Xander: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All the splashing and
jumping and running... Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay
put.
Willow: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.
Xander: The fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.
Giles: Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for
me.
Willow: Just call me the computer whisperer.
Giles: Willow, um... you mustn't repeat what I'm about to say. Especially not
to Buffy. Willow: Uh-oh.
Giles: You promise?
Willow: Oh, god. Well, I guess... Now that I know there's something to know, I
can't *not* know, just because I'm afraid somebody'll know I know... you know?
Giles: Did that mean yes?
Willow: Yeah.
Giles: I'm going back to England.
Willow: What? But you can't. You're Buffy's Watcher... I mean, in a fired way.
Willow: But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched. Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.
Joyce: [Re patrolling] Now? It's 8:30.
Buffy: Well, vamps don't really care what time it is. You know, dark equals
dinner bell.
Buffy: So lemme get this straight. You're... "Dracula." The guy, the
count.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you're sure this isn't a fan boy thing? Cause I've fought more than a couple
pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Xander: Nice. Look who's got a bad case of dark prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to "leave you." And where'd you get that
accent, Sesame Street? Vun, two, three -- three victims. Mwa ha ha!
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: Wow, really? Hey, sorry, man, I was... just jokin' around.
Xander: And Buffy's all 'Look out' and friggin' Dracula is standing right behind us.
Xander: I wonder if he knows Frankenstein?
Tara: You thought Dracula was sexy?
Willow: Oh! No. He, he was... yuck.
Anya: Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing? Yucko.
Xander: How would you know?
Anya: Oh, we hung out a few times. Back in my demon days. You know, once or twice. He's
pretty cool. You know, from a whole evil-thing perspective.
Buffy: No killing until we know exactly what we're dealing with.
Riley: You're not just saying that because of those dark penetrating eyes of his,
are you?
Buffy: No, his eyes were... there was no penetration... cross my heart.
Xander: Great. Perfect. You know what? You're not so big. One round of
old-fashioned fisticuffs, you'd fold like a bitty baby. Okay, let's do it. And
no poofing. Come on, puffy shirt. Pucker on up, cause you can kiss your pale
ass--
Dracula: Silence.
Xander: Yes master.
Xander: Blood! Yes! Yes! I will serve you, your excellent spookiness. Or master,
I'll just stick with master.
Dracula: You are strange and off-putting.
Buffy: You think you can just waft in here with your rock music-video wind and hypno-eyes...
Xander: Like any of that is enough to fight the Dark Master. ...bator.
Xander: I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince. ...bator.
Xander: You're saying Dracula has some sort of freaky mind control over her? You're watching too many creature features, man.
Willow: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb? Avoid white skinned men in capes.
Xander: I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
Xander: Master, I deliver the Slayer. She who you most desire. Sorry... "whom".
Dracula: I knew you'd come.
Buffy: Why? Because I'm under your thrall? [Takes out a stake] Well, guess again,
pal.
Dracula: Put the stake down.
Buffy: Okay. [Puts it down] Right. That... was not... you. I did that. I did
that because... I wanted to. Maybe I should rethink that thrall thing.
Giles: Oh! Good show, Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change.
Buffy: Wow... that was gross.
Dracula: You are resisting.
Buffy: Looks like.
Dracula: Come here. Come to me.
Buffy: You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship. But
I want to thank you for opening up my eyes a little.
Dracula: What is this?
Buffy: My true nature. You want a taste?
Xander: Where is he! Where's the creep that turned me into a spider eating
man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats
insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being
everybody's butt monkey!
Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
Joyce: Buffy, if you're going out why don't you take your sister?
Dawn: If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.
Buffy: That doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop.
No school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts. [Gets no reaction] Geez, crack a
book sometime.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit. Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.
Buffy: Plans? We planned plans?
Riley: Well, you said, uh, "come over tomorrow and we'll hang," and
then I said, "OK." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.
Buffy: Are you mad at me?
Riley: Oh, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way.
Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.
Buffy: There's a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that?
Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this
sitting here, not contributing. No, i-it's not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty!
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.
Dawn: Hey, there's Willow and Tara!
Giles: Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.
Dawn: [Re Willow and Tara] They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.
Buffy: Look like someone's put together a new fang club.
Giles: I bet the death-rate keeps the rent down.
Harmony: Good job, minions!
Dawn: Xander's so much cuter than anyone. And smarter, too. He totally skipped college, and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of... deep, you know? He builds things.
Joyce: Dawn, be good.
Xander: We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from
some guy. I don't know his name.
Riley: So you want your mother to give you space to be a slayer, and shield you
from it at the same time.
Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in
it.
Riley: Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.
Anya: Oh, crap. Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny
pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage...
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?
Xander: What could be funny? Just, "Look out! It's a terrifying Harmony gang! Ooh!"
Anya: A Slayer's house should have more weapons lying around.
Harmony: What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing.
Sike: Well. Hello, Harm.
Harmony: Spikey. I mean, Spike.
Spike: Long time. You look good.
Harmony: I feel good.
Spike: I remember.
Spike: Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.
Buffy: It's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules. Especially the biggie! Numero one-oh. "Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our house." I mean, please, I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.
Harmony: Once again, nice work, minionators! I'm really, really proud of you
guys. Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest... comfortable?
Mort: You told me to chain her to a wall.
Harmony: Yeah, I know, I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever?
Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Dawn: Anya's going to be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out.
Buffy: Aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the
life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and, have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay
for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus. Increase my resources.
And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There
may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored *were* you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
Buffy: [To Dawn] Don't break anything. Just don't touch anything. What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.
Dawn: She still thinks I'm little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.
Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to hell. They have one bedrooms, right?
Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
Buffy: Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big
guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba...
See, now with the flying kick. From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw
enthusiasm?
Riley: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not
always on slayer duty, you know?
Buffy: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were
all saluting backwards and... invading all willy-nilly.
Anya: We can have the Scooby meetings in the living room. And Giles can explain the boring things... over there.
Xander: I guess I'll start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
Buffy: How badly did you hurt him?
Giles: Well, hurt, uh... maybe not... hurt.
Willow: Well, I-I'm sure he was startled.
Giles: Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn.
Buffy: He ran away, huh?
Giles: Um, sort of more... uh... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose.
He said I didn't concern him.
Buffy: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
Giles: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious so I say bravo for me!
Xander: So you bought the Magic Shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swinging chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?
Giles: Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a Toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
Giles: No, Toth is the name of the demon.
Buffy: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
Riley: People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.
Willow: I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so... no.
Riley: What are *you* doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of
crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I?
Xander: What am I doing in there?!
Spike: Oh, Slayer. One of these days.
Xander: Welcome to payback Mr. Evil-Plan-Face-Stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.
Xander: She's coming on to him!... Me!
Xander: He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy.
Xander: Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander.
Willow: Um... Okay.
Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and I know... Okay! On my seventh birthday I wanted a
toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you were real nice about it and then the house next
door burnt down and then real fire trucks came and for years I thought you set the fire.
And if you did, you could tell me. For a while last year, I thought I was
lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy
dance.
Willow: Xander ... stop dancing.
Xander: Aha! You called me Xander!
Willow: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
Xander: Oh. Huh.
Xander: [Re Anya] No way! No way. He can take anything, but he can't have her.
I need her.
Willow: Really?
Xander: He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell, something... revealy.
I gotta find her.
Willow: Xander... You already knew he was taking over your life, and... you
didn't think about Anya till just now?
Xander: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
Willow: I handled it fine.
Xander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as
fifty years left.
Xander: When I get to the pearly gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in."
Giles: I swear this time I know I had that locked.
Buffy: If Xander kills himself, he's dead... you know what I mean.
Xander: He can't be me. He's all fancy.
Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? ...Just me then.
Anya: Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together and then, you know, slap them back together in the morning.
Giles: Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to
pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Buffy: They're... kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
ANnya: Ooh! Presents?
Xander: Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates.
Which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little.
Anya: Me? Buffy has super strength. Why don't we just load her up like one of
those little horses?
Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half... is so still and peaceful... just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.
Spike: And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?
Buffy: Would it keep you out of my way?
Riley: She's right. You shouldn't be out here when she's patrolling.
Spike: Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy is entirely welcome. You should take him
home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow.
Willow: Listen to us! We-we're arguing! We're having a debate about a college
lecture! I have dreamt of this day since ... forever! You are turning into quite
the student. Should I be watching my occipital lobe?
Buffy: Your what?
Willow: Occipital. The lobe in the back of your brain. You know, like, "should
I be watching my back?" But, you know, the... back of your brain.
Buffy: Apparently not. Don't worry, Will, you still wear the smarty-pants in the
family.
Buffy: I'm starting to think this working hard is hard work.
Willow: Oh, I feel like a witch in a magic shop! Ooh. Are these real newt eyes?
Giles: No, too... rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes,
it's the... cataracts which give them their newt-like appearance. They're really
equally effective, though, it's... just a matter of overcoming snobberies.
Tara: [Holding Willow's hand for a palm reading] Hmm.
Willow: What do you see?
Tara: Willow hand.
Xander: I'm the dummy man! I mean, I made the dummy.
Buffy: You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all rolled up into one. Q from Bond, not Star Trek.
Spike: Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?
Spike: Buffy's looking for you?
Harmony: Of course! That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her
arch-nemesis!
Spike: Is that right. I must have missed the memo.
Harmony: Come on, Spike. Pretty please? I'll do anything!
Spike: Anything, will you?
Harmony: Yeah! I said I'll do anything. ...Ohhhh. You mean will I have sex with
you? Well, yeah.
Spike: Taking up smoking, are you?
Harmony: I *am* a villain, Spike, hello!
Joyce: You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal. You are growing up.
Willow: What about a crossword? Some people say feed a cold, I say puzzle it.
Buffy: I *so* don't want to deal with Spike right now. The guy's really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way.
Spike: Okay, is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
Harmony: No! Only three!
Spike: Harmony... is it a sodding breadbox?
Harmony: Yes! Oh my god! Someone's blondie bear is a twenty-question genius!
Spike: Oh dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die?
Harmony: I read in a magazine that some women think a man's real sex organ is
his brain. Yecch! No contest. I mean, look at it. It's so... pink and
wriggly-looking. Can I touch it?
Spike/Doctor: [In unison] No!
Spike: Bathe in the Slayer's blood. I've gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke.
Spike: [Dreaming] Buffy, I love you. God, I love you so much. [Waking up] Oh, God, no. Please, no.
Willow: I can't help it. I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn . . . 'cause she's, you know, a big spaz.
Anya: I'm sorry. I'm nearly out of money. I never had to afford things before and it's
making me bitter.
Xander: I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay.
Xander: Anya, the shopkeepers union of America called; they want me to tell you that
"Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Buffy: You're not my sister.
Spike: Out. For. A. Walk...Bitch.
Spike: On your merry way, then? You know, contrary to one's self-involved worldview, your
house happens to be directly between parts and other parts of this town. And I would pass
by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.
Spike: I really hope so, 'cause god knows you need some satisfaction in life besides
shagging Captain Cardboard, and -- and, I never really liked you anyway, and -- and you
have stupid hair
Xander: I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain.
Giles: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place
apart. Seems so much simpler.
Family
Xander: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might've been Latin.
Anya: Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. Please come again for more purchases!
Buffy: She was kinda like Cordelia, actually. I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair.
Giles: And you are talking about what on earth?
Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're
both profoundly stupid.
Buffy: Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits.
Riley: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip
that in the bud.
Glory: A slayer?? Oh god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! How
unbelievably common! If I had friends, and they heard about this...
Buffy: She's a hair-puller.
Spike: I don't care what happens.
Anya: What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very
evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society.
Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of
spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.
Fool For Love
Buffy: Well, at least no major organs got kebabed.
Joyce: I'm fine, bordering on chipper, and tomorrow planning on being obnoxious.
Dawn: Oh sure. I save your butt and you dump all your chores on me.
Buffy: I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package, but I
want mine to be a long time from now.
Spike: Ow! Wait, not "ow." Are you feeling all right, Slayer? This stuff usually
hurts.
Spike: You know, there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This,
unfortunately, is not one of them.
Spike: Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers, and you want to learn
fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.
Spike: What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.
William: Quickly, I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for
"gleaming"? It's a perfectly perfect word, as many words go, but the bother is
nothing rhymes, you see.
Guy: I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!
Cecily: That's the problem. You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me.
Dru: And I wonder what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought
this dashing stranger to tears?
Dru: Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his
glory. That, and burning baby fish swimming all around your head.
Spike: Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time.
Angelus: A real kill, a good kill, it takes pure artistry. Without that, we're just
animals.
Spike: One... good... day.
Spike: Lesson the second: Ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat them?
Question isn't how'd I win. The question is, why'd they lose?
Spike: Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the
day I die?
Spike: Sooner or later... you're gonna want it. And the second--the second that happens,
you know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the
lesson.
Spike: Did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good
swing. You know you want to.
Spike: Come on, I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance.
Buffy: Say it's true. Say I do want to... it wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be
you. You're beneath me.
Spike: Beneath me. I'll show her. Put her six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death
wish. Bitch won't need one.
Harmony: Okay, I'm trying to be supportive here, so don't drive a stake through my heart
like last time. But you can't kill Buffy. She's the Slayer. She is so gonna kick your ass.
Joyce: You know the nothing that I've been dealing with the last couple of weeks? It might
not be nothing.
Spike: Is there something I can do?
Shadow
Tara: "Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs." Catchy.
Anya: That's what I've been saying. I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a
slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!
Spike: Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us
dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region.
Xander: Our circles are going around in circles. We've got dizzy circles here, Giles.
Xander: Well hey, if it means I don't have to read any more, woo! And might I add a big
hoo!
Dawn: You know ... "my boyfriend's a vampire" crazy crazy. Every day was like
the end of the world. She doesn't get all worked up like that over you.
Listening to Fear
Joyce: Listen, you two, I know this creamed spinach is pretty delicious, but I promise I
won't be offended if you go out for some real food.
Buffy: You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.
Willow: Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part
where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy.
Willow: Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and,
well, Jewish.
Willow: This is an extra special gift for your mom that I know she'll need: a beer hat!
Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at
them, now has a book to teach her to... break things by looking at 'em?
Willow: You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to
make you feel all insignificant, but they made me feel like... like I was in space, part
of the stars.
Joyce: I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push buttons at the
crosswalk that are supposed to make the signal change.
Xander: Oh, yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second,
which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.
Riley: Believe me, something jumps out at me in the dark, you'll hear me even without the
phone.
Willow: I don't want to be the one that finds the bodies anymore.
Xander: Look at how teeny Mercury is, compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the
cars of the same name...
Giles: Demons enter our world in all sorts of different ways. This one came from above.
Xander: Meteor go boom, crazy guy go bye-bye.
Into the Woods
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will turn out badly.
Xander: How about a movie? They're showing 'em in theaters now. I hear it's like watching
a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor.
Dawn: That's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. The only reason I'm
sleeping over here is so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual I'm here to help you
and - are you naked under there?
Giles: And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization - I am a
purveyor of it.
Anya: Who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Spike: Girl needs some monster in her man, and it's not in your nature. No matter how low
you try to go.
Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And then sometimes I think I've got the
better deal. To be that close to her and not have her... To be all alone even when you're
holding her, feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you, the scent of -- no,
you've got the better deal.
Xander: I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw you get into this skirmish... I was
going to lend a hand - but you seemed to grow a few extra ones.
Xander: I need to say something to you. I should have said it a long time ago. I mean, you
may not even know... I love you, Anya, more every day. I love the way you see things. I
love the way you work a cash register and how beautiful you are - and how amazingly sweet
and crazy you can be at the same time...I can't imagine my days without you - and I
wouldn't want to.
Triangle
Anya: Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. Big flashing red lights and one
of those clocks that counts down like on a bomb in a movie. And there's this whole bunch
of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one
and then at the last second... no... the red one and click, it stops with three-tenths of
a second left. Then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Buffy: Don't talk about their books again. You get all... and sometimes there's drool.
Tara:: I'm envious, Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. Unless you're
English.
Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class
notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that
that's, you know, insane.
Willow: He's not a ball of sunshine.
Willow: Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind. But still.
Xander: They get in these fights and then they're both looking to me, like I'm the
referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow will get this look.
This "what the hell do you see in her" look.
Spike: Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you note. I mean,
look at all these lovely blood-covered people, I could... but not a taste for Spike. Not a
lick. Knew you wouldn't like it.
Willow: Hello, gay now!
Olaf: HA HA! YOU FIGHT WELL, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A TINY MAN!
Xander: No! You are one crazy troll! I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best
friend! That's insane troll-logic!
Willow: Anya, listen. I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.
Anya: Your menacing stance is merely mildly alarming and your roar is less than
full-throated!
Olaf: DESIST! MY GOD, WOMAN, IT'S BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU ARE YET AS AGGRAVATING AND
EMASCULATING AS EVER YOU WERE!
Anya: Yes. Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way 'cuz she's gay, and she won't break
us up so it's all okay.
Checkpoint
Buffy: They put me through that test, and it almost killed me. And then, when I was Faith,
they almost killed me again. Honestly, I really can't handle almost being killed right
now.
Giles: You all stand around and look somber. Good job.
Giles: You used to pay me. If you recall, firing me was not my idea.
Buffy: There was also near consensus about Columbus, you know, until someone asked the
Vikings what they were up to in the 1400s, and they're like, "discovering this
America-shaped continent."
Buffy: Giles, that Travers guy is like sixty. I can't hit him. Can I?
Anya: Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, twenty years old. Born on the fourth of July, and
don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were.
"Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore
smaller and shorter than I am now.
Willow: We're in love. We're ... lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.
Philip: So, you have no special skills, or powers, or knowledge that you bring to the mix.
Neither of you.
Buffy: Spike, I need an answer. Now. In or out? You're the only one strong enough to
protect them.
Joyce: I, I love what you've, um, neglected to do with the place.
Buffy: You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was
good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs,
your lives some semblance of meaning.
Buffy: The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the
unit.
Blood Ties
Anya: I can help with the research. I know way more about demon dimensions than Giles.
Well I do.
Buffy: You always think harder is better. Maybe next time I patrol, I should carry bricks
and use a stake made out of butter.
Buffy: Dawn, Glory is powerful, evil and is no way prettier than me.
Buffy: You are very, very wise. Now gimmie gimmie gimmie!
Xander: Me? Me not weird.
Spike: Wasn't lurking - I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe.
Spike: Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye, all warm and safe where nothing can
eat you?
Spike: She probably would have skipped off anyway, even if she never found out. She's not
just a blob of energy - she's also a fourteen-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing
her up more right now? Spin the bloody wheel. You'll find her, just in the nick of time.
That's what you hero types do. You'll find her.
Buffy: He's! Not! My! BOYFRIEND!
Crush
Xander: Hey, uh, Evil Dead, you're in my seat.
Xander: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. You know, that's, uh,
that's actually some pretty good advice.
Buffy: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is, it is dangerous, and ...
icky.
Buffy: He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on something that is ... dead, and,
and evil, and a vampire.
Dawn: Oh, come on. You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike is completely in love with you.
Buffy: She was hanging out with Spike. I think she has a crush on him.
Spike: A d- Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean - Do you want it to
be?
Drusilla: A happy memory, pretty Spike. Look who's come to make everything right again.
Buffy: Well, I...I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base.
Willow: If you want, Buffy, I can go with. Back you up with some scowling.
Spike: No, look at me! I...love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're
in my gut...my throat.. I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you.
Drusilla: We can love quite well. If not wisely.
Buffy: Spike....The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
Drusilla: That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson.
Spike: No, it's not that easy. We have something, Buffy. It's not pretty, but it's real,
and there's nothing either one of us can do about it.
I Was Made to Love You
Xander: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.
Xander: Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in
love with you.
Xander: This is the day you choose to hug me?
Buffy: Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I am not qualified to give dating advice. I've
had exactly two boyfriends, and they both left. Really left. Left town left.
Tara: I go online sometimes, but...everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's...
depressing.
Anya: Yes. I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.
Anya: I'll show you. You can also see the website I designed for the magic shop. Huge
photo of me.
Anya: She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.
Anya: Xander got hypnotized by the strange girl. I am remaining calm, however.
Spike: Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to
leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.
Buffy: Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who
aren't me.
Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
Xander: Beautiful girl with ... no other thought but to please you ... willing to do
anything...Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but...he'd
get it.
Dawn: A robot? Really? Was it Ted? 'Cause I always said there could have been more than
one of him.
Giles: We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy.
Clear out of here. And Spike, this thing ... get over it.
Buffy: She growls? You made her so she growls?
The Body
Xander: How're you doing there, Will? Are you in the barf club?
Tara: Oh, baby, do you want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... stop explaining
things.
Anya: No, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Anya: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens, how we go through
this, I mean I knew her and then she's, there's just a body, I don't understand why she
just can't get back in it and not be dead, it's stupid, it's mortal and stupid, Xander's
crying and not talking and I was having fruit punch and I thought that Joyce would never
have any more fruit punch and she'd never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever
and no one will explain...
Willow: Xander...Where'd your hand go?
Anya: I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice and now we all hurt.
Forever
Spike: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand.
Spike: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. Didn't put on airs.
Always had a nice cuppa for me... And she never treated me like a freak.
Anya: Well, I just feel like I understand sex more. It isn't just about two bodies
smooshing together. It's about life.
Anya: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you. But I could, we
could. Life could come out of love and our smooshing and that's beautiful... It all makes
me feel like we're part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow, you know?
Buffy: How's forever? Is forever good for you?
Anya: Don't you watch television? I - thought all children despise effort and enjoy
cartoons.
Anya: Ring sales - with the money? She gets to fondle the money?
Spike: Then don't go guessing at stuff you don't understand. And Buffy never hears about
this, okay? She found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest.
Spike: Don't like to see Summers women take it so hard on the chin, is all.
Spike: Well, look at that - bitty Buffy.
Buffy: Well, who's going to be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you thought about that? Who's
going to make things better? Who's going to take care of us?
Intervention
Buffy: Hey, Dawn? If there's any dishes in your room, let's have 'em before they get furry
and we have to name them.
Giles: Go. Quest.
Buffybot: I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and
muscular body.
Buffybot: Xander! And... Anya! How's your money?
Anya: In the movies, when someone goes crazy, they slap 'em.
Buffybot: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could
make sketches.
Buffybot: Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.
Spike: Damn right I'm impure, I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow! Let me go!
Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and
sort of compact but well-muscled-
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think you are.
Buffybot: Say, look at you! You look like me! We're very pretty.
Buffy: No! Stop imagining! All of you!
Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. Killing him is the only way. We're the Slayer and
that's what we do. But you should see him naked.
Dawn: We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.
Buffy: Xander, please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.
Spike: Buffy - the other... the not-as-pleasant Buffy. Something happened to Dawn it'd
destroy her. I couldn't live, her being in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first.
Nearly bloody did.
Buffy: What you did for me, and Dawn, that was real. And I'll never forget it.
Tough Love
Anya: That's right, foreigner.
Xander: And that's cool too. Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me
as...as your... You know, I'm searching for 'supportive things' and I'm coming up all
bras. So. Something slightly more manly preferably, think of me as that. Seriously,
whatever you need.
Buffy: I try. My foot's not used to being put down. I want you to do it. Can't you be the
foot-putting-downer?
Willow: I know it is. And I'm a big fan of school. You know me, I'm all: 'Go school, it's
your birthday'! Or something to that effect.
Tara: Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off class if your head was on fire.
Tara: No, please, if I... I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll
say it again, probably often and in public.
Willow: Well I took Psyche 101 -- I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who
was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation right before the final -- but I know what a
Freudian slip is.
Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
Spike: Well, I'm not good and I'm okay.
Glory: Did anybody order an apocalypse?
Spike: So, you're saying a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning to go out
and spill herself a few pints of God blood until you...explained?
Spike: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.
Dawn: Yeah, like eggplant is normal. It's what - half-egg, half-plant? 'Cause that's just
unnatural.
Spiral
Anya: We should drop a piano on her. It always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when
he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment.
Anya: Shouldn't somebody be asking if we're there yet? That's what small irritating
children do, don't they?
Anya: He doesn't travel well. He's like fine shrimp.
Spike: Yeah, no biggie. Look, skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play
peek-a-boo with Mr. Sunshine all you want. Keep the ride from getting boring.
Dawn: You're not fleeing. You're... moving at a brisk pace.
Willow: Don't hurt the horsies!
Xander: We got company -- and they brought a Crusade!
The Weight of the World
Spike: We've got to do something! I can't just sit here watching. You waste time with kid
gloves. I'm willing to gamble when all's said and done - Buffy likes it rough.
Willow: Buffy's out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon she's gonna use Dawn to tear down
the barrier between every dimension there is so if you two want to fight, you do it after
the world ends. 'kay? Alright. First, we head back to Sunnydale. Xander'll take Giles to a
hospital. Anya's looking after Tara, and Spike: - you find Glory. Check her apartment,
first, see if she's still there. Try anything stupid like payback and I will get very
cranky. Everyone clear? Or do we have questions?
Spike: Uh, Will? Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but -
Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?
Giles: Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there could be any kind of link between Ben and
Glory?
Willow: Hey. I know you. You're that first original Slayer who tried killing us all in our
dreams. How've you been?
Willow: No. And I think we already deja'd this vu.
The Gift
Spike: 'Cause it's always gotta be blood.
Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going,
makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.
Willow: We'll solve this. We will. Don't have another coma, okay?
Spike: When you say you love us all-
Dawn: And I wish you'd fall on your head and drown in your own barf, so I guess we're both
having frowny days.
Buffy: How many apocalypses is this for us?
Buffy: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much... but I knew. What was
right. I don't have that any more. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this
world, if these are the choices, if everything's just stripped away then I don't see the
point.
Anya: No, you see, usually, when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so
much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god
and worry terribly that something might happen to you, and also worry that something'll
happen to me and then I have guilt that I'm not more worried bout everyone else but I just
don't have enough, I'm just on total overload and I honestly don't think anything could
make me more nervous than I am right now.
Anya: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die! And, and, you think it's romantic and
sexy and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it, cause the world's gonna
end!
Willow: I'm your - I never was a gun... someone else should be the gun, I could maybe be a
cudgel, or pointy stick...
Spike: I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a
man, and that's...
Buffy: You don't seem very well. Do you need to lie down and have a tonic?
Buffy: I notice that you're talking, whereas in your position I would attack me.
Glory: Wow... the Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?
Buffy: Glory...You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?
Spike: Doesn't a fellow stay dead when you kill 'im?
Doc: I don't smell a soul anywhere on you... why do you even care?
Spike: I made a promise to a lady.
Giles: No she couldn't. Never. And sooner or later, Glory will re-emerge and make Buffy
pay for that mercy, and the world with her. Buffy even knows that, and still she wouldn't
take a human life. Because she's a hero, you see. She's not like us.
Buffy: Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But this is the work I
have to do. Tell Giles I... I figured it out. And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends.
You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be
strong. Dawn. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.
BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS
1981-2001
BELOVED SISTER, DEVOTED FRIEND
SHE SAVED THE WORLD
A LOT
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Go to quotes Season 1
Go to quotes Season 2
Go to quotes Season 3
Go to quotes Season 4
Go to quotes Season 5
Go to quotes Season 6
Go to quotes Season 7
Go back to Home
Updated October 2003.
Author: Millan
"I don't need a life, I have Buffy!"