Quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 3

Anne

Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander: That's right, he was. Cheater!

Oz: Uh, if I may suggest: 'This time it's personal.' I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.

Willow: [To Oz, about the start of school] Oh, I'm gonna be busy a lot. But, but only until 3 and that's when you usually get up.

Xander: I can't wait to see Cordelia. I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia.
Willow: I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be. Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.

Buffy: Stay with me.
Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me.

Buffy: We've got a peach pie. I can't guarantee there's a peach in it.

Willow: No, he got away. We still have some glitches in the system, like... vampires getting away. But I think we're improving.

Giles: For God's sake be careful. I mean, uh, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but, uh... Well, if anything should happen to you and... you should get killed, I should take it somewhat amiss.
Willow: You'd be cranky?
Giles: Entirely.

Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement. 'Don't get killed.'

Cordelia: He didn't meet anybody over the summer, did he? No, who's he gonna meet in Sunnydale, but monsters and stuff? But then again he's always been attracted to monsters.

Willow: You came to visit me. You came with books? Are they books for me?
Oz: Well, actually, they're kind of for me.
Willow: I don't get it.
Oz: Well, it's sort of a funny story. You remember when I didn't graduate?
Willow: Well, I know you had a lot of incompletes, but that's what summer school was for.
Oz: Yeah. Well, you remember when I didn't go?

Teacher: Whoa. Slow down, people. Summer is over. Be somber.

Larry: If we can focus, keep discipline, and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna *rule*!

Willow: I'm trying to get to cute, really. But I'm still sorta stuck on 'strange'.
Oz: Well, I'd be willing to bargain down to 'eccentric' with an option on 'cool'.

Giles: A friend in Oakland has a-a-a sketchy report of a... young girl fending off a group of vampires... about a week ago. There's a plane out in about an hour.
Xander: And what makes this different from the last nine leads?
Giles: Well, there's a meal on this flight.

Xander: Look, I don't mean to poop the party here, it's just, you get your hopes all up, and then it's just a big fat raspberry, and I feel bad.

Lily: I'm always changing anyway [Names]. Chantarelle was part of my exotic phase.
Buffy: It's nice. It's a mushroom.
Lily: It is? That's really embarrassing.
Buffy: Um, well, i-it's an exotic mushroom, if that's any comfort.

Oz: I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down.
Xander: We're loosing half the vamps.
Oz: Yeah, but... rhythmically.

Buffy: This'll probably go faster if we split up.
Lily: Can I come with you?
Buffy: Okay. Where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing?

Nurse: What are you doing?
Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your personal files.

Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just want to be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share.

Cordelia: Where do I hide?
Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.

Cordelia: What's the plan?
Xander: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia: And then what?
Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.

Ken: You've got guts. I think I'd like to slice you open and play with them.

Dead Man's Party

Joyce: We got a very exciting shipment in at the Gallery. I, um, thought I'd hang a few pieces in here. It cheers up the room.
Buffy: It's angry at the room, Mom. It wants the room to suffer.

Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander.
Joyce: Will you be slaying?
Buffy: Only if they give me lip.

Buffy: Didn't anyone ever warn you about playing with pointy sticks? It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

Buffy: What if he's mad?
Xander: Mad? Just because you ran away and abandoned your post and your friends and your mom and made him lay awake every night worrying about you? ...Maybe we should wait out here.

Xander: Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a... a looker or a... a seer.

Buffy: I got in a few hours ago, but I wanted to go see my mom first.
Giles: Yes. Yes, of course. How, how did you find her?
Buffy: Well, I pretty much remembered the address.

Buffy: Well, thank you for the offer, but I think I just wanna get back to my normal routine. You know, school, slaying... kid's stuff.

Snyder: I have not only the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly.
Joyce: Buffy was cleared of all those charges.
Snyder: Yes. And while she may live up to the not-a-murderer requirement for enrolment, she is a troublemaker, destructive to school property and the occasional student. And her grade point average is enough to... I'm sorry. Another tingle moment.

Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.

Buffy: Welcome to the Hellmouth Petting Zoo.

Buffy: You know, I love art talk as much as the next very dull person, but we have work to do.

Oz: [Re: the zombie cat] It looks dead. It smells dead. Yet it's movin' around. That's interesting.

Xander: Okay, so one vote from the Old Guy for a Smelly Cheese Night, and how many votes for actual fun, huh?

Giles: Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!' Americans!

Xander: Look. I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles.

Cordelia: Time out, Xander. Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute, okay? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault...
Buffy: Cordy! Get outta my shoes!

Willow: No, let them go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence. [A zombie crashes through the window] I was being sarcastic!

Joyce: What do we do if they get in?
Xander: I kind of think we die.

Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?
Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
Cordelia: It's him.

Oz: I think the Dead Man's Party's moved upstairs.

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: Not good.

Willow: All right. I'll stop giving you a hard time. Runaway.
Buffy: Will!
Willow: I'm sorry. Quitter.
Buffy: Whiner.
Willow: Bailer.
Buffy: Harpy.
Willow: Delinquent.
Buffy: Tramp.
Willow: Bad seed.
Buffy: Witch.
Willow: Freak.

Faith, Hope and Trick

Willow: As Seniors, we can go off-campus now for lunch. It's no longer cutting. It's legal! Heck, it's expected! Wow, it's, uh, also a big step forward, a Senior moment, one that has to be savoured. You can't just rush into this, you know? [Gets dragged forward] Ohh! No, I can't!
Xander: You can.
Oz: See, you are.
Willow: Oh, but, no! What if they changed the rule without telling? What if they're lying in wait to *arrest* me, and, and throw me in detention and mar my unblemished record?

Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too couple-y around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a rabid dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?

Oz: All right, prepare to uncouple... Uncouple.

Xander: Buffy, banned from campus, but not from our hearts, how are you and what's for lunch?

Willow: Ooh, Scott Hope at eleven o'clock. He likes you. He wanted to ask you out last year, but you weren't ready then. But I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or-or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like... Oh! I didn't mean the *bad* thing with your mouth, I meant that little half-smile thing that you... You're supposed to stop me when I do that.
Oz: I like when you do that.

Willow: I think that went very well. Don't you think that went very well?
Cordelia: He didn't try to slit our throats or anything. That's progress.

Buffy: All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff!

Trick: Sunnydale. Town's got quaint. And the people? He called me 'sir'. Don't you just miss that? I mean, admittedly, it's not a haven for the brothers, you know, strictly the Caucasian Persuasion here in the Dale. But, you know, you just gotta stand up and salute their death rate.

Buffy: So let me get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school board *overruled* you. Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.
Joyce: I think what my daughter's trying to say is... Nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah.

Buffy: Oh, no, I have to go take an English makeup exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right?

Buffy: I passed my English makeup exam, hangin' with my friends. Hello, my life, how I've missed you.

Cordelia: I bet it's nothing. They're probably just making out.
Willow: [Sounds of fighting] That's not what making out sounds like, unless I'm doing it wrong.

Oz: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say there's a new Slayer in town.

Faith: God, I could eat a horse. Isn't it crazy how slayin' just always makes you hungry and horny?
Buffy: Well... Sometimes I-I crave a nonfat yoghurt afterwards.

Giles: There's a Watchers' retreat every year in the Cotswolds. It's a lovely spot. It's very serene. There's horse riding and hiking and punting and lectures and discussions. It-it's... it's a great honor to be invited. Or so I'm told.

Faith: [About Giles] If I'd've known they came *that* young and cute, I would've requested a transfer.
Buffy: Raise your hand if 'ew'.

Willow: There's big evil brewin'. You'll never be bored here, Faith. 'Cause this is Sunnydale, home of the big brewin' evil.

Willow: And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes.
Xander: And this is the spot where Angel tried to kill Willow.
Willow: Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on Parent-Teacher night. Oh, and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave.
Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.

Buffy: I'm the one getting single-white-femaled here.

Giles: What you must realize, Buffy, is that you and Faith have very different temperaments.
Buffy: Yeah, and mine's the sane one. The girl's not playing with a full deck, Giles. She has almost no deck. She has a three.

Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don't believe in: Coincidence and leprechauns.

Buffy: Scream later! Escape now!

Trick: If we don't do something, the Master could get killed... Well, our prayers are with him.

Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um... something went through him... and he was Angel again. He-he didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um, but it was... it was too late, and I, I had to. So I, I told him that I loved him... and I kissed him... and I killed him.

Beauty and the Beasts

Xander: Private Harris reporting for Oz watch.

Xander: Oh! 'Call of the wild'. Aren't we reading the Cliff Notes to this for English?
Willow: Some of us are.

Buffy: But my most favourite thing so far is that he doesn't seem to be any kind of Hell Beast.
Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.

Scott: Oh, well, we're not up to flowers. Are we? Up to flowers? Did I miss flowers?
Buffy: No. We're pre-posy.

Giles: It's good to see you. Um, no need to panic.
Oz: Just a thought: Poker: Not your game.

Buffy: Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity.

Buffy: Not too crazy? Those are your credentials?
Mr. Platt: Look, Buffy, any person -- grownup, shrink, pope -- any person who claims to be *totally* sane is either lying or not very bright. I mean, everyone has problems. Everybody has demons, right?

Mr. Platt: Look, lots of people lose themselves in love. It's, it's no shame. They write songs about it. The hitch is, you can't stay lost. Sooner or later, you... you have to get back to yourself. If you can't... Well, love becomes your master, and you're just its dog.

Cordelia: Oz ate someone last night.
Willow: He did not!
Xander: Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless, wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know, side effect, people get cut to ribbons, and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and... I'm not helping, am I?

Xander: We're doing crime here. You don't sneak up during crime.

Scott: I hope you realize I don't actually know these people. I just... I thought you would like me better if I had friends, so I hired them.

Oz: [To Pete before turning into a werewolf] I'm serious. Something's gonna happen that you... probably won't believe. [Pete turns into a monster] ...Or you might.

Cordelia: Pete was a monster? Where have I been?
Xander: In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.

Homecoming

Xander: A big, expensive limo?
Willow: That sounds like fun! And it's our last Homecoming dance, so maybe we should make a big deal of it.
Xander: You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people.

Cordelia: What's going on here? Did Scott not ask her to the Homecoming Dance yet?
Buffy: Thanks, Cordelia. Humiliation's really good for my color.

Mayor Wilkins: Your hands. I think they could be cleaner.
Allan: Of course, sir. I-I mean, I, I washed them, but...
Mayor Wilkins: After every meal and under your fingernails. Dirt gets trapped there... and germs... and mayonnaise.

Willow: You have to help me pick an outfit. I wanna wear something that makes Oz go, 'Oh.'

Cordelia: Michelle Blake, open to all mankind, especially those with a letterman's jacket and a car. She could give me a run.

Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all *sweaty*.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Buffy: I'm not talking about the Slayer. I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the Prom Queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.

Mr. Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It... makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human, vampire, and whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.

Mr. Trick: Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98!

Xander: So, um... you and Oz. How do I put this? Are we on first, second, or, uh... ye gods?

Xander: [Re: Helping Cordelia] She's my girlfriend.
Willow: It's just that... she needs it so much more than you do.
Oz: As Willow goes, so goes my nation.

Willow: No, I'm not a friend. I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there're forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces.
Buffy: And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together, or... the times I've saved your life.
Willow: What do you want?
Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelias database.
Willow: 'Kay.

Giles: We have to find Buffy. Something terrible's happened. ... Just kidding. Thought I'd give you a scare.

Faith: [Embarassing Scott in front of his date] Scott? There you are, honey! The doctor says that the itching and the swelling and the burning should clear up, but we gotta keep using the ointment.

Cordelia: I know what you're up to. You think if you get me mad enough, I won't be so scared. And, hey! It's working! Where's a damn weapon?

Buffy: That's it? [A spatula]
Cordelia: Just this and a telephone.
Buffy: A telephone. And you didn't think that'd be helpful?
Cordelia: No, this is better for... Oh!

Cordelia: Those animals! Hunting us down like poor defenceless... well, animals.

Cordelia: Listen up, needle brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.
Lyle: Wife!
Cordelia: Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up. *I'm* the Queen. You get me mad, what do you think I'm gonna do to you?

Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.

Cordelia: After all that we've been through tonight, this whole who-gets-to-be-queen capade seems pretty...
Buffy: Damn important.
Coredlia: Oh, yeah.

Band Candy

Mayor Wilkins: I've made certain deals to get where I am today. This demon requires his tribute. You see, that's what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick. I *keep* my campaign promises.

Buffy: And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming, 'none of the above'!
Willow: Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams. ...Probably not.

Willow: Oz is the highest scoring person never to graduate!
Buffy: Isn't she cute when she's proud?
Oz: She's always cute.

Xander: I hate that they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it, uh, discriminates against the uninformed.
Cordelia: Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. ...What? I can't have layers?

Buffy: I'm supervised 24/7. It's like being in the Real World house. Only real.

Angel: It's late. How'd you get away.
Buffy: Aw. It was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.

Buffy: B.X.? Before Xander. Clever.

Cordelia: Where is Giles already? I'm bored, and he's not here to give me credit for it.

Joyce: Um... Take the car, and, um, Mr. Giles can drive me home.
Buffy: What? Excuse me, I meant... what?!

Buffy: Let's do the time warp again.

Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?

Buffy: No vampire has ever been that scary.

Snyder: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!

Willow: It'll be okay when we get to Giles'.
Oz: Of course, I mean, even if he's sixteen, he's still Giles, right? He's probably a pretty together guy.
Buffy: Giles at sixteen? Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-The-World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy.

Buffy: Soup's up, but no one's grabbing a spoon.
Oz: Something's happening... someplace that's else.

Giles: No, you listen to me. I'm your Watcher, so you do what I tell you. Now, sod off!

Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton, and I don't feel any diff... Never mind.

Ethan: I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute... for a demon.

Giles: He's lying. Hit him.
Buffy: I don't think he is, and shut up.
Giles: You're *my* Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his throat.

Willow: 'Kiss rocks'? Why would anyone want to kiss... Oh, wait. I get it.

Buffy: Uh, hey, the way things were going, be glad that's the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before you actually *did* something.
Joyce: Right.
Giles: Indeed.

Revelations

Gwendolyn: Faith need a Watcher. I am to act in that capacity and report back.
Faith: Excuse me, Mary Poppins, but you don't seem to be listening.

Gwendolyn: The fact is, there is talk in the Council that you have become a bit too... American.
Giles: Me?
Buffy: Him?

Gwendolyn: Anything in your books that might pinpoint the exact location of the tomb would be useful, but then, we cannot ask for miracles.

Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her?
Giles: I think the Council might frown upon that.

Xander: Hey, you're not the Watcher of me.

Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.

Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.

Gwendolyn: Where is the glove?
Angel: It's in the trunk.
Gwendolyn: [Hits him with a shovel] That's what I love about this town. Everyone's so helpful.

Faith: What's going on?
Gwendolyn: Faith. A word of advice. You're an idiot.

Cordelia: So, there's no more glove thingy?
Xander: No, a little Living Flame, little mesquite, gone for good.
Oz: Sounds like we missed a lot of fun.
Xander: Then we're telling it wrong.

Willow: Well, he saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again.

Xander: Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess.

Faith: Yeah, well, you can't trust people. I should've learned that by now.

Lovers Walk

Willow: 740? Verbal?! I'm-I'm... pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel.

Oz: That was my sarcastic voice.
Xander: You know it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz: I've been told that.

Cordelia: Well, I think it's great! Now you can leave and never come back! ...Well, I meant that in a positive way. Get out of Sunnydale. That's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever wanna come back here?

Oz: I don't think they make a werewolf PEZ. You might have to settle for a wacky cartoon dog.

Buffy: Okay, but you're just going for a few days, right? I mean, you're not gonna settle there and grow crops or anything.
Giles: What? Oh, my gear? No, no, this is, this is basic necessities.
Buffy: Giles, you pack like me.

Buffy: Yeah, she saw these scores, and her head spun around and exploded.
Giles: I-I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?

Joyce: It's just that you belong at a, a good old-fashioned college with, with keg parties and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.

Mayor Wilkins: [To Allan] I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game. Of course, it's a little late for that. I don't suppost I could offer *your* soul, huh? Really help me on the green.

Xander: Whoa! It smells like church in here. No, wait... Evil church.

Spike: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?

Buffy: Yeah, either they were taken, or they ran, or maybe...
Cordelia: You're having too many ors! Pick one!

Joyce: Well, she sounds very unreasonable.
Spike: She is. She's out of her mind. That's what I miss most about her.

Spike: No, this is different. Our love was eternal. Literally.

Angel: Spike.
Joyce: [To Angel] Oh, my God. Get out of here!
Spike: Yeah, you're not invited.
Joyce: He's crazy. He'll kill us.
Spike: Not while I breathe. Well, actually, I don't breathe.
Angel: Joyce, listen to me.
Joyce: You get out of this house, or I'll stake you myself.
Spike: You're a very bad man.
Angel: Joyce, you can't trust him. Invite me in. [To Spike] You touch her, and I'll cut your head off!
Spike: Yeah? You and what army?
Buffy: That would be me.

Buffy: You took Willow.
Spike: You do me now, you'll never find the little witch.
Joyce: Willow's a witch?
Buffy: And Xander?
Spiek: Him too.
Joyce: What, Xander's a witch?

Spike: Doesn't work like that, peaches. And when did you become all soul-having again? I thought you outgrew that.

Spike: Oh... My head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Oh, God... I wish I was dead.
Buffy: Well, if you close your eyes and wish real hard...

Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
Angel: That's right.

Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Xander: So what are our options?
Willow: Well, I figure either... I refuse to do the spell and he kills us, or I do the spell and he kills us.
Xander: Give me a third option.
Willow: He's so drunk he forgets about us and we starve to death. That's sort of the best one.

Spike: This should be a kick.
Buffy: I violently dislike you.

Spike: Oh, yeah. You two. Just friends. No danger there.

Spike: I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again.

Buffy: I'm not coming back. We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go.

The Wish

Xander: And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Cordelia: But Harmony...
Anya: Oh, she follows me around. If that girl had an original thought, her head would explode.

Anya: But Xander, he's an utter loser. Don't you wish...
Cordelia: I never would've looked twice at Xander if Buffy hadn't made him marginally cooler by hanging out with him.
Anya: Really?
Cordelia: Yeah, I swear! I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.
Anyanka: Done!

VampWillow: Bored now. This is the part that's less fun. When there isn't any screaming.

Cordelia: What's up with you two and the leather?

Cordelia: No. No! No way! I wish us into Bizarro Land, and you guys are still together?! I cannot win!

Giles: She said something about everything being different, that the... the world wasn't supposed to be like this. It was, um, better. Before.
Larry: Okay. The entire world sucks because some dead ditz made a wish? I just, I just want it clear.

Buffy: World is what it is. We fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change anything.
Giles: I have to believe in a better world.
Buffy: Go ahead. I have to live in this one.

Buffy: I don't play well with others. Now, I'm gonna ask you this once, and then I'm gonna get testy. Where's this club?

Anyanka: You trusting fool! How do you know the other world is any better than this one?
Giles: Because it has to be.

Amends

Buffy: Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it.
Angel: Not as a rule, no.

Xander: Angel? Weird? What are the odds?

Buffy: Tree. Nog. Roast beast. Just me and Mom and hopefully an excess of gifts. What are you doing for Christmas?

Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everybody worships Santa.

Oz: The thing is... seeing you with Xander, it was... Well, I never felt that way before... when it wasn't a full moon... but I know you guys have a history.
Willow: But it's a history that's in the past. Well, I-I guess most history is in the past. But it's over.

Oz: This is what I do know: I miss you. Like, every second. Almost like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso. So, I think I'd be willing to... give it a shot.

Xander: Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing, and, um, I don't know, maybe I finally got the Chanukah spirit.

Buffy: Nothing like a roaring fire to keep away the blistering heat.
Joyce: Oh, come on. It's lovely. Maybe I should turn the air conditioning on...

Jenny: Couldn't you just... feel her? Couldn't you almost smell her skin? You never were a fighter, Angel, don't start trying now. Sooner or later you will drink her.

Angel: I don't need strength. I just need the sun to rise.
Jenny: You're not supposed to die. That wasn't the plan. But it'll do.

Angel: Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.
Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster.

Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because...

Weatherman: Sunnydale residents shouldn't expect to see the sun at all today. That cold front isn't going anywhere. With temperatures in the high 30s, means you better bundle up if you're planning to go outside and enjoy the change in the weather.

Gingerbread

Willow: Makes me grateful that my mom's not interested in my extra-curricular activities... Or my curricular activities.

Giles: They're confiscating my books.
Buffy: Giles, we need those books.
Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun.

Snyder: Fight it if you want. Just remember, lift a finger against me, and you'll have to answer to MOO.
Buffy: Answer to MOO? Did that sentence just make a sense that I'm not in on?
Snyder: 'Mothers Opposed to the Occult'. A powerful new group.
Buffy: And who came up with that lame name?
Snyder: That would be the founder. I believe you call her 'Mom'.

Willow: Mom, I'm not an age group. I'm me. Willow group.

Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out. I'm a witch! I-I can make pencils float. And I can summon the four elements. Okay, two, but four soon. ...A-and I'm dating a musician.
Sheila: Oh, Willow!

Angel: I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.

Giles: Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh... Uh, there's a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real?

Giles: Of course! Well, it all makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.

Cordelia: I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.

Oz: Just so we're clear, you guys know you're nuts, right?

Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math.

Helpless

Buffy: I think I'll celebrate this one with quiet reflection.
Xander: Where is it written that quiet reflection can't be combined with cake and funny hats?

Buffy: I-if someone were free, they'd take their daughters or their student... or their Slayer.

Buffy: Okay, I just got swatted down by some no-neck and rescued by Cordelia. What the hell is happening?

Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um, Slayers kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drain Superman of his powers.
Oz: Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird...
Buffy: Guys? Reality?

Angel: Buffy, you could never be helpless or boring, not even if you tried.

Angel: I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon our in front of your school. You walked down the steps... and... and I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: 'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe... To warm it with my own.
Buffy: That's beautiful. Or, taken literally, incredibly gross.

Buffy: You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me!

Cordelia: What's going on? Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother.

Giles: Yes. Interestingly, I don't give a rat's ass about the Council's orders. There will be no test.

Buffy: If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.

Quentin: You think the test was unfair?
Buffy: I think you better leave town before I get my strength back.

Quentin: Your affection for your charge has rendered you incapable of clear and impartial judgment. You have a father's love for the child, and that is useless to the cause.

Willow: Well, it's just... I mean, he's been *fired*! He's, he's unemployed! He's... between jobs.
Buffy: Giles isn't going anywhere, Will. He's still librarian.
Willow: Okay, but I'm writing an angry letter.

Buffy: You know, nothing's really gonna change. The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror.

The Zeppo

Willow: Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear.

Buffy: What do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows! ... Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.

Xander: Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures Hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?
Cordelia: Because, unlike all those creatures you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you're there.

Xander: I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Oz: Not the way I play it.

Lysette: [About Xander's car] How does she handle?
Xander: Like a dream about warm, sticky things.

Xander: Angel! Buddy! Friend-buddy. You want to sit and talk?

Xander: You know, it's not like I haven't helped before. I've done some quality violence for these people.

Buffy: 'Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors...' Eww. '...celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes.' They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?

Xander: Yeah, great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword.
Jack: She's called 'Katie'.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.

Willy: If I were you... I'd go find Angel... go somewhere quiet together. I'd be thinking about how I wanna spend my last night on Earth.

Faith: You up for it?
Xander: Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um... I've never been up with people before.
Faith: Just relax... And take your pants off.
Xander: Those two concepts are antithetical.
Faith: Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.
Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

Xander: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already dead guys with bombs.

Xander: Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?

Jack: I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.
Xander: [Reminding him of the bomb] You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?

Bad Girls

Willow: I'm so overwhelmed! I-I got in! To actual colleges! And, a-and they're wooing me! They're pitching woo!

Xander: The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone. Who, uh, incidentally, won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker wear.
Cordelia: Well, Xander, I could dress more like you, but, oh, my father has a job.

Wesley: I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course.
Giles: Well, no danger of finding those here.
Wesley: Vampires?
Giles: Controlled circumstances.

Buffy: [Re: Wesley] Is he evil?
Giles: Not in the strictest sense.

Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie.

Giles: That's everything. Knock yourself out. Please?

Buffy: I hate it when they drown me.

Wesley: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: Preparation... preparation... preparation.
Buffy: That's one word three times.

Buffy: How come your eye twitches every time I say Faith's name?
Xander: What? No, it doesn't.
Buffy: Faith.
Xander: Cut it out!

Buffy: Okay, we got ten, maybe twelve bad guys, and one big demon in desperate need of a stairmaster.

Buffy: I'm surprised, though, 'cause usually spell stuff's more...
Willow: Stinky. Yeah. That's why I added lavender. Give me time, and I may be the first Wiccan to do all my conjuring in pine-fresh scent.

Consequences

Cordelia: Check out Giles: The Next Generation. What's your deal?
Wesley: Uh, I, uh... Well... I'm a...
Faith: New Watcher.
Cordelia: Oh.

Mayor Wilkins: Well, this *is* exciting. A Slayer up for Murder One. That's sunshine and roses to me. It really is.

Buffy: You mean, like that intervention thing that you guys did on me? As I recall, Xander and I nearly came to blows.
Xander: Uh, *you* nearly came to blows, Buffy. I nearly came to loss of limbs.

Xander: Oh, she was fighting one of those, uh, apocalypse demon things, and I helped her. Gave her a ride home.
Buffy: And you guys talked?
Xander: Not extensively. No.
Buffy: Then why would you... Oh.
Giles: Oh.
Willow: I don't need to say 'oh'. I got it before. They slept together.

Angel: I'm sorry about the chains. It's not that I don't trust you... Actually, it is that I don't trust you.

Willow: Can I... I'm just wondering. Why? I'm not the most objective, I know. I kind of have an issue with Faith sharing my people.

Wesley: What can I do? I want to help.
Buffy: You still got your ticket back to the mother country?

Dopplegangland

Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math.

Buffy: The Watcher's Council shrink is heavily into tests. He's got tests for everything. T.A.T.s, Rorschach, associative logic... He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or you ever wanted to be a florist.
Willow: Ooo, I used to want...Wait. Florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.

Willow: Competition is natural and healthy. Plus, you'll definitely ace her on the psych tests. Just don't mark the box that says: 'I sometimes like to kill people'.

Major Wilkins: No Slayer of *mine* is gonna live in a fleabag hotel. That place has a very unsavoury reputation. There are immoral liaisons going on there.
Faith: Yeah, plus all the screwing.

Willow: No, it's fine. I'm 'Old Reliable'.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that gois off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that, that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller.
Buffy: Xander! I beg you not to help me.

Willow: Maybe I'll change my look! Or cut class. You don't know. And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned!

Anya: I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if...
Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable-Dog-Geyser Person.

VampWillow: Xander!
Xander: Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you.
VampWillow: You're alive!
Xander: Uh... Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. Don't wanna fall back on bad habits. Hands! Hands in new places!
VampWillow: [Disappointed] You're alive.

Buffy: Aren't you gonna introduce me to your...Holy *God*, you're Willow.

VampWillow: You made me cranky.
Alfonse: There's been a mistake here. We were sent after a human.
VampWillow: Really? Who do you work for?
Alfonse: I'm not telling you a thing.
VampWillow: [Breaks his finger] Who do you work for?
Alfonse: Wilkins. The Mayor.
VampWillow: [Breaks another finger] Who do you work for?
Alfonse: You.

Giles: She was truly the finest of all of us.
Xander: Way better than me.
Giles: Much, much better.

Buffy: Willow, you're alive?
Willow: Aren't I usually?

Willow: Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?

Buffy: Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh... Something... Something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: I.D. ...I.D.
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: I.D.
Anya: Gimme a coke.

Angel: Why don't I believe him?
Oz: Well, he lacks credibility.

Buffy: It was exactly like you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix. As far as we know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play 'Mistress of Pain' every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.

Angel: Willow's dead... Hey, Willow... Wait a second.
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.

Evil Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.

Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually... That's a good point.

Anya: Vampires. Always thinking with your teeth.

Enemies

Buffy: So, feel like getting some hot chocolate...or some cold shower?
Angel: I'm sorry. I wanted to take you somewhere fun. It's been a long time since I've been to the movies. They've changed.

Demon: Ow! Oh! What are you, nuts? Going around punching people?
Buffy: People?
Demon: So what, I'm a demon. That makes it okay?

Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.

Cordelia: [To Wesley] I have a paper to write for English and you're English, so I thought... [To the others] What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective? [To Wesley] I study best in a good restaurant, around eightish? Think it over.
Xander: And on the day the words flimsy excuse were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.

Xander: Found your demon.
Buffy: Fashion tip Wes, mouth looks better closed

Buffy: I know this, that's by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
Giles: Again, see. No standards. Any self respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or nice crypt.
Buffy: I'll remember to mention that.

Buffy: You're right, Faith would never do that.
Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the do-that-girl.
Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here?
Willow: Please, does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see, is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.

Angel: Thanks... so much. It's good to have the taste of a Slayer back in my mouth. It's like cigarettes, you know? Just when I thought I'd quit. No, really, don't get up.

Angel: Let me guess, you summoned back the true Angelus because you need a new boy toy.

Angel: It's good to be back in Sunnydale. Nice climate, plenty to eat, no tortured humanity to hold me down.

Angel: I should have known you'd like it on top.
Faith: You want to listen or you wanna die?
Angel: As long as you're there, I mostly want you to wriggle.

Mayor Wilkins: Angelus, may I call you Angel?
Angel: Well, I'm thinking more along the lines of you calling me master.
Mayor: Ah. You know Angelus, attitude may get you attention, but courtesy wins respect.

Angel: I know what you're thinking. Maybe there's some good deep down inside of me that remembers and loves you, if only you could reach me. But then again, we have reality.

Angel: One thing I learned about Buffy, she's so cute when she's sleeping.

Angel: You know what I just can't believe, all of our time together and we never tried chains.

Buffy: I never knew you had so much rage in you.
Faith: What can I say? I'm the world's best actor.
Angel: Second best.
Buffy: Graduation day. You think we missed anything?
Angel: I think we know everything she knows.

Willow: At least Angel's not bad, though. That's good, right?
Xander: Yes. I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise.

Earshot

Willow: I don't like this whole no mouth thing. It's disquieting.
Buffy: Well, no mouth means no teeth... unless they have them somewhere else...

Giles: I was just filling Buffy in on my progress regarding the research on the ascension.
Wesley: Oh, and what took up the rest of the minute?

Buffy: A part of the demon. Hope it's not the outside part.

Willow: The school paper is edging towards depressing lately. You guys notice that?
Oz: I don't know. I always go straight to the obits.

Oz: It was intense.
Xander: Yeah, for a minute there I thought you're gonna make an expression.
Oz: Well, I felt one coming on. I won't lie.

Xander: You know Oz, I look at all this beauty, all these healthy young women and I wonder why I ever wasted my time on Cordelia. I mean, look at her. She's no better looking than the rest of them.
Oz: None of them are really my...
Xander: [Notices Wesley] Oh, my God, he's looking at her! He's got his filthy adult Pierce Brosny eyes all over my Cordy.
Oz: You're a very complex man, aren't you.

Buffy: Ooh, sorry. Sorry about the daytime. I just ducked out of school and that's when they have it.

Angel: You don't have to play games with me Buffy. Ever.
Buffy: Well, you're not exactly Joe-Here's-What-I'm-Thinking.
Angel: So ask me.
Buffy: Oh, but that would have made sense.

Oz: I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. Huh.

Xander: What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls. Naked women! Naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!
Buffy: God, Xander!
Xander: Actually... Buy!

Oz: No one else exists either. Buffy is all of us. We think. Therefore she is.

Xander: Yeah, I mean who hasn't idly thought of taking out the place with a semi-automatic...I said idly.

Xander: You have no shame.
Cordelia: Oh please, like shame is something to be proud of.

Buffy: What are you... You had sex with Giles! You had sex with Giles!
Joyce: It was the candy. We were teenagers.
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: I'll be downstairs. You feel better.
Buffy: Twice?!

Willow: Talk to everyone on your list. And use the sample questions... today, people!

Cordelia: Hi Mr. Beach. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow. Oh, it's for the yearbook.

Larry: Man, I'm out. I'm so out I've got my grandma fixing me up with guys.

Oz: [Reading] Dingoes Ate My Baby play their instruments as if they have plump polish sausages taped to their fingers.
Freddy: Sorry, man.
Oz: No, it's fair.

Buffy: If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening.

Willow: So, you feelin' better about Angel?
Buffy: Well, we talked, and then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me and then we talked some more.
Willow: See, that's how it should work.

Giles: Feel up to some training?
Buffy: Sure, we could work-out after school, you know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother!
[Giles walks into a tree]

Choices

Snyder: Okay, what's in the bag?
Student: My lunch.
Snyder: Is that the new drug lingo?
Student: No, it's my lunch.
Snyder: Sit up straight.

Buffy: Faith's turn to the dark side of the Force pretty much put the proverbial kibosh on any away plans for me.

Buffy: I can't believe you got in to Oxford!
Willow: It's pretty amazing.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses.
Willow: I know. I can learn and, and have scones.

Wesley: I don't understand.
Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes.

Wesley: But you're a Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah, I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my Slayerness. That's... something-ism.

Wesley: You cannot leave Sunnydale! With the power invested in me by the Council, I forbid it.
Giles: Oh, yes, that should settle it.

Vampire: You killed him.
Faith: What are you, the narrator?

Buffy: Unfortunately, that's all I could get out of my informant before his aggressive tendencies forced me to introduce him to Mr. Pointy.

Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But, oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.

Xander: I need a volunteer to hit Wesley.

Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient.
Willow: Oh, and here I thought you just didn't have a come-back.

Major Wilkins: She's pretty, Angel. A little skinny. Still don't understand why it couldn't work out with you and my Faith. Guess you kind of just have strange taste in women.
Angel: Yeah, well, what can I say? I like 'em sane.

Snyder: You... all of you... Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?

Buffy: This is your night for suave, Will. You should get captured more often.

Willow: What do you mean, I can't?
Buffy: I won't let you.
Willow: Of the two people here, which is the boss of me?

Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.
Willow: Mochas?
Buffy: Yes, please.

The Prom

Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.

Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.

Anya: Now I have all these "feelings". I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance, and I want someone to go with me.
Xander: Be still my heart. Oh, wait, it is.

Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.

Oz: Anya, huh? Interesting choice.
Xander: Choice is kind of a broad term for my situation. See, it's either Anya, or the sock puppet of love for this boy.
Willow: Well, if Anya tries to get you killed, put me down for a big "I told you so."
Buffy: Well, at least we all have someone to go with now. Some of us are going with demons, but I think that's a valid lifestyle choice.

Angel: You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you.

Cordelia: No dresses, no cellphone, no car. Everything's been taken away because Daddy made a little mistake on his taxes. For the last twelwe years.

Cordelia: The other part that totally weirded me out, that thing had good taste. He chucked Xander and went right for the formalwear.

Oz: Once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in special occasion.

Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?

Buffy: I mean, where did I think you get your blood, McPlasma's?

Buffy: Great thing about being a Slayer? Kicking ass is comfort food.

Willow: We got in. Maybe we should dance before we get besieged, bedeviled or beheaded or something.

Jonathan: This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there was a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, the prom committee asked me to read this: 'We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here'.
Outcries: Zombies! Hyena people! Snyder!
Jonathan: 'But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know that at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks and gives you, uh... this.' [A glittering mini umbrella] It's from all of us. And it has written here, Buffy Summers -- Class Protector.

Giles: For god's sake, man, she's 18! And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about!

Graduation Day, Part 1

Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion.
Xander: I just want to look respectable in this... Considering I'm probably gonna die in it.
Cordelia: Excuse me?
Xander: I'm telling you, I woke up the other day with this feeling in my gut. I just know. There is no way I'm getting out of this school alive.

Buffy: [Re: Harmony] Don't you hate her?
Willow: Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years. The vacuous tramp. It's like a sickness, Buffy. I'm just missing everything. I miss P.E.
Buffy: I think it's contagious. The whole senior class has turned into the 60's. Or what I would have imagined the 60's would have been like, you know, without the war and the hairy armpits.

Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?

Wesley: Everybody does seem to be going a bit mad lately. Faith has something of a head-start.

Buffy: What page are you on, Wes? 'Cause we already got there.

Buffy: I just love it when you take charge, you man, you.
Wesley: But, wha... was that a yes? I'm having trouble keeping track.

Giles: Faith has you at a disadvantage, Buffy.
Buffy: Cause I'm not crazy or cause I don't kill people?
Giles: Both, actually.

Cordelia: What's her saga?
Xander: She's freaking.
Cordelia: About what?
Xander: The Mayor's gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you going to go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Me, too.

Willow: No, it's great... If we want to make ferns invisible, or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here.
Oz: Our lives are different than other people's.

Angel: Are you mad at me for being around too much or for not being around enough?
Buffy: Duh. Yeah.
Angel: Which?
Buffy: What?
Angel: I don't get you.

Wesley: Buffy, they're very firm. We're talking about laws that have existed longer than civilization.
Buffy: I'm talking about watching my lover die. I don't have a clue what you're talking about and I don't care.

Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.

Buffy: I have a strategy. You're not in it.
Wesley: This is mutiny.
Buffy: I like to call it graduation.

Graduation Day, Part 2

Xander: Here's your coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.
Giles: Thank you. Horrible.
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.

Cordelia: I demand an explanation!
Xander: For what?
Cordelia: Wesley.
Xander: Uh, inbreeding?

Xander: Well. It's just good to know that when the chips are down and things look grim, you'll feed off the girl who loves you to save your own ass.

Faith: Miles to go. Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0.
Buffy: Great. Riddles.

Buffy: Is this your head or mine?
Faith: Beats me.

Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with humus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
Cordelia: Thank you.

Buffy: Faith told me to play on his human weakness.
Willow: Faith told you? Was that before or after you put her in a coma?
Buffy: After.
Willow: Oh.

Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it coming.

Angel: At the hospital, he was grieving. Seriously crazed and not just in a homicidal-I-want-to-be-a-demon way.

Wesley: You haven't an enourmous amount of time.
Xander: Hey! It's Mr. States the Obvious!

Buffy: The council is not welcome here. I have no time for orders. If I need someone to scream like a woman I'll give you a call.

Buffy: You and Xander are going to have to work together now. Can you guys handle that?
Xander: But I'm still key guy, right?
Buffy: Right.
Xander: Then Angel, in his non key-guy capacity, can work with me.
Angel: What fun.
Xander: Hey! Key-guy is still talking.
Buffy: Oh, that's good. Start bickering. That'll look great for us. You guys are like little old ladies.

Snyder: Congratulations to the Class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate.

Buffy: My God. He's gonna do the entire speech.
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
Buffy: Evil.

Buffy: Fire bad, tree pretty.

Cordelia: Well, that was the most fun you could have without having any fun.

Buffy: If someone could just wake me when it's time to go to college, that'd be great.

Willow: Why do demons even come here? I mean, don't they know how bad we are?