we'll be able to kill something. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Lorne: Just because somebody hops a dimension or two is no guarantee things'll work out.

Angel: It's kinda my job. Look, this shouldn't take too long. But it could be pretty dangerous. There's usually violence and killing, so... Wanna come?

Lilah: I thought the "come alone" part was a particularly ironic touch. I mean -- how else would you come?

Lilah: Turns out she's been pissing off a lot of undead-Americans lately.

Angel: Hey, you were great in there. I mean, normally I'd take you to a museum or a ballgame or something... but it's good to know you can handle yourself in a fight.

Lorne: Tell ya what, since you were raised in a hell dimension by a psychopath, and since that's a topic I happen to know a little something about -- we'll just let that slide. I'll fetch your pop for ya.

Lorne: Actually, that's Uncle Filthy Demon to you. Wasn't that long ago – like a week - that I was changing your diapers, you llittle --

Lorne: Well, you have got some serious mojo goin' on, girl. Whatever deal you struck with The Powers -- looks to me like they gave you the full package, all the extras. That boy was tox-ic when he walked in here tonight. Heavy on the "ick."

Connor: I think... maybe I tried to kill your friend.

Angel: I don't even own a TV. He's gonna wanna watch TV. Not too much, I mean, after homework and chores. He's gonna need clothes, weekly allowance... What's good nowadays? Fifty cents, a dollar?

Lilah: How's your throat? Need a lozenge?

Angel: Well, someone has to make sure he knows the facts of life. My track record with the whole man/woman thing isn't, you know... I don't wanna use the words 'tragic farce' but...

Angel: Vampire. You're not in 'Cats.'

Angel: Songs for the love - Lorne. Oh, I get it. Lovelorn, because your name is Lorne.

Linwood: Tie me up, threaten me with sharp objects, but don't let me go. Chowder head!

Fred: He's *really* happy. But not perfectly happy, I hope!

Wes: Hmm. You know that sinking feeling you sometimes get the morning after? It arrived early.

Wes: I wasn't thinking about you when you were here.

Lilah: So your former boss has a soul and you're losing yours. Why, you're just new all over aren't ya?

Season four

Fred: Mr. Big-hit-in-Vegas is too busy danke-schon-ing the tourists to care about us.

Lilah: You thought you were doing the right thing. I hear that can be confusing.

Wesley: We all get what we deserve. You and Holtz deserved each other. You two have so much in common. Pain, loss, deep-seated lack of anything approaching humor.

Gunn: Are you sure about that? Offspring of two vampires. Last time I checked that's not supposed to happen. And jumping off a six-story without busting your coconut kind of sways me to the side of not just a boy. I mean, come on, Fred. His nickname back in Quortoth was the destroyer. And unless you put Conan in front of that, I'm guessing it's not a good sign.

Connor: He always looks like he's gonna yell.

Fred: I can't imagine what you've been through, Connor, being taken away by Holtz, raised in that place. It must have been horrible. I know you're still hurting but I promise, it's not nearly as much as you're gonna hurt for what you did to your father.

Gunn: That's right, Sparky, Daddy's coming home. And I'm guessing there's going to be a spanking.

Angel: So how was your summer? Mine was fun. Saw some fish. Went mad with hunger. Hallucinated a whole bunch.

Angel: What you did to me was unbelievable, Connor. But then I got stuck in a hell dimension by my girlfriend one time for a hundred years, so three months under the ocean actually gave me perspective.

Cordelia: God, I am so bored.

Fred: Sure. Banished to the ocean depths by your ungrateful snot of a son.

Angel: I never got the chance to thank you. Finding me, bringing me up. Must have been hard for you. No map, all that water.

Angel: What should I do then? Send her a gift? Sacrifice? Unholy fruit basket?

Gwen: What? Do you see a nipple?

Gunn: Yeah, but if it's an auction house can't we just, you know, e-bay it?

Fred: I'm still working on a plan, but so far it involves being sent to prison and becoming somebody's bitch.

Angel: No one's going to jail, Fred. I told you, a heist like this, I've done it a million times. Okay. Maybe twice, but I'm good at it. I swear!

Angel: I'm really strong, if that helps.

Gunn: That's my girl, large and in charge. Okay, teensy-weensy and in charge.

Gunn: Damn. This is so much harder than it looks on Batman.

Angel: What I find interesting? The fact that I can smell you and Wesley all over each other.

Fred: Being dead? Gone. See anything interesting? White light? Shirley McLain?

Gwen: It was beating. It doesn't, does it?

Gwen: What are you, Lex Luthor?

Cordelia: What are you? Deficient? Get me out of here!

Angel: I just thought we could all use a little getaway to decompress. I know I haven't had a vacation in a while - not counting my recent ocean cruise.

Fred: We love you t... Wait. That was him being superficial, wasn't it?

Angel: This place was so much friendlier when the mob ran it.

Fred: That's what I've been saying - only with better grammar.

Fred: Oh. Okay. I'm hip now.

Lorne: Pretty good haul for somebody with no destiny, huh?

Angel: You're my friend. I know. I'm not stupid.

Angel: Well, yeah, sure, but I mean let's be smart. I want her to remember who I am before I freak her out with the whole undead, drinks blood part of my resume.

Cordelia: Cordelia. Hi. I'm Cordy. I'm Cordelia Chase. I'm - Just breathe. Just breathe. Sunnydale. OK, popular. No real surprise there. "Cordelia, homeroom was fun. Too bad it burnt to the ground." What? "Hey, how 'bout that giant snake." "Dear Cordelia, thanks for the flaming arrows." Flaming arrows?

Cordelia: Wow. How did I - ? I am a spy. I get it now. You're all spies. Probably all Russian. And you've brainwashed me, and want me to believe we're friends so I'll spill the beans about some nano-techno-thingy that you want.

Gunn: So... I look Russian to you?

Lorne: Hey, if this was about that missing lingerie, that was for a friend.

Cordelia: It all makes perfect sense now. I was a cheerleader, a princess and a warrior. And I have visions and super powers and I'm the target of an evil law firm because I've spent the last three months living on a higher plane, fighting for the forces of good, who wage a battle against demons and evilies and squishy bug babies, 'cause all that stuff's real and that's the world I live in. And I think I know why I don't remember any of this 'cause, hey - who'd want to!

Cordelia: Says the vampire with a soul and his wacky gang of sidekicks.

Cordelia: You keep telling me I was a higher being. Don't make me turn you into a rat.

Cordelia: I don't want a sandwich. I don't want cookies. I wanna talk to Angel, sans sidekicks.

Lorne: Do the words "slouching towards Bethlehem" ring a bell? Or how about despair, torment, terror? And I'm not referring to little missy's choice of song, either, although that was horrifying in its own right. What I saw was jumbled. It was pieces, flashes. It was enough to make my skin crawl away and scamper under the bed. Evil's coming, Angel, and it's planning on staying.

Cordelia: How big is this dump? Angel? Mr. Bumpy-face? Hello?

Gunn: And the gal does have a history of whooping ass. I mean, you saw the hurting she put on those Wolfram and Hart dudes. And could she really turn me into a rat?

Lorne: Well, I haven't read the Book of Revelations lately, but if I was searching for adjectives, I'd probably start there.

Wesley: A bit careless, misplacing her after all the effort to find her.

Fred: If it makes you feel better, I would have chosen you.

Gunn: The girl kept me up all night. She is un-stoppable.

Wesley: Well, look, a bribe. How thoughtful.

Cordelia: What should I wear?

Gunn: Will you tell Fred that? If she thinks we're both stupid, I won't stand out as much.

Lilah: You know Angel, coming from you, idle threats are so… well, idle.

Lilah: Yeah, yeah. Hulk smash.

Teen: Yeah, like, you're Angel, right? There are whole forums on you in chat rooms, man! Who knew you actually, like, existed?!

Gunn: We're full up on interns. But the decoder ring's in the mail.

Angel: They talk about me in the chatty rooms?

Fred: No. To me. He's the son of a bitch that sent me to Pylea.

Fred: Acting like I'm all addlebrained talking about other dimensions. Pylea, never heard of it. Right! How about a flail whipping? Would that take a nice long time?

Fred: Charles doesn't have it in him. It's part of what I love about him.

Fred: You know what they say about payback? Well, I'm the bitch.

Gunn: If you kill him, I'm gonna lose you.

Angel: Sucked into his own portal. Wish I could have seen his face.

Lorne: No pain, no side-effects. I'm telling you, swingers, there's no way this can fail. [Cut] So, I'm an idiot, what are you – perfect?

Angel: I was never - in the workplace, I - Well, there was that one time with the - the ballet and the stripping and the roundness, but that was a spell. And-and we were meeting in Malibu on the bluffs at night. That's a pretty romantic restraining order!

Cordelia: I know my ABC's, my history, I know who's President, and that I sorta wish I didn't.

Gunn: Oh, good. Symbols on the floor. That's always good.

Wesley: Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?

Lorne: OK, first of all, she didn't say, "May your words please the gods," so much as "May you orally please the gods," which is a slight... inflection's very crucial in our—oh, God bless her, it's always nice to hear the mother tongue—as long as it's not from my mother.

Wesley: I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me.

Cordelia: Hello, salty goodness.

Angel: [not sounding irish] For most certain, I sound exactly - Something wrong with my voice.

Cordelia: Hey. Hey, you two want to stop the homo-erotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this.

Angel: It's about time the English got what's comin' to 'em. I'm rootin' for the slave.

Lorne: Ugh. I know I'm still unconscious during this part of the story, but... can you believe these mooks?

Cordelia: This is so unfair! I'm a craggy 20-something? What about prom?!

Cordelia: Great. I'll go with tall, dark, and slightly less pathetic than you two here.

Fred: I'm ready. I'm OK. Be cooler if we could score some weed, though.

Cordelia: You really are far from home, aren't you?

Angel: Sorry for acting so... womanish.

Angel: I'm a vampire. They're gonna kill me.

Gunn: Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.

Lorne: Hey, here's a funny sidebar. I'm tied to a chair - again!

Cordelia: What do you mean, it's hard? I mean, she's the tasty one. Look at her. Half of her is neck.

Cordelia: Well, who wouldn't? Look, you're a wee bit chess club for my usual beat, but you kill that freak and you're getting a big reward.

Angel: I'm supposed to be evil, but they attack me without cause. They gang up on me because I'm different. They're as bad as my father.

Connor: Fathers. Don't they suck?

Angel: I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be attacked. I didn't ask to be a freak. Hell, I didn't even ask to be born.

Conviction

Lorne: Yeah, that carpet's great because I want our clients to become sick and vomit.

Phone menu voice: You have reached Ritual Sacrifice. For goats, press one, or say "goats."

Harmony: Well, duh! I'm a single undead gal trying to make it in the big city -- I have to start somewhere and they're evil here. They don't judge. They've got the necrotempered glass -- no burning up -- a great medical plan, and who needs dental more than us?

Angel: Oh, God, they're so beautiful. (his new cars)

Just rewards

Lorne: Yeah, the vampire slayer both men loved, both men lost. Oh, I could sell that to any studio in a heartbeat. I see Depp and Bloom. But then I see them a lot. Sorry. Hazard of running the entertainment division. Gotta get out more.

Spike: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't care.

Harmony: (to Spike) Listen, I know I was a little crabby before. I mean, hello?! A little akward seeing you at my work. But if you want to talk or something, you know, about us or... (Spike walks away) Ok. Too soon. I understand... Slayer-loving freak.

Spike: I know what's down there, where it's trying to take me. And it's not the place heroes go. Not by a bloody long shot. It's the other one. Full of fire and torment. And it's happening. And I'm terrified. ...Help me?

Wesley: An underground monster-hunting military organization. It's happened before.

Gunn: I'm all up in the law now, but damn it feels good to get my violence on.

Hell Bound

Lorne: (into his cell phone) Bubie, I negotiated that deal with my own two horns. Second billing right after Gwyneth. Yeah. No, stop crying, stop crying. It's ok you put on a couple of pounds since casting. Yeah, they can't just--no, no, no, no. Just put the pills down. I'll straighten this out. If I can't, I'll take a handful myself.

Fred: And the hair and the cheeks and--what do you think I am, stupid? I know he's been playing me with the looks and the smiles. I'm not some idiot schoolgirl with a crush.

Gunn: (re: Spike disappearing) Give him 20 minutes. He'll be popping up next to you in the bathroom making cracks about your -- (odd looks from Fred and Wesley) Am I the only one he does that to?

Spike: Reality bends to desire. That was it, right? That's why I could touch Fred, write your name in the glass. All I had to do was want it bad enough. (his clothes rematerialize) And guess what I want to do now, you prissy son of a bitch!

Life of the party

Spike: (Under Lorne's spell) Ooh, ooh! Me! Me! I'm your people person.

Eve: Angel, it's not like this is the first time I've had sex under a mystical influence. I went to U.C. Santa Cruz.

The Cautionary tale of Numero Cinque

Angel: (re: Hermanos fighting) We're trying to kill it, not pin it! (they stake the demon by each limb to the ground with pikes) Ok. Pinning works.

Lineage

Spike: I know what this is. You'll never take me to Hell, Pavayne! (emergency lights turn on) Oh. Well, that's just something I say, when, uh... it gets dark.

Angel: [To Wesley] They're wrong. You do what you have to do to protect the people around you. To do what you know is right, regardless of the cost. You know, I never really understood that. You're the guy who makes all the hard decisions, even if you have to make 'em alone.

Wesley: He was threatening you. He pointed a gun at you, Fred... so I shot him.

Destiny

Spike: Well, screw this town, then. Screw this devil's funhouse, Angel, and screw you for good measure. I think I'll take the new flesh and bones across the pond back to Europe.

Sirk: You read a translation of the prophecy. It's like comparing the King James Bible with the original Aramaic, the Hebrew. Much of the flavor, the subtlety of usage, the historical context has been stripped away. (scoffs) Read the prophecy. You may as well have read a 12-year-old's book report on the subject.

Harm's Way

Harmony: (re: Fred) (sighs) I just wish I were more like you. You know, except for the part about being all into science...and not having a lot up front.

Harmony: You're right. That girl hated me. She wanted me dead. I matter.

Soul Purpose

Spike: (To a woman he just saved) Well, what do you expect? Out alone in this neighborhood? I got half a mind to kill you myself, you half-wit. I mean, honestly, what kind of retard wears heels like that in a dark alley? Take 2 steps, break your bloody ankle. Well, get a cab, you moron. And on the way, if a stranger offers you candy, don't get in the van! Stupid cow.

Damage

Andew: Spike? It's you. It's really you! (sobbing) My therapist thought I was holding onto false hope, but... I knew you'd come back. (sniffles) You're like... you're like Gandalf the White, resurrected from the pit of the Balrog, more beautiful than ever. Oh... he's alive, Frodo. (sobbing) He's alive.

Andrew: You don't have a choice. Check the view screen, Uhura. I got 12 vampire slayers behind me, and not one of them has ever dated you. She's coming with us one way or another.

Andrew: Where do you think my orders came from? News flash--nobody in our camp trusts you anymore. Nobody. You work for Wolfram & Hart. Don't fool yourself... we're not on the same side.

You're Welcome!

Cordelia: I can tell you who you were. A guy who always fought his hardest for what was right, even when he couldn't remember why. Even when he was miserable, which was, let's face it, a not small portion of the time. He did right. And that gave him something. A light, a glimmer. And that's the guy I fell in--that, um...the guy I knew. I see him around here, then maybe I'll start believing.

Wesley: I don't know. I think I sort of missed this. You and me and the books, kicking it old school, as they say, and I never will again.

Lindsey: You know, all my carefully laid out plans, my designs, when you get right down to it, that was pretty sweet, too, huh? Reason enough for me to come back. You, me... fight to the death... yours.

Cordelia: We take what we can get, champ, and we do our best with it. I'll be seeing you. (walks away then stops) Oh, what the hell. One for the road? (runs to Angel and kisses him)

Why We Fight

Lawson: Funny what goes through a man's mind when his life's hanging in the balance. Boys talked about that a lot back on the boat. Always figured it'd be the special moments you freeze in time. Your mom singing you to sleep at night. Sneaking into the movies with your best friend. The way your girl's hair shimmers in the sun. But the truth is... the only thing that really goes through your head is... "wow... this really sucks." And then you're gone.

Smile Time

Wesley: Because! Angel... if there's a woman out there... who you find truly attractive, who you think about, let's say, most of the time, who represents even part of what you think makes the world worth fighting for, and who doesn't view you as an entirely sexless shoulder to lean on... you have to do something about it.

A Hole In the World

Gunn: Fred and I are gettin' back together. (Wesley's smile melts) She was so keyed up from last night's fight, she asked me over. We ended up talkin' for hours, like old times. Then, all of a sud, I can't even keep this up, 'cause your face is gonna make me weep. Wes, I am so messin' with you.

Lorne: Here's the thing, Eve. You're going to sing for me, and I'm going to read you right now. And here's one more thing--Winifred Burkle once told me, after a sinful amount of Chinese food and in lieu of absolutely nothing, "I think a lot of people would choose to be green. Your shade, if they had the choice." If I hear one note, one quarter-note, that tells me you had any involvement, these two won't even have time to kill you. Oh, and anything by Diane Warren will also result in your death--well, except Rhythm of the Night.

Wesley: (To Fred) I've loved you... since I've known you. No, that's not... I think maybe even before.

Shells

Knox: She's so much more than that now. Beyond flesh. Beyond perfection. I loved Fred. I really did. She had a warmth that took you in and held you uintil everything cold and distant melted away. She was the most beautiful, perfect woman I ever met. That's why I chose her. She's the only one that was worthy.

Wes: I understand not wanting to go back. Not wanting to be who you were. I understand it. And I can forgive it. But you knew what was happening to her. You knew who was reponsible and you didnt say anything. You let her die. (picks up knife stabs Gunn) I'm less forgiving about that.

Wesley: I avoided the major organs. He'll probably live.

Wesley: There's love. There's hope... for some. There's hope that you'll find something worthy... that your life will lead you to some joy... that after everything... you can still be surprised.

Underneath

Angel: Listen, Gunn... I know you feel bad about your part in what happened to Fred. And you should. For the rest of your life, it should wake you up in the middle of the night. And it will. Because you're a good man.

Angel: You now, the thing about atonement is, you never run out of chances... but you gotta take 'em. You can't hide in some hospital room and pretend it's all gonna go away... 'cause it never will.

Illyria: I travelled all of them as I pleased. I walked worlds of smoke, and half-truths, intangible. Worlds of torment and of unnameable beauty. Opaline towers as high as small moons. Glaciers that rippled with insensate lust. And one world with nothing but shrimp. I tired of that one quickly.

Illyria: All I am is what I am. I lived 7 lives at once. I was power and the ecstasy of death. I was god to a god. Now... I--I'm trapped... on a roof. Just one roof.... in this time and this place, with an unstable human who drinks too much whiskey and called me a smurf. (Wesley chuckles) You don't worship me at all, do you?

Lindsey: Not an apocalypse, the apocalypse. What'd you think, a gong was gonna sound? Time to jump on your horses and fight the big fight? Starting pistol went off a long time ago, boys. You're playing for the bad guys. Every day you sit behind your desk and you learn a little more how to accept the world the way it is. Well, here's the rub... heroes don't do that. Heroes don't accept the world the way it is. They fight it.

Lindsey: The world keeps sliding towards entropy and degradation, and what do you do? You sit in your big chair, and you sign your checks, just like the Senior Partners planned. The war's here, Angel. And you're already 2 soldiers down.

Origin

Illyria: I've been hitting the half-breed. He makes noise.

Hamilton: Let's be clear about this. Things run differently now. I'm not a little girl. You and I won't be making love on this couch anytime soon. Now, with that in mind, how can I help you?

Illyria: I'd like to keep Spike as my pet.

Cyvus: I turned your son into a healthy boy. And now, I need you... to turn him back into a killer.

Connor: I kinda think I should. I need to take care of my parents. This isn't their world. They really don't feel safe here. You gotta do what you can to protect your family. I learned that from my father.

Time Bomb

Wesley: (re: Illyria) I'm not in love with this thing, Angel. But... for some reason, I need it right now.

The Girl in Question

Ilona Costa Bianchi: Ciao! Benvenuti! Welcome! Ah, Spike. Ha ha ha. Oh! You are the very meaning of handsome. You take my breath away. Ah I have no breath. Ha ha ha! And you, what an honor. The great Angelus. Ah, yes, of course. The gypsies, they gave you your soul. The gypsies are filthy people. (spits) And we shall speak of them no more.

Angel: But she's not finished baking yet. I gotta wait till she's done baking, you know, till she finds herself, 'Cause that's the drill. Fine. I'm waitin' patiently, and meanwhile, The Immortal's eatin' cookie dough!

Wesley: Stop it! Change back. Be blue. Be anything. Don't be her. Don't ever be her.

Power Play

Spike: You don't know? You may not think you're as powerful as you were, Highness, but looking like Fred, for some of us... it's the most devastating power you have.

Spike: Not that you require any creatures attention. (Illyria glares) Hey, wanna go find something to hit?

Not Fade Away

Lindsey: Everybody goes on about your soul. Vampire with a soul. Nobody ever mentions the fact that you're really a vampire with big brass testes. This is gonna be a circus. I mean, win or lose, you're about to pick the nastiest fight since mankind drop-kicked the last demon out of this dimension. And that you don't do without me. If you want me, I'm on your team.

Wesley: The first lesson a Watcher learns is to separate truth from illusion. Because in the world of magics, it's the hardest thing to do. The truth is that Fred is gone. To pretend anything else would be a lie. And since I don't actually intend to die tonight, I won't accept a lie.

Connor: Come on. You drop by for a cup of coffee, and the world's not ending? Please.

Lindsey: You kill me? A flunky?! I'm not just... Angel... kills me. You... Angel...

Illyria: Would you like me to lie to you now?

Illyria: Wesley's dead. I'm feeling grief for him. I can't seem to control it. I wish to do more violence.

Angel: Well, personally, I kind of want to slay the dragon. Let's get to work.

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Go back to Index

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"I don't need a life, I have Buffy!"

October, 2006. Author: Millan

Disclaimer: All things Buffy and Angel are solely due to the genius that is Joss and his amazing group of writers.
I do not own anything (although I wish I do... no wish-granting demons around?).