Buffy: I like books... I just don't want to take on too much. Do they have an introduction to the modern blurb?
Buffy: Sorry, Miss I-chose-my-major-in-play-group.
Willow: I've heard about five different issues, and I'm angry about each and every one of them.
Willow: It's just, in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence... It's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and, and spurt knowledge into... That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
Willow: Oh, boyfriend! It's my on-campus boyfriend.
Buffy: Oh, no, I forgot to pick mine up. The line's probably really long now, too.
Oz: My band's played here a lot. It's still all new. I don't know what the hell's going on. Hey Doug!
Willow: Well, he [Giles] says he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure.
Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?
Willow: Uhuh. He's a slacker now.
Willow: [Re Xander] He said he wasn't coming back until he'd driven to all fifty states.
Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii?
Willow: Well, he seemed so determined.
Buffy: I can't wait till Mom gets the bill for these books. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.
Buffy: You know, this store discriminates against short people.
Riley: It's nice to meet you both.
Buffy: I'm nice to meet.
Buffy: I'm so... the books were just too high, and then everything was bad.
Riley: So, are you girls taking Intro Psych, or do you just want me dead?
Riley: I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion.
Buffy: I'm a little upset. I had it on good authority that this was a party school.
Vampire: Does this sweater make me look fat?
Sunday: No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look... purple.
Sunday: I gotta get me some better lackeys, I swear. You guys are useless.
Buffy: God, I was worried that something had happened to you and of course it has because you're a vampire.
Buffy: How am I supposed to hunt in this mob? Don't you people have homes?
Guy Vamp: Uh, are we gonna fight, or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally?
Buffy: Is America nice? I hear it's nice.
Xander: Okay, once more, with even less feeling.
Xander: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. No, wait, hold on. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side. Hold on, no... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... Okay, can we forget that?
Xander: When it's dark, and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero. Okay, sometimes when it's dark, and I'm all alone, I'd think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
Xander: And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband.
Buffy: Oh! That's my skirt! You're never gonna fit in it with those hips. We have to kill them.
Sunday: Say, don't I know you from... beating the crap out of you?
Willow: Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then. There's no circumstances.
Willow: How can you be so calm?
Oz: Long arduous hours of practice.
Xander: Well, some friends of Buffy played a funny joke and they took her stuff and now she wants us to help her get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans.
Buffy: When you look back at this - in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust - I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff.
Buffy: Let me answer that question with a head-butt.
Giles: The evil is this way?
Buffy: I'm looking for something lurky here, Will.
Buffy: Wish me monsters.
Buffy: Alright, why don't you quit hiding and face me like a... thing.
Buffy: Um, he had a cloak on, glowy green eyes, and his skin had that, like, that super bad fake rub-on-tan.
Giles: Translation?
Buffy: Um, orangey?
Giles: You took your roommate patrolling with you?
Buffy: Well, I invited the whole dorm, but she was the only one who could make it.
Buffy: Okay, you're not having one of those mid-life things are you? Cause I'm still goin' "ish" from the last time you tried to recapture your youth.
Xander: That's because he got hit by the Buffenator. Now he's powerless.
Willow: He's our grown-up friend. Oh... not in a creepy way.
Kathy: Hmm. Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Buffy: And guess what? You were next to it!
Buffy: You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.
Buffy: Not when you're minoring in Napping 101.
Willow: Ok, so that was the evil twin, right? Cuz she was bordering on Cordelia-esque.
Oz: Well, I'm not saying weäll braid each other's hair. Probably, but, you know, I can hang with her, watch for signs she's going over the edge.
Oz: No one deserves a mime, Buffy.
Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench... which was lookin' shifty.
Buffy: Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter. It's simple. I'm gonna have to kill her.
Willow: Giles. I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little crazy. No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, kay?
Xander: Oh, why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor.
Willow: So Buffy was right all along. Later on, big remorse.
Willow: You know, when you spend all week with a boy, you're allowed to look at him directly.
Buffy: We hung out moderately incessantly.
Willow: Buffy's looking at Parker, who, it turns out, has a reflection, so big plus there.
Harmony: Big snake huh?
Buffy: Bad, bad Buffy.
Parker: What's that?
Buffy: What's what?
Parker: You have a scar.
Buffy: Right, um... Angry puppy.
Parker: I'm not doing the deep "get sympathy" routine. I mean, don't you just hate guys who are all, "I'm dark and brooding, so give me love."
Buffy: I don't think I've ever met that type.
Buffy: I sort of drowned a couple of years ago. But I came back. Obviously.
Xander: I'm not enjoying this.
Giles: Well, shelve them correctly and we can finish.
Xander: I don't get your crazy system.
Giles: My system? It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Anya? The last time I saw you, you were fleeing in terror. How'd that work out for you?
Xander: And there's the whole you used to be a man-killing demon thing. Which, to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours.
Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.
Buffy: This is it. My door. Wood. Maybe some kind of wood veneer.
Oz: Yeah, we came to warn you about the... angry puppy.
Willow: Band-aid, now. Thank you.
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Oh. Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. Wait, on second thought, yeah, go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
Buffy: Harmony's a vampire? She must be dying without a reflection.
Oz: Devon dated her for a while, but she was too flaky for him, which, stop and marvel at the concept.
Buffy: Guy dating Harmony dead. Must be, like, the most tolerant guy in the world.
Spike: Harm, does this look like a good time to talk?
Spike: I like him. He's got... um, what's the word? Vulnerability.
Harmony: Hey, I don't have a pulse. Cool! Can we eat a doctor so I can get a stethoscope and hear my heart not beating?
Spike: We've got an extra set of chains.
Spike: Bite your tongue.
Anya: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face-to-face for the event itself.
Anya: I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and
not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander: And the amazing thing is... still more romantic than Faith.
Buffy: He's not supposed to drink, and I saw him here, you know, in the land of the beer.
Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.
Buffy: You know what? I'm an adult and it's none of your business where I was.
Willow: Well, and? Details! I mean, not details, I don't need a diagram. But, you know, like maybe a blurry watercolor.
Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass.
Oz: Okay, either I'm borrowing all your albums, or I'm moving in.
Xander: Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us.
Spike: Isn't it a fantastic day? Birds singin', squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels, sun beamin' down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. Can't wait to see if I freckle.
Spike: The gem of Amarra. Official sponsor of my killing you.
Spike: So, you let Parker take a pike, eh? Didn't seem like you knew each other that well. What exactly did it take to pry apart the Slayer's dimpled knees?
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Spike: Whatever. Guess you're not worth a second go -- come to think of it, seems like someone told me as
much... who was that... oh yeah. Angel.
Harmony: Being a vampire sucks.
Buffy: So, what I'm wondering is, does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?
Buffy: Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd tell me, right?
Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.
Willow: I think you're missing something about the whole poophead principle.
Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.
Xander: [On Buffy's departure] Now? The night's still... Well, okay, it's a little mature, but still.
Oz: Maybe it's because of all the horrific things we've seen, but hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to.
Xander: Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else want to smack that guy?
Buffy: This is an encouragement talk? I thought it was "share my pain"
Buffy: I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'm taking a holiday from dealing. Happily vacationing in the land of not-coping.
Buffy: Willow, I don't want to meet someone. I've reached my quota on someones.
Giles: It's a sombrero.
Frat Guy: If we cannot scare the young women, they will not fall into our arms. We'll have womanless arms. Halloween's not about thrills, chills, and funny costumes. It's about getting laid.
Xander: That's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say, and accept them at face value.
Oz: Mi Casio es su Casio.
Xander: Sensing a disturbance in the force, Master?
Joyce: I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm still a little gun-shy. It certainly didn't help that my last boyfriend turned out to be a homicidal robot.
Willow: We have to make sure she has fun. We have to force fun upon her. Yeah, and if Parker shows up, we'll just axe-murder him. That's Halloweenie.
Buffy: Perfect. Everybody's got a date but third-wheel Buffy.
Buffy: Let's just get to the party part of the... party.
Xander: Ahhh! I wasn't scared. I was in the spirit.
Oz: Cowering in a closet is starting to seem like a reasonable plan.
Xander: I'd offer my opinion, but you jerks aren't going to hear it anyway. Not that didn't-go-to-college boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out with my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care.
Xander: Giles? Hey, everyone, it's Giles. With a chainsaw.
Buffy: This is much better. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
Anya: Bunnies frighten me.
Xander: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Giles. No, it's just... tacky.
Buffy: If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent it wouldn't really be like I killed him, really.
Willow: [Re Xander's fake ID] I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: Looking at it.
Xander: Au contraire, mom frère.
Buffy: Mon frère means brother.
Xander: Mon girl-frère.
Willow: Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross.
Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of... badness.
Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again.
Buffy: No, with four really smart guys.
Willow: Four? Oh... ow. Oh, Buffy, are you OK? Do you want to talk about it?
Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came... beer.
Willow: And then the group sex?
Buffy Pfft... Gutterface. No! Just lots and lost of beer.
Willow: [Re Parker] He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today, we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.
Buffy: Foamy.
Buffy: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
Xander: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying?
Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
Giles: You knew it was beer.
Xander: Well, excuse me Mr. I-Spent-the-60s-in-an-electric-kool-aid-funky-satan-groove.
Giles: It was the early seventies and you should know better.
Buffy: Parker bad.
Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly only to me. You're unbelievable!
Buffy: Buffy want beer.
Xander: Giles, don't make caveslayer unhappy.
Buffy: Fire bad.
Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? Huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy!
Xander: Good. Just as long as that's clear.
Willow: 'Cause The Bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blanky.
Oz: I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blanky.
Wilow: Ahh, you're my person blanky. This is my place blanky.
Giles: [Appearing for a social visit at The Bronze] Hello.
Buffy: Giles, trouble?
Buffy: I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying.
Spike: 'Cause the big bad is back.
Xander: Isn't home that empty place you're trying to escape?
Buffy: Color me bored.
Willow: You did better than me. This is so unfair! Oh! You made me jealous of you academically!
Buffy: She wants me to lead a discussion group next class. That means more work, right? Shouldn't she have a better reward system, you know, like a cookie, or a toy surprise like at the dentist?
Willow: How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
Buffy: I thought that was the point.
Willow: I flog and punish.
Willow: I need a translator from the "Y" side of things.
Xander: Well, last time I checked, I had the creds.
Willow: What if the girl wants to, and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?
Xander: Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the 7 annual minutes he is legitimately too preoccupied to... do it.
Buffy: Oz? Oz, are you okay? If it's possible, you seem more monosyllabic than usual.
Oz: Look, Buffy, you should know that, that...
Buffy: Oz, now might be a good time for your trademark stoicism.
Buffy: Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words.
Oz. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you, or anybody.
Willow: Well, that could be a problem cause people: kind of a planetary epidemic.
Willow: Oz, don't you love me?
Oz: My whole life, I've never loved anything else.
Forrest: How are you going to learn anything if you keep doing schoolwork?
Riley: There's definitely something off about her.
Graham: Maybe she's Canadian.
Xander: The latest in fall fascism.
Xander: Well, how 'bout this. We whip out the ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient, unstoppable evil...mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. We show up and kick it's ass.
Giles: [Pauses to contemplate] A wee bit unethical.
Xander: How's Will doing...
Buffy: With the black hole of despair she's been living in since Oz left? She's dealing. I'm helping. It's hard. Ergo party.
Buffy: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something slutty to wear tonight.
Spike: And 'they' are? The government? The Nazis? A major cosmetics company?
Spike: I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.
Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job.
Walsh: [To Riley] I like her.
Riley: Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?
Spike: Sorry, can't stay. Got to go see a girl.
Riley: Gee, I hope I'm not interrupting anything really depressing.
Willow: Okay, say that I help. And you start a conversation, it goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper. One day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops. And it feels like the whole world's made for you two, and you two alone. Until the day, one of you leaves and rips the still beating heart from the other, who is now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.
Willow: I've seen honest faces before. They usually came attached to liars.
Spike: Never, my little... foam latté. Your blondie bear is here to stay.
Spike: Forever and ever... mon petit crême brulé.
Spike: And after that, it's all you and me, my little.... mentholated pack of smokes.
Harmony: Spikey, lets leave the Slayer alone. You know she'll only slap you around. And I can do that.
Willow: And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.
Riley: You don't understand, I'm good at things. That's what I do. I warok hard, apply myself, get it done.
Willow: Well, you failed extremely well.
Forrest: You know, I hate to say it but they're probably on their way to make crazy naked sex.
Riley: The problem is, what kind of girl is going to go out with a guy who's acting all Joe Regular by day, and then turns all demon-hunter by night?
Graham: Maybe a peculiar one?
Buffy: Who died and made you John Wayne?
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again. [Attempts to bite her, but can't] Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me, it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around.
Spike: Piffle.
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always, "ooh, you're like a sister to me" or "ooh, you're such a good friend."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
Willow: When?
Spike: Remember last year? You had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath.
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the bloodlust kinda cool.
Spike: Hmmm, I hate being obvious, all fangy and grrr. Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could, yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me! I'm only a hundred and twenty-six!
Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? [Thinks about it] ...Or... [Hits him on the head with a lamp]
Buffy: You're a little peculiar.
Anya: I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: Not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event you kill and eat an animal. A ritual sacrifice... with pie.
Buffy: And they say one person can't make a difference.
Buffy: Oh. Very manly. Not at all Village People.
Anya: Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again.
Buffy: Imaginary Xander's quite the machine.
Anya: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon. You look like you're getting all of them.
Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
Anya: I'm a girlfriend.
Xander: Um... There's a chance I'm delirious.
Anya: We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off.
Giles: Now, this is in no way an elaborate scheme to stick me with the cleanup?
Willow: The coroner's office said she was missing an ear, so I'm thinking maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.
Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you got there, Will.
Spike: Can I have someone to eat?
Willow: [Finding an excuse to leave Buffy and Riley alone] Look, they're selling coffee in the coffee shop. Yum!
Willow: [Muffled, as Angel holds his hand over her mouth] Evil! You're all evil again!
Willow: Hey, is Cordelia really working for you? I mean, cause that's gotta be a...special experience. Of all the people you coulda hired...
Giles: Oh! Right, yes, yes. Um, always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials'.
Buffy: I like my evil like I like my men. Evil! You know, straight up black-hat-tie-you-to-the-train-tracks-soon-my-electro-ray-will-destroy- Metropolis bad!
Willow: They were fluffy indigenous kittens until we came along.
Giles: No, I think perhaps we won't help the angry spirit with his rape and pillage and murder.
Willow: Angel? I saw him too.
Giles: That's not terribly stealthy of him.
Willow: I think he's lost his edge.
Giles: That's why I think we should all keep a level head at this.
Willow: And I happen to think that mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.
Xander: Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?
Spike: What part of 'help me' do you not understand?
Buffy: The part where I help you.
Xander: To slaying him? Well, the representative from syphilis votes yay.
Willow: It's true. He had trouble performing.
Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.
Spike: I came to you in friendship - well, alright - seething hatred but I've got useful information and I feel I'm being mistreated.
Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians! You won! Alright? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did and he's not going around saying "I came, I conquered, I feel really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends - you had better weapons and you massacred them. End of story.
Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here, take your bloody pick.
Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute and I think I can eat someone if they're already dead.
Anya: So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?
Angel: I'm not evil again. Why does everybody think that?
Willow: Angel's here to protect Buffy.
Angel: I haven't been evil for a long time!
Anya: [Admiring Angel] What's he like when he is evil?
Spike: Oh, lay off. You all had a fine meal. But me? An entire siege - you'd think one of you'd bleed a little.
Riley: Oh. So, was that a conversation we actually had? Or one I was just practicing?
Buffy: He's...have you seen his arms? Those are...good arms to have.
Buffy: Seeing Angel in LA - even for five minutes - hello to the pain.
Spike: I'm done. Put the telly on.
Spike: I'm trying to remember. It was very traumatic.
Giles: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're impotent or-
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy!
Buffy: Giles, help! He's gonna scold me!
Buffy: Look at my poor neck. All bare and tender and exposed. All that blood just pumping away.
Spike: Giles, make her stop!
Giles: [To Willow] If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
Willow: 'Cause you had your hands full with the Undead English Patient?
Spike: What, are you people blind? She's hanging on by a thread. Any ninny could see that.
Willow: I feel like I've been split down the center and half of me is lost.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
Willow: I know I've been sort of a party poop lately. So I said to myself, "Self," I said, "It's time to shake and shimmy it off."
Xander: Will, not loving the drowning of the sorrows.
Willow: Not drowning, wading. [Shows the beer bottle] See? Lite.
Spiek: Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll...
Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?
Buffy: It's just so sudden, I don't know what to say.
Spike: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
Buffy: Oh, Spike! Of course it's yes!
Giles: Are you helping me?
Spike: Well, it's almost like you're my father-in-law, isn't it?
Riley: What's his name?
Buffy: Who?
Riley: The groom?
Buffy: Spike.
Riley: That's a name?!
Buffy: Don't be mad.
Riley: I'm not mad!
Buffy: No, you are mad!
Riley: No, I am. I... I really... Wow. Who is this guy? Does he go here?
Buffy: Spike? Oh, no, he's totally old!
Riley: Old?
Buffy: Well, not as old as my last boyfriend was.
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the Big Pile of Dust.
Giles: Stop that right now! I can hear the smacking.
Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be 'William the Bloody' or just 'Spike', because either way it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Whereas the name 'Buffy' gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with 'Buffy'?
Giles: Ah, such a good question.
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
Buffy: [Re Willow's spell] I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah, right, you're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Buffy: Xander!
Spike: That's it, you're off the usher list.
Buffy: Spike, these are my friends. Besides, it's kind of my job.
Spike: For now.
Buffy: What, you want me to stop working?
Spike: Let's see. Do I want you to give up killing my friends? Yeah, I've given it some thought.
Willow: I'm sorry. I'll try for a quiet rage.
Buffy: Spike lips! Lips of Spike! Ugh.
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Little Girl: Can't even shout, can't even cry,
the Gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows, knocking on doors,
they need to take 7 and they might take yours.
Can't call to mom, can't say a word,
you're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard.
Buffy: Just tell me I didn't snore.
Willow: Very discrete. Minimal drooling.
Riley: As a psyche major, I'm qualified to go "hmmm."
Anya: You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay...remember how we talked about private conversations, how they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appaling thing you could've said.
Willow: Talk. All talk. 'Blah, blah, Gaia. Blah, blah, moon. Menstrual life-force power thingy'.
Buffy: No actual witches in your witch group?
Willow: No. Bunch of wanna blessed be's. Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones.
Willow: Well, get with it! I need my vicarious smoochies.
Forrest: We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet, we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene never to use our unfair advantage... Thank God we're pretty.
Olivia: All the time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like, I just thought you were being pretentious.
Giles. Oh, I was. I was also right.
Olivia: So everything you told me was true?
Giles: Well, no, um I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Flyod, but... but the monster stuff, yes.
Riley: What are you?
Buffy: Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?
Buffy: I'm the Slayer. [Riley looks at her blankly] Slay-er. Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries. [No reaction] You're kidding me! Ask around. Look it up. Slayer, comma, The.
Buffy: You're not looking hard enough.
Riley: Sorry I'm so excited. It's my first earthquake.
Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.
Willow: So, naturally they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how. 'Aftershock Party'.
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the 'Somebody-Sneezed party' and the 'Day that Ends in Y Party'.
Willow: They do seem to be pretty generous with their milestones.
Buffy: Oh, I so have a reason. A darned good reason. The last time we had an earthquake, I died.
Buffy: What if the earthquake was a sign? A bad omen and we just ignore it. There's gonna be a lot of red faces when the world comes to an end.
Xander: I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you're not the big bad anymore. You're not even the kinda naughty.
Riley: Buffy. She's pretty cool, huh?
Forrest: Yes, already! She's cool, she's hot, she's tepid. She's all-temperature Buffy. Now can we concentrate on the game here?
Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow and Xander: Again?!
Buffy: [Re the earthquake] I told you. I said 'End of the World', and you were like, pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh.
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Buffy: Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun.
Xander: I second that revulsion.
Spike: Goodbye Dru. See you in Hell.
Xander: [Finding Spike trying to stake himself] We've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Willow: Xander!
Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help...
Willow: It's ooky. We know him. We can't just let him poof himself.
Buffy: Fun? The last person I knew that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job.
Spike: Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're just her groupies.
Giles: Oh, as usual, dear.
Xander: [To a demon pummelling him] You're picking on the wrong guy, dude! I had a lot of practice with my lunch money!
Riley: Do I know you?
Spike: Me? No. No sir. I'm just an old pal of Xander's here.
Spike: What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. Not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come on, vampires. Grrr! Nasty. Lets annihilate them, for justice and for the safety of puppies... and Christmas, right. Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!
Anya: I'm bored. Let's eat.
Xander: Anya, we talked about this.
Anya: [To Giles] I'm sorry, that was rude. Please continue your story. Hopefully it involves a treacle and a headmaster.
Giles: Go eat.
Buffy: Giles was the librarian at my high school
Riley: Ah, I've seen the library. It's gone downhill since you left.
Buffy: Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while.
Giles: Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party.
Buffy: Oh no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Someplace, you know, dark and dank -- but not as dark and dank as this.
Xander: [Spike takes his radio while packing] That's my radio!
Spike: An you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!
Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies we don't give them my lamp.
Walsh: It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry, and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
Buffy: Oh, it's more effective than it sounds.
Walsh: I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed or captured... How many is it?
Riley: Seventeen. Eleven vampires, six demons.
Buffy: [Trying to sound impressed] Oh. Wow. I mean that's... seventeen.
Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.
Giles: Once you get to know her, she's a very unique girl. I hope you're not going to push her...
Walsh: I think I do know her. And I have found her to be a unique woman.
Giles: Woman. Of course. How wrong of me to choose my own words.
Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's... one of the commandos.
Giles: What?! Well, that's marvellous, isn't it? Here I am, spent weeks trying to get a scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors and no one bothers to tell me that Buffy's dating one of them?!
Ethan: Brilliant! Now isn't this more fun than kicking my ass?
Giles: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her nancy ninja boys come in; six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.
Giles: What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be--oh, right... the things I can kill.
Giles: You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being killed.
Spike: And I'm supposed to just help you out of the evilness of my heart?
Willow: It stole Giles' car!
Xander: Why would a demon steal a car?
Anya: Why would a demon steal that car?
Spike: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.
Spike: Two of them. English like me, but older, less attractive.
Riley: Buffy, I can't take you with me.
Buffy: You're not taking me with you. I am going and I am letting you come along.
Spike: How ya feeling, mate?
Giles: Like snapping necks until everyone's dead.
Spike: Now that's a Fyarl demon. Good for you.
Ethan: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay and gloat--gets me every time.
Giles: How did you know it was me?
Buffy: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.
Giles: If you don't mind, I'm just going to go and watch them manhandle him into a vehicle.
Riley: [Re Buffy] She has the truest soul I've ever known.
Walsh: Oh, no. Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord spare me college boys in love.
Willow: I implore you, Neisa, blessed goddess of chance and fortune, heed my call. Send to me the heart I desire.
Xander: You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating.
Willow: That wasn't magic. I was praying. Two please.
Willow: [Joking] Whatcha got in the boxes, drugs? [Serious] It's not drugs, is it, Xander?
Willow: Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad after tastelessness.
Willow: [Re Buffy] Guess she's out with Riley. You know what it's like with a spanking new boyfriend.
Anya: [Re Xander] Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
Buffy: I was just lucky.
Walsh: I see, well, still very impressive.
Buffy: [To Riley] I was just being modest with the whole lucky thing. You got that right?
Buffy: ... A Twinkie! That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.
Willow: Everyone's getting spanked but me.
Willow: Wow, I've been trying to find a dolls-eye crystal my entire life. Well, since June, anyway.
Xander: Let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money, take Anya nice places, buy pretty things.
Willow: Irony's kind of ironic that way.
Buffy: Questions. An Initiative faux pas, yes?
Riley: It's a little unusual. She's just not used to it. Maybe 'cause you barely ever opened your mouth in her classroom.
Xander: Spike. You may want to give up those morning jogs.
Spike: Because, you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody-freaking cavalry.
Buffy: Professor Walsh? That simple little recon you sent me on - wasn't a raccoon. Turns out it was me, trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.
Spike: Gotta hand it to ya, Goldilocks. You do have bleeding tragic taste in men.
Xander: Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander: Oh, thank God.
Riley: That's hostile seventeen.
Spike: [In bad American accent] No, I'm just a friend of Xander's... Bugger it, I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's um... it's a really long story. But he's not bad anymore!
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad! It's just... I can't bite anymore, thanks to you wankers.
Willow: Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning!
Giles: [Having slept on Xander's inflatable chari] Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
Anya: Every time you moved it mad squeaky noises. It was irritating.
Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
Buffy: Ok you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.
Anya: After everything you've been through with Angel. You know you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander.
Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies going 'tra la la'.
Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average.
Anya: So dump him. But you can't have Xander!
Buffy: ...That probably would have sounded more convincing if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
Willy: Hey! We got new rules here: no killing.
Buffy: I'm gonna have to punch you, aren't I?
Willy. Just once. And it don't have to hurt, just make it look good. [Buffy pulls back her hand] Oh! Ow!
Buffy: Not yet. I haven't touched you!
Buffy: Giles, Anya, you keep researching. Xander, you and I are going undercover.
Anya: Hey! Remember before? No Xander. Not in a boyfriend way or lead-him-to-certain-death way.
Anya: It's not like he was in The 'Nam. He was G.I. Joe for one night!
Xander: [Seeing the Initiative elevator] Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of a man-sized microwave?
Xander: [Seeing the bit Initiative caves]Holy moly!
Buffy: I know.
Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?
Buffy: He's the Terminator without the bashful charm.
Forrest: The shish kabob that walks like a man. Looks like you're feeling better, walking around and threatening people and all that.
Xander: Question: will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?
Xander: That's great, Riley, and, you know, there's no polite way to ask you this, but, uh... did they put a chip in your brain?
Buffy: Oh, God, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?
Riley: No, a giant skewer through the rib cage hurt me. That was just a reminder.
Willow: Tell you what - you two crazy kids take down an unstoppable killer cyber-demon hybrid thingy, and we'll call it all even.
Riley: I just suck at the whole gray-area thing.
Buffy: I am looking for brain-washy chips in your head.
Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a worst-timing-ever award.
Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.
Willow: [Regarding Faith] Oh, I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her.
Xander: Been there, tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall.
Willow: Yeah, too bad. That was the funnest coma ever.
Willow: What did you tell him?
Buffy: The truth. That she's my wacky identical cousin from England, and whenever she visits, hijinks ensues.
Willow: It's good you guys have such an honest relationship.
Buffy: I couldn't find her. Don't know exactly where to place that on the luck continuum.
Faith: I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?
Buffy: Faith, these are innocent people.
Faith: No such animal.
Faith: What'd you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, Blondie.
Faith: I wake up to find this blond chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel.
Faith: Payback's a bitch.
Willow: Thanks for coming with. Hunting for a psychopathic super-bitch is definitely in the above-and-beyond category.
Willow: Well, technically, Faith isn't a monster. And as far as fighting, I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch... as she kills you. Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all?
Spike: And here I thought the evening would be dull.
Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already.
Wilkins: But on the other hand, heck, maybe we won. And right now, I'm on some jumbo monitor in the Richard Wilkins Museum, surrounded by a bunch of kids sitting Indian-style and looking up at my face, filled with fear and wonder. Hi, kids!
Wilkins: Don't worry, it's not gonna bite. That's my job.
Wilkins: Here's the good news - just because it's over for my Faith, doesn't mean she can't go out with a bang.
Joyce: Were you planning to slit my throat any time soon?
Buffy: You're not his type. He's not big on sleaze.
Joyce: But maybe, we could spend some time together soon? Some night when I'm not being held hostage by a raving psychotic.
Cop: She's coming to. Man, I want this kid's constitution.
Faith-in-Buffy: Faith is evil.
Willow: I hope they throw the book at her.
Giles: I'm not sure there is a book for this.
Willow: They could throw other things.
Willow: I wish those Council guys would let me have an hour alone in the room with her... if I was larger and had grenades.
Anya: We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.
Faith-in-Buffy: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.
Anya: Hey!
Xander: I believe that's my 'hey'. Hey!
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith-in-Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Faith-in-Buffy: 'Cause I can do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.
Willow: The Bronze is the coolest place in Sunnydale. Of course, there's not a lot of competition. I think the vending machine at Burgin's came in second.
Tara: [Re Faith-in-Buffy] She's not your friend.
Willow: I may have overestimated the 'you-liking-her' factor.
Willow: You didn't sense a hyena energy at all, did you? 'Cause hyena possession is just... unpleasant.
Riley: Door's open.
Faith-in-Buffy: So?
Riley: So, my fantasies don't tend to include a bunch of Marines staring in at me.
Faith-in-Buffy: Oh, maybe they could learn something.
Giles: Look, I know what you are going to say, and...
Buffy-in-Faith: I'm Buffy.
Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.
Giles: Um, if you are Buffy, then you'll let me tie you up... without killing me... until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
Buffy-in-Faith: Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
Giles: Who's President?
Buffy-in-Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
Buffy-in-Faith: And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?
Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
Giles: She understands it better than I do.
Faith-in-Buffy: Someone comes out, you get 'em to safety, unless they've got fangs.
Giles: Damn it, man, we have to get inside! Our, um, uh... our families are in there! Our, um, mothers, and tiny, tiny babies!
Xander: Scampered, like a big bumpy bunny.
Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.
Buffy: A nest. No biggie. I bet I could do it. I mean, I know I could take at least two.
Jonathan: Hey, don't worry about it. Nest full of vampires, you come get me, okay. Box full of puppies, that's more of a judgment call.
Willow: We knocked them deader.
Willow: I know she's not over the whole Riley sleeping with Faith thing. You know what I mean - Faith's insides in Buffy's outsides, when her insides were out.
Buffy: Now, if Slaying was a competitive sport, then I'd have a chance. You know, we could have figure staking, and speed staking.
Buffy: There's no way he could know. I mean, you don't just look at someone and say, "Hey, that's not your body. Get out of that body with your hands up!"
Jonathan: If you really want it, you can make anything happen.
Buffy: They get into a fistfight; I got a 50 on Anya.
Anya: Let's go have sex now.
Willow: Ha! Buffy, this is Jonathan. You know he doesn't get scared. You talked about it when you gave him the Class Protector award at the Prom.
Anya: Xander's not here.
Buffy: Oh.
Anya: You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?
Anya: Oh. Sure. Come in. Make yourself at home. And so on.
Anya: Oh, you're still here. That's nice.
Anya: [Trying to give Buffy a pep talk] Oh! Buck up, you. You kill the best. Go you. Kill, Kill.
Anya: Sure, alternate realities. You could have, like, a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like, some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.
Buffy: I was just kind wondering... if maybe... anyone else thought... that Jonathan... was kind of too perfect?
Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
Giles: No... Yes. I-it was a gift.
Spike: Ohoho, semi-harsh language from Betty. You're feisty when the big guys standing beside you. Someday, sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on. See you face the evil alone, for once.
Spike: No, but then again, I'm probably lying.
Spike: Hey, what are you doing? You're not supposed to do that.
Riley: These spells, these really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out or learn to excrete gold coins?
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Giles: [After Xander, speaking Latin, sets fire to a book] Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
Anya: Alternate realities are neat.
Anya: And who really did star in The Matrix?
Buffy: Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. I mean...
Buffy: Vampire-Demon tag team. Who says we can't all get along?
Buffy: Vamps hate demons. It's like stripes and polka-dots. Major clashing.
Xander: Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the sex. Well, there should be.
Anya: I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young. Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is something wrong with your body?
Giles: I'm, um, it's a meeting of grown-ups. It couldn't possibly be of any interest to you lot.
Anya: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!
Anya: Oh, now, come on! You're not even bumpy anymore!
Spike: Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on, get me mad again.
Xander: It's kind of embarrassing, which, welcome to the life with Anya.
Anya: A year and a half ago I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
Spike: You know... you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like... I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?
Spike: It's a terrible thing, love is. I been there myself. Ended badly.
Spike: [Entering the Lowell House party] Hey... I know these guys from somewhere.
Anya: Initiative soldiers. They live here. Experiments happen in the lab under the house. That's where they kept you and put in your chip. Let's have fun!
Spike: What are you doing? You brought me *here*?
Xander: Anya? What are you doing? You brought *him* here?
Spike: That's what I said, only I hit the "here" part.
Graham: And I'm the one who got a "D" in Covert Ops.
Xander: We had a little fight. That just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead.
Anya: We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have sex.
Anya: I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis, and now I don't even have that!
Xander: I've put up with a hell of a lot from you, much of that in the last minute...
Anya: Well then, I'm staying too. To show you how much I'm not bothered by you having fun. Because I'll be having more fun!
Xander: Huh. Sometimes I just don't get the sophisticated college lifestyle.
Willow: Ghost boy, drowning in a tub. I tried to save him, but... being a ghost already, well, I was way too late.
Xander: A ghost? What's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties? 'Cause it's not the snacks.
Xander: Anya, look around. There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair.
Spike: I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Asian House is open...
Xander: I'm going back in there, and I'm not coming out until I bring my friend with me.... Or... it could be Watcher-time.
Xander: [Seeing Giles sing] Umm... could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure, every day the Earth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange.
Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please.
Giles: In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up? Oh, for a different phrasing.
Xander: So, with Buffy and Riley havin'... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock, lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm.
Anya: What good are weapons against disembodied spirits, Xander? They have no ass to kick.
Willow: Transform your pain. Release your past... and uh... get over it.
Buffy: I just had no idea. It's so creepy. He was really singing?
Xander: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau.
Willow: I'm more of a dog person, myself. But I'm not, like, death to all cats.
Tara: I want my room to be Willow-friendly.
Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota - bad Slayer!
Riley: We got demons coming out our ears.
Xander: Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write.
Anya: Everyone's uncomfortable now.
Buffy: [Re Riley's concern about Willow dating a werewolf] God, I never knew you were such a bigot!
Riley: Whoa! Hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month.
Willow: No. No new guy.
Oz: A woman in Tibet traded it to me for the Radiohead record. Got a lot of mileage out of the barter system.
Willow: So that's it? You keep your inner cool and no more wolfie?
Willow: Well, I believe a manly sized breakfast is order, don't you?
Oz: Or we could just... sleep a little while. Whatever you want.
Willow: I'll have the less confusing waffles right now.
Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, you... Oh! Oh.
Spike: The thing about the Slayer is, she is a whiney little thing, but when it comes to the fighting, she does have a slight tendency to win.
Xander: It'd be great if we knew someone dating a man on the inside, someone with connections. Oh, wait!
Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
Anya: [Waiting for a high five] Slap my hand now.
Buffy: Talk later. Stealthy escape now.
Buffy: Quite a day, huh? You woke up to a big bowl of Wheaties, now you're a fugitive.
Oz: But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out, the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book.
Willow: I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are, I won't be surprised... because you're with me, you know?
Willow: [To Tara] I feel horrible about everything I put you through. And I'm going to make it up to you. Starting right now.
Spike: No! See, you're not getting it Mr. Bits. You're gonna be interestingly dead. Little Miss Tiny's got a habit of bulloxing up the plans of every would be unstoppable badass who sets foot in this town.
Adam: Then why haven't you killed this slayer yet.
Spike: Plus, it'll make her miserable. And I never get tired of that.
Xander: [Re Angel] It's not like I hate the guy...just, you know, the guts part of him.
Riley: It's the pants, isn't it? It's okay. I couldn't take me seriously in these things either.
Xander: Give it up for American chipmanship.
Spike: Attitude. See how far that will take you in boot camp. Say, I hope you get one of those tough-as-nails Drill Sergeants, who's only hard on the men because he's trying to keep them alive when the bullets start flying. I love that stuff.
Xander: Boot camp? Yeah, like I'd go there.
Spike: What, you change your mind? Not gonna join?
Anya: [Hitting Xander] You're joining the Army?!
Xander: Okay. [To Anya] One: Ow! [To Spike] Two: Where'd you get that idea? [To Anya] Three: Ow! [To both] I'm not joining the army!
Anya: Good. stopped that nonsense just in time.
Xander: It happens that I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills and... stratagems... I'm very... [To Anya] Help me out here.
Anya: He's a Viking in the sack.
Xander: You know what college is? It's high school only without the actual going to class! Well high school was kinda like that too.
Anya: They look down on you.
Xander: And they hate you.
Anya: But they don't look down on me.
Xander: I'm out there trying to make a living and it's nothing but a huge joke to them. "Xander got fired from Starbucks. Xander got fired from that phone sex line."
Willow: Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as... really difficult pie.
Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?
Buffy: Xander?! Oh, he's the deadest man in deadonia.
Riley: [Re Angel] Sometimes things happen between exes, and when I saw that he was bad...
Buffy: He's... not bad.
Riley: Seriously? That's a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he's good he's all Mister Billowy Coat, King of Pain.
Giles: [Re encryption] Whatever happened to Latin? at least when that made no sense, the church approved.
Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's gonna kick your ass.
Xander: Just because you're better than us, doesn't mean you can be all superior.
Buffy: This is stupid.
Xander: Stupid. So you finally had the guts to say it to my face.
Buffy: I didn't say you were stupid, so stop being an idiot and let me fix this.
Buffy: So, I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a chosen one and her friends.
Buffy: If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out.
Willow: [To Buffy] We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.
Xander: No! It was bad before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to... Tara's your
girlfriend?
Spike: So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back.
Giles: Will you be working here, you know, typing, talking? Because that will be fine.
Anya: Xander. You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning. You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked.
Anya: You're a good person and a good boyfriend, and... and I'm in love with you.
Adam: This is all how she planned it. Except she thought she would be alive.
Spike: Easy, sheriff. Look where you point that thing.
Spike: Look at little Nancy Drew.
Willow: It must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point. That is so annoying! It's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've-- I mean, yippee! We have the information.
Xander: Oddly, Anya decided not to join us despite the fun we had at our last meeting.
Giles: Well, uh, Spike can be very convincing when-when-when... I'm very stupid.
Xander: He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his yayas somehow.
Xander: Spike's working for Adam?!? After all we've done-- Nah, I can't even act surprised.
Willow: Oh, I decrypted them! Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.
Xander: Does anybody else miss the Mayor "I just wanna be a big snake"?
Spike: Now, if you'll just get the chip out of my cranium, I'll be out of your way. And mind the hairline. I don't fancy fussing with a comb-over once I've resumed my killing ways.
Willow: What about magic? Some kind of, I don't know, uranium- extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching.
Xander: So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer-strength, Giles' multilingual know-how, and Willow's witchy-power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions.
Giles: Xander, just because this is never going to work, there's no need to be negative.
Buffy: Yeah, but I think trouble was stir-upable.
Buffy: Xander!
Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!
Buffy: You know we love you, right?
Willow: We totally do.
Xander: Oh, god, we're gonna die, aren't we?
Colonel: What kind of freaks are you people?
Adam: I do appreciate violence.
UberBuffy: You can never hope to grasp the source of our power. But yours is right here.
Xander: Dinner is served, and my very own recipe.
Willow: Oooo, you pushed the button on the microwave that says "popcorn"?
Xander Actually I pushed "Defrost", but Joyce was there in a clinch.
Xander: Let the vidfest begin.
Xander: "Apocalypse Now" is a gay romp. It's the feel-good movie of whatever year it was.
Xander: Don't worry. I got plenty of chick-and-British-guy flicks, too.
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself.
Willow: This isn't "Madame Butterfly", is it? Because I have a whole problem with opera.
Buffy: You must have done something.
Willow: No, I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty.
Xander: I didn't order any vampires.
Giles: Spike's like a son to me.
Giles: Come on, put your back into it. A Watcher scoffs at gravity.
Xander: Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon.
Anya: I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.
Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
Anya: Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion.
Giles: [Singing] It's strange, it's not like anything we've faced before
It seems familiar somehow
Of course
The spell we cast with Buffy must have released some primal evil that's come back seeking
I'm not sure what
Willow, look through the chronicles for some reference to a warrior beast
I've got to warn Buffy
There's every chance she might be next
And Xander
Help Willow
And try not to bleed on my couch
I just had it steam-cleaned.
Tara: Be back before dawn.
Buffy: Why are you living in the walls?
Riley: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think.
Riley: Buffy, we've got important work here. A lot of filing, giving things names.
Buffy: Let her speak for herself. That's what's done in polite circles.
Buffy: Are you quite finished. It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really going to have to get over the whole primal power thing. You're not the source of me. Also, in terms of hair care, you really want to say, what kind of impression am I making in the workplace? 'Cause...
Giles: Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
Buffy: You know you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
Giles: I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
Buffy: Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know where the hell that came from.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Go to quotes Season 1
Go to quotes Season 2
Go to quotes Season 3
Go to quotes Season 4
Go to quotes Season 5
Go to quotes Season 6
Go to quotes Season 7
Go back to Home
Updated October 2003.
Author: Millan
"I don't need a life, I have Buffy!"