Quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Season one

Welcome to the Hellmouth

Xander: Can I have you? Uh, can I help you?

Xander: We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.

Cordelia: Oh, I would *kill* to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes?

Jesse: We just wanted to welcome ya, make ya feel at home... unless you have a scary home.

Cordelia: I don't mean to interrupt your downward mobility, but I just wanted to tell you that you won't be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was cancelled due to the *extreme* dead guy in the locker.

Buffy: To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you.

Angel: I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I don't bite.

Angel: Truth is, I thought you'd be taller, or bigger muscles and all that. You're pretty spry, though.

Willow: He stole my Barbie! Oh, we were five.

Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.

Buffy: Not original, I'll grant you, but it's true. You know? Why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy, and if he's gonna laugh at you. Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead.

Buffy: I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.

Cordelia: God! What is your childhood trauma?!

Buffy: Was there a... a school bulletin? Was it in the newspaper? Is there anyone in this town who doesn't know I'm the Slayer?

Buffy: God! I am so mentally challenged!

Buffy: Could you vague that up for me?

Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...

Giles: Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.

Buffy: I've got a friend down there. Or at least a potential friend. Do you know what it's like to have a friend? That wasn't supposed to be a stumper.

Cordelia: Senior boys, hmm, they have mystery. They have… what's the word I'm searching for? Cars!

Cordelia: Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist?

Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be?

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.

Angel: She did it! I'll be damned!

Buffy: Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide.

Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. Pardon me for finding the glass half full.

Willow: You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

Xander: Man, some of those girls hit me really hard. They should test for steriods.

Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.

Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.

Xander: We're right behind you, only... further back.

Teacher’s Pet

Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?

Xander: Those who can, do. Those who can't, laugh at those who can… do…

Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.

Xander: Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.

Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.

Xander: ...I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway?

Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Buffy: I'm Buffy, and you're history.

Giles: Alright, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.

Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

Cordelia: Oooh! Hello, salty goodness! Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I'm through with him.

Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time.

Xander: Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.

Willow: He makes my head go tingly. You know what I mean?

Buffy: I suppose some girls might find him good looking...if they have eyes, alright, he's a honey, but... it's just he's never around, and when he is all he wants to do is talk about vampires, and... I, I just can't have a relationship...

Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this.

Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy? Or some ducks?

Giles: It's terrible. He's turned into a 16 year old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.

Buffy: I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me. There is something supernatural at work here. Get your books! Look stuff up!

Xander: Been waitin' for you to jump my bones.

Xander: Dangerous and mean, right? Like Angel. Your mystery guy. Well, guess who just got mean.

Xander: Y'know, hey, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker!

Angel: It's alright. A vampire can't come in unless it's invited.

Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! Huh. Check out these babies. Hmm. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. What can I shoot?

Xander: You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?!

Xander: Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked?

Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness and sweaty palms.

Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friend's children... For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.

Angel: But I wanted to. I can walk like a man, but I'm not one. I wanted to kill you tonight.

Buffy: Well, you been around since Columbus, you are bound to pile up a few ex's. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.

The Master: I am weary and their deaths will bring me little joy. Of course, sometimes a little is enough.

Ms. Calendar: Oh, I know, our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century. With three whole years to spare!

Xander: But you're gonna be missin' out. I'm plannin' to be witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me.

Giles: Those boys aren't sparklingly normal as it is. I-I do! I-I-I really don't know how to advise you. Things involved with a computer fill me with a child-like terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element. -

Xander: Calax Research and Development. It's a computer research lab. Third largest employer in Sunnydale till it closed down last year. What, I can't have information sometimes?

Buffy: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling.

Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Buffy: He's gone binary on us.

Moloch: Don't you see? I can give you everything! I can control the world! Right now a man in Beijing is transferring money to a Swiss bank account for a contract on his mother's life. Good for him!

Xander: Hey! I got to hit someone!

Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of wooly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.

Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in *my* world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.

Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.

Xander: Did I mention that I *hate* this school?

Xander: Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser-sozed?

Xander: Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor.

Willow: Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog.

Buffy: Who's ever out there, I'm gonna hurt you! Badly! If you'll just gimme a minute...

Cordelia: I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy!

Giles: [to Cordelia] Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh... Xander was right. Worked like a charm.

Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!

Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our, our nightmares are coming true.

Xander: You are a lousy clown! Your balloon animals are pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe!

Xander: It's funny how the world never opens up and swallows you when want it to

Buffy: Scary! I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. And I'm one of them.

Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.

Buffy: I think I speak for everyone when I say, 'Huh'?

Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?

Xander: Hmm. Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods. Research Boy comes through with the knowledge!

Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer! It's rather poetic! In a maudlin sort of way.

Angel: Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there. It's an overrated pleasure.

Cordelia: Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.

Cordelia: Everybody is so busy listening, they don't hear a word I say.

Angel: I’ll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen.

Buffy: You're a thundering loony!

Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?

Xander: That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain.

Ms. Calendar: The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little.

Buffy: When he wakes up tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it.

Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go!

Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.

Buffy: Sure! We saved the world. I say we party! I mean, I got all pretty.

Season two

Hank: It's so strange. You know, at least when she was burning stuff down I knew what to say.

Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.

Xander: Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom!

Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu!

Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.

Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.

Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? She's possessed.

Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?

Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract them.

Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.

Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer.

Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.'

Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place.

Buffy: Sorry, I'm an old fashioned girl. I was raised to believe the men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.

Cordelia: Hello? Can we deal with my pain please?

Buffy: And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence.

Giles: I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.

Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.

Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.

Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

Spike: I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag!

Drusilla: Do you like daisies? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put into the ground withers and dies.

Jenny: The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar. Rupert, you have *got* to read something that was published after 1066.

Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Spike: From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual...and a little more fun around here.

Xander: Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea.

Buffy: Just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One.

Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bity blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.

Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.

Xander: Oh, yeah. Fall for the old 'let me translate that ancient seal for ya' come on. Tsh. D'ya know how many times I've used that?

Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.

Xander: That's great! You're not a praying mantis, are you? Sorry, someone else.

Jonathan: Cinnamon, chocolate, half caff, non-fat... Extra foam!

Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.

Buffy: No. I think you don't know what it's like to be sixteen. And a girl. And the Slayer.

Buffy: No. When you kiss me I wanna die.

Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?

Xander: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just going with a halter top tonight?

Tom: No. We're not all a bunch of drunken louts. Some of us are sober louts.

Willow: Well... Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! And you, you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?! Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy.

Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? Hey, man, how you doin'?

Buffy: There's this amazing place where you can go and sit down in the dark, and there are these moving pictures and the pictures tell a story.

Cordelia: Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams street urchin.

Xander: Those wacky vampires! That's why I love 'em! They just keep you guessing!

Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it: somethin' damn manly.

Giles: I enjoy cross-referencing.

Cordelia: You may think you're hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

Willow: Yeah. Still, I think I prefer being able to vote. Or I will when I can.

Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

Buffy: Cool! I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you!

Xander: Private Harris reporting for... Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!

Willow: She couldn't've dressed up like Xena?

Xander: This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends! Jeez, doesn't she know any fat guys?

Xander: You have too many thoughts.

Giles: You are not, by any chance, betraying your secret identity just to impress, um, cute boys, are you?

Willow: Is that so bad? I mean, the dark can get pretty dark. Sometimes you need a story.

Spike: Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?

Spike: I've known you two minutes and I can't stand you. I don't really feature you living forever.

Angel: Sometimes the truth is worse. You live long enough, you find that out.

Buffy: What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the all-you-can-eat moron bar.

Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.

Buffy: All's well that ends with cute ER doctors, I say.

Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?

Xander: Ooh, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever.

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.

Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?

Willow: Hey! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble. We have to put our heads together and get them out of it. And if you aren't with me 110%, then get the Hell out of my library!

Cordelia: I'm gonna be in therapy till I'm thirty.

Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Buffy: Color *me* stunned.

Buffy: You know why? I *am* immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature.

Buffy: Note to self: Religion: freaky.

Buffy: You slay. I'm going to Disneyland.

Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'da gone with 'The Cross-o- matic', or, uh, 'The Amazing Mr. Cross'.

Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process!

Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.

Angel: You know, I'm a little rusty when it comes to killing humans. It could take a while.

Cordelia: Oh, right, 'cause I lie awake at night hoping you tweakos will be my best friends.

Xander: Is murder always a crime?

Kendra: No wonder you died.

Willy: I swear on my mother's grave, should something fatal happen to her, God forbid.

Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?

Xander: Who sponsored career day today? The British Soccer Fan Association?

Oz: I'm shot. Wow. It's odd… And painful.

Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter.

Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him.

Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

Spike: She's the gnat in my ear. The gristle in my teeth. She's the bloody thorn in my bloody side!

Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.

Xander: Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! Well, that's the cookies talking, but you ROCK!

Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up!

Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?

Angel: Not like I have an early day tomorrow.

Buffy: Oh. That's okay, um... I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.

Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.

Buffy: I see your 'UGGHH' and raise you an 'ENAGGH'.

Tector: She's so cute. And little. Think we can keep her?

Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

Xander: Looks like Mr. Caution Man, but the sound he makes is funny.

Xander: Well, clearly the Hellmouth's answer to 'what do you get the Slayer who has everything?'

Angel: My people -- before I was changed -- they exchanged this as a sign of devotion. It's a claddagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... Well, you know... Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this.

Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.

Drusilla: I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion. I fear there may be a duel.

Judge: You two stink of humanity. You share affection and jealousy.

Willow: My God! You people are all... well, I'm upset and can't think of a mean word right now, but that's what you are, and we're going to the factory!

Judge: This one... cannot be burnt. He is clean. There's no humanity in him.

Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.

Drusilla: Psst. We're going to destroy the world. Want to come?

Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.

Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia' club, of which you are the treasurer.

Willow: No, it means that you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me.

Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.

Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step and there the conclusions were.

Willow: Let's get this straight. I don't understand it, I don't wanna understand it, you have gross emotional problems, and things are not okay between us. But what's happening right now is more important than that.

Xander: Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan...Now I'm having a wiggins.

Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.

Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'etre, you know.

Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it! Do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl... you have to love her.

Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... You know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage.

Oz: In my fantasy, when I'm kissing you, you're kissing me back. It's okay. I can wait.

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.

Buffy: Everybody keep back. Damage control only. Take out any lesser vamps if you can. I'll handle the Smurf.

Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1- 800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.

Cordelia: What's he waiting for? What's his problem? Oh, that's right, he's a guy.

Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.

Giles: Yes, I must admit I'm quite intrigued. Werewolves! It's one of the classics. I'm sure my books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon.

Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either.

Oz: A werewolf in love.

Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.

Buffy: You make me feel this way and then you reject me? What is this, a game?

Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up-and-up.

Xander: Yeah! Okay... Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?

Xander: I intend revenge, pure as the driven snow. Now, are you gonna help me or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework?

Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you.

Angelus: I found it in a quaint little shop girl.

Harmony: A girl wants to look good for her geek.

Cordelia: Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made *you* Elvis?

Xander: It's time for me to act like a man…and hide!

Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.

Angelus: It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

Xander: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.

Xander: Y'know, I think there may be a valuable lesson for you gals here about inviting strange men into your bedrooms.

Giles: Yes, Xander, once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.

Xander: Watcher's pet.

Buffy: Willow, I thought I might take in a class. Figured I could use someone who knows where they are.

Willow: I swear, men can be such jerks sometimes. Dead or alive.

Cordelia: Oh God, I invited him into my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants.

Angelus: Well, maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike. Might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space.

Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' every year.

Angelus: I haven't been able to sleep since the night we made love.

Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks.

Angelus: Oh, my cure? No, thanks. Been there, done that, and deja vu just isn't what it used to be.

Buffy: Yeah. He was the first. I mean, the only.

Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!'

Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!

Angelus: Don't worry, roller boy. I've got everything under control.

Buffy: I can't hold on to the past anymore. Angel is gone. Nothing's ever gonna bring him back.

Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!

Cordelia: We're all concerned about how gross you look.

Angelus: Uh-oh. This does not look good for our heroine.

Buffy: Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.

Angelus: Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first.

Xander: You're gonna die, and I'm gonna be there.

Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Giles: Why do I have- good thinking. I can do with a research assistant.

Xander: Increased ooginess. That's a danger signal.

Xander: No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.

Buffy: I thought I might try violence.

Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.

Buffy: What happened?! You just went O.J. on your girlfriend!

Xander: Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?

Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.

Xander: I know. He's usually Investigate-Things-From-Every-Boring-Angle Guy. Now he's I-Cling-Onto-My-One-Lame-Idea Guy. What gives?

Xander: Your dreams are getting wicked accurate, Buff. You wouldn't happen to see me coming across some big cash? Or possibly knowing the love of a woman? In a full body sense?

Snyder: We're on a Hellmouth. Sooner or later, people are gonna figure that out.

Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's, it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.

Cordelia: Okay. Overidentify much?

Spike: It's paradise. Big windows and lovely gardens. They'll be perfect for when we want the sunlight to kill us.

Xander: It's officially nippy. So say my nips.

Xander: That's wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to *earn* our D's.

Buffy: So I'm treated like the baddie, just because he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose... and I don't have a scratch on me... which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface...

Cordelia: Well, you could go out to the parking lot and practice running like a man.

Xander: He was right behind me, putting his sneakers on. But it's not the Velcro kind, so give him a couple of extra minutes

Xander: Sure. The discus throwers got the best seats at all the crucifixions.

Buffy: I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.

Cordelia: You were so courageous. And you looked really hot in those Speedo's.

Cordelia: And I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And... and we can still date. Or, or not. I mean... I understand if you wanna see other fish.

Cordelia: I think we can safely say we've found Sean. He was in the pool skinless-dipping.

Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs: that I did it with the entire swim team.

Angel: Milady, you'll find that with the exception of an honest day's work, there's no challenge I'm not prepared to face.

Darla: I'll show you the world

Xander: Oh, yeah, finals! Why didn't you let me die?

Cordelia: How about because you're a tiny, impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?

Buffy: Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I mean, when in the real world am I ever gonna need chemistry or history or math or the English language?

Oz: This is all making a kind of sense that's not.

Willow: And I don't want danger. Big 'no' to danger.

Buffy: Well, I'll do a couple of sweeps, and then I'll stop by. Yeah, Xander was pretty much being a... Willow! Where did you learn that word? My God. You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.

Angelus: Acathla the demon came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're putting up low-rent housing.

Spike: Mmm. The demon wakes up, and wackiness ensues.

Angelus: My friends... we're about to make history... end.

Xander: Hi! For those of you who've just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.

Willow: Okay, somebody explain the whole 'he will suck the world into Hell' thing, because that's the part I'm not loving.

Willow: I don't *wanna* be our only hope! Uh, I crumble under pressure! Let's have another hope.

Angelus: Gosh, I was hoping we could get back together. What do you think? Do we have a shot? Alright. We'll fight.

Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. You'll see what I mean.

Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws.

Buffy: I have had a really bad day, okay? If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're gonna crack jokes, then I'm gonna pull out your ribcage and wear it as a hat.

Whistler: In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you've got. That's the point.

Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

Buffy: And I may lose more! The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.

Xander: Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know? And who am I gonna call every night... and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always... I love you.

Willow: My head… feels big. Is it big?

Willow: I'm okay, Buffy, really. I mean, I don't feel good, but... I'm awake, and I know my name and who's President and how many fingers, so they don't think my brain got mushed at all.

Spike: Um... you hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'get the hell away from my daughter.'

Spike: Dru bagged a Slayer? She didn't tell me! Hey, good for her! Though not from your perspective, I suppose.

Joyce: Have you tried not being a vampire slayer?

Buffy: No, it doesn't stop! It never stops! Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world... again.

Willow: There's no use arguing with me. Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before. You know what it means. This can help Buffy. If we turn Angel back soon enough, we can stop him from ever awakening Acathla.

Spike: Someone wasn't worthy.

Spike: You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet.

Whistler: You know, raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun. You're never gonna get the good stuff.

Xander: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.

Xander: Willow. Um, she told me to tell you… Kick his ass.

Grr Arrg Monster: Oooh, I need a hug.

Season three

Oz: Uh, if I may suggest: 'This time it's personal.' I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.

Willow: I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be. Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.

Angel: If I was blind, I would see you.

Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me.

Buffy: We've got a peach pie. I can't guarantee there's a peach in it.

Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement. 'Don't get killed.'

Cordelia: He didn't meet anybody over the summer, did he? No, who's he gonna meet in Sunnydale, but monsters and stuff? But then again he's always been attracted to monsters.

Oz: Well, it's sort of a funny story. You remember when I didn't graduate?

Larry: If we can focus, keep discipline, and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna *rule*!

Willow: I'm trying to get to cute, really. But I'm still sorta stuck on 'strange'. 

Xander: Look, I don't mean to poop the party here, it's just, you get your hopes all up, and then it's just a big fat raspberry, and I feel bad.

Xander: The vampire attacks you... The vampire kills you... We watch. We rejoice.

Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.

Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just want to be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share.

Ken: You've got guts. I think I'd like to slice you open and play with them.

Buffy: Hey Ken, wanna see my impersonation of Ghandi?

Buffy: Didn't anyone ever warn you about playing with pointy sticks? It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

Xander: Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a... a looker or a... a seer.

Buffy: Well, thank you for the offer, but I think I just wanna get back to my normal routine. You know, school, slaying... kid's stuff.

Snyder: I have not only the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly.

Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.

Buffy: Welcome to the Hellmouth Petting Zoo.

Oz: It looks dead. It smells dead. Yet it's movin' around. That's interesting.

Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.

Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?

Xander: Okay, so one vote from the Old Guy for a Smelly Cheese Night, and how many votes for actual fun, huh?

Giles: Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!' Americans.

Xander: Look. I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles.

Willow: No, let them go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence…I was being sarcastic!

Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.

Oz: I think the Dead Man's Party's moved upstairs.

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: Not good.

Xander: Buffy, banned from campus, but not from our hearts, how are you and what's for lunch?

Cordelia: He didn't try to slit our throats or anything. That's progress.

Buffy: All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff!

Trick: Sunnydale. Town's got quaint. And the people? He called me 'sir'. Don't you just miss that? I mean, admittedly, it's not a haven for the brothers, you know, strictly the Caucasian Persuasion here in the Dale. But, you know, you just gotta stand up and salute their death rate.

Joyce: I have tried to march in the Slayer Pride parade, but... I don't want you to die.

Buffy: Hello, my life, how I've missed you.

Buffy: So, let me get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school-board *overruled* you. Wow, that's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.

Scott: Think of this as my last ditch effort. I realize one more is gonna qualify as stalking.

Willow: That's not what making out sounds like, unless I'm doing it wrong.

Oz: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say there's a new Slayer in town.

Willow: There's big evil brewin'. You'll never be bored here, Faith. 'Cause this is Sunnydale, home of the big brewin' evil.

Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.

Buffy: The girl's not playing with a full deck, Giles. She has almost no deck. She has a three.

Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don't believe in: coincidence and leprechauns.

Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um... something went through him... and he was Angel again. He-he didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was... it was too late, and I, I had to. So I, I told him that I loved him... and I kissed him... and I killed him.

Xander: Private Harris reporting for Oz watch.

Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.

Oz: I may be a cold blooded jelly donut, but my timing's impeccable.

Oz: Okay, uh, you know that thing where you bail in the middle of an upsetting conversation? I have to do that. It's kinda dramatic I know, but... sometimes it's a necessary guy thing.

Buffy: Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity.

Platt: Look, Buffy, any person – grownup, shrink, pope – any person who claims to be *totally* sane is eaither lying or not very bright I mean, everybody has problems. Everybody has demons, right?

Platt: If you can't... well, love becomes your master, and you're just its dog.

Platt: Look, lots of people loose themselves in love. It's, it's no shame. They write songs about it. The hitch is, you can't stay lost. Sooner or later you… you have to get back to yourself.

Pete: Yeah, but your mom has the wattage of a Zippo lighter, Scott.

Xander: Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless, wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know, side effect, people get cut to ribbons, and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and...I'm not helping, am I?

Xander: We're doing crime here. You don't sneak up during crime.

Scott: I hope you realize I don't actually know these people. I just... I thought you would like me better if I had friends, so I hired them.

Oz: Time's up. Rules change.

Xander: You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people.

Willow: You have to help me pick an outfit. I wanna wear something that makes Oz go, 'Oh.' 

Buffy: I'm not talking about the Slayer. I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the Prom Queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.

Buffy: Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth, is it?

Mr. Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It... makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human...vampire...and whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.

Mr. Trick: Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98!

Oz: As Willow goes, so goes my nation.

Faith: Scott? There you are, honey! Hey, good news. The doctor says that the itching and the swelling and the burning should clear up, but we gotta keep using the ointment.

Cordelia: Listen up, needle brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend. [Lyle: Wife!] Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up. *I'm* the Queen. You get me mad, what do you think I'm gonna do to you?  

Willow: Oz is the highest scoring person never to graduate!

Oz: She's always cute.

Oz: Something is happening... Someplace that's else

Buffy: I'm supervised 24/7. It's like being in the Real World house. Only real.

Willow: Hey, this is not normal. Uh, well, maybe that goes without saying.

Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?

Buffy: No vampire has ever been that scary.

Snyder: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!

Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff- never mind.

Buffy: Giles at sixteen? Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-The-World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy.

Giles: No, you listen to me! I'm your Watcher so you do what I tell you. Now sod off!

Giles: Hit him. He's lying! Hit him!

Giles: You're my Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his throat.

Willow: 'Kiss rocks'? Why would anyone want to kiss... Oh, wait. I get it.

Faith: Excuse me, Mary Poppins, but you don't seem to be listening.

Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her?

Xander: Hey, you're not the Watcher of me.

Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.

Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.

Xander: Good old Sunnydale library. Fully equipped with reference books, file cards and weapons.

Gwendolyn: Faith, a word of advice. You're an idiot.

Willow: Well, he saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again.

Xander: Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess.

Willow: 740? Verbal?! I'm-I'm... pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel.

Xander: That's alright. And the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

Xander: I hate that they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist and, personally, I think it discriminates against the uninformed.

Oz: I don't think they make a werewolf PEZ. You might have to settle for a wacky cartoon dog.

Buffy: Giles, you pack like me.

Mayor Wilkins: Was that a mixed metaphor? Boats did have cannons, and a loose one would cause it to rock. Honestly, I don't know where my mind goes these days!

Mayor Wilkins: Oh, look at that. Every time... cuts to the left. And it's not the carpet, it's me. I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game. Of course, it's a little late for that. But I suppose I could offer your soul, huh? It could really help me on the green... I'm just funnin'.

Xander: Whoa! It smells like church in here. No, wait... Evil church.

Spike: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?

Joyce: Well, Spike, sometimes even when two people seem right for each other, their lives just take different paths.

Spike: No, this is different. Our love was eternal. Literally.

Willow: Now, hold on! I'll do your spell for you, and, and, I'll get you Drusilla back, but there will be no bottle in face, and there will be no 'having' of any kind with me.

Spike: If at first you don't succeed, I'll kill him and you'll try again.

Spike: Doesn't work like that, peaches. And when did you become all soul-having again? I thought you outgrew that.

Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.

Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Spike: Oh, yeah. You two. Just friends. No danger there.

Spike: I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again.

Spike: Love's a funny thing.

Buffy: I'm not coming back. We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go.

Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.

Anya: [about Harmony] If that girl had an original thought, her head would explode.

Anya: Don't you just wish…

Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.

Vampire Willow: Bored now. This is the part that's less fun. When there isn't any screaming.

Cordelia: What's up with you two and the leather?

Cordelia: No. No! No way! I wish us into Bizarro Land, and you guys are still together?! I cannot win!

Larry: Okay. The entire world sucks because some dead ditz made a wish? I just, I just want it clear.

Buffy: I don't play well with others. Now, I'm gonna ask you this once, and then I'm gonna get testy.

Buffy: Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it.

Xander: Angel? Weird? What are the odds?

Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everybody worships Santa.

Oz: This is what I do know: I miss you. Like, every second. Almost like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso. So, I think I'd be willing to... give it a shot.

Xander: Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing, and, um, I don't know, maybe I finally got the Chanukah spirit.

Buffy: Nothing like a roaring fire to keep away the blistering heat

Jenny: Couldn't you just... feel her? Couldn't you almost smell her skin? You never were a fighter, Angel, don't start trying now. Sooner or later you will drink her.

Buffy: Alright, ten more minutes of chanting and then you guys have to go to bed.

The First Evil: You think you can fight me? I'm not a demon, little girl. I am something you can't even conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin. Beyond death. I am the thing that darkness fears. You'll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being. Every thought. Every drop of hate.

Angel: Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.

Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. Angel, please, the sun is coming up!

Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because...

Weatherman: Sunnydale residents shouldn't expect to see the sun at all today. That cold front isn't going anywhere. With temperatures in the high 30s, means you better bundle up if you're planning to go outside and enjoy the change in the weather.

Willow: Makes me grateful that my mom's not interested in my extra-curricular activities...Or my *curricular* activities.

Willow: Mom, I'm not an age group. I'm me. Willow group.

Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you. Come fill me with your black naughty evil.

Willow: No! Hear this ma! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion!

Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out. I'm a witch. I-I can make pencils float and I can summon the four elements. Okay, two, but four soon. And I'm dating a musician.

Angel: I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.

Xander: "Frisky Watchers Chat Room." Why, Giles!

Oz: Fairy tales are real?

Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.

Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow for some beans. No one else is seeing the funny here.

Buffy: And maybe the next time the world is being sucked into Hell, I won't be able to stop it because the anti-Hell sucking book isn't on the approved reading list.

Snyder: Oh, I should say it's just the beginning. Fight it if you want. Just remember, lift a finger against me, and you'll have to answer to MOO. [Talk about the president of MOO.] I believe you call her mom.

Cordelia: I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.

Oz: Just so we're clear, you guys know you're nuts, right?

Buffy: Yes, you will all be turned into vermin. And some of you will be fish. You in the back, will be fish.

Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math.

Buffy: I hate being the good one.

Xander: Where is it written that quiet reflection can't be combined with cake and funny hats?

Oz: Ice is cool. It's water, but it's not.

Buffy: I-if someone were free, they'd take their daughters or their student... or their Slayer.

Buffy: Okay, I just got swatted down by some no-neck and rescued by Cordelia. What the hell is happening?

Buffy: Okay. So how do you know if one's aura is dirty? Does someone come by with a finger and write 'Wash me' on it?

Angel: Buffy, you could never be helpless or boring, not even if you tried.

Buffy: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca. Giles. What's going on here?

Buffy: What if I just become pathetic - hanging out at the Old Slayer's Home; talking people's ears off about my glory days, showing them Mr. Pointy, the stake I had bronzed.

Buffy: Hummers. Big turnoff. I like guys that can remember the lyrics.

Buffy: You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me!

Cordelia: What's going on? Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother.

Giles: Yes. Interestingly, I don't give a rat's ass about the Council's orders. There will be no test.

Buffy: If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.

Quentin: Your affection for your charge has rendered you incapable of clear and impartial judgment. You have a father's love for the child, and that is useless to the cause.

Buffy: You know, nothing's really gonna change. The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror.

Willow: Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear.

Willow: I brought marshmallows! ... Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.

Xander: What do you mean, what is it? It's my *thing*.

Xander: Like a dream about warm, sticky things.

Xander: Angel! Buddy! Friend-buddy. You want to sit and talk?

Xander: You know, it's not like I haven't helped before. I've done some quality violence for these people.

Buffy: 'Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors...' Eww. '...celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes.' They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?

Oz: You have an exciting new obsession, which I think makes you very special.

Xander: Yeah, great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword.

Xander: You gave it a girl's name? How very serial killer of you.

Xander: No. Just blowing off steam. Two guys rasslin'. But not in a gay way.

Jack: We're gonna kick your ass 'till it's a brand new shape

Willy: If I were you... I'd go find Angel... go somewhere quiet together. I'd be thinking about how I wanna spend my last night on Earth.

Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

Faith: Just relax... and take your pants off.

Xander: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already dead guys with bombs.

Xander: Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?

Willow: I'm so overwhelmed! I-I got in! To actual colleges! And, a-and they're wooing me! They're pitching woo!

Xander: The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone. Who, uh, incidentally, won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker wear.

Wesley: I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course.

Buffy: (About watchers) The last one was evil.

Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie.

Giles: That's everything. Knock yourself out. Please?

Buffy: I hate it when they drown me.

Buffy: Okay, we got ten, maybe twelve bad guys, and one big demon in desperate need of a stairmaster.

Willow: Give me time, and I may be the first Wiccan to do all my conjuring in pine-fresh scent.

Cordelia: Check out Giles: The Next Generation. What's your deal?

Mayor Wilkins: Well, this *is* exciting. A Slayer up for Murder One. That's sunshine and roses to me. It really is.

Willow: I don't need to say 'oh'. I got it before. They slept together.

Angel: I'm sorry about the chains. It's not that I don't trust you... Actually, it is that I don't trust you.

Willow: Can I... I-I'm just wondering. Why? I'm not the most objective, I know. I kind of have an issue with Faith sharing my people.

Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math.

Oz: There's something about you that's causing me to hug you. It's like I have no will of my own.

Willow: Ooo, I used to want...Wait. Florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.

Buffy: Will, I'm sorry about today. You know how my foot likes to live in my mouth.

Willow: Maybe I’ll change my look! Or cut class. You don’t know. And I’m eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned!

Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable-Dog-Geyser Person.

Willow: I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you follow me.

Wesley: Oh. No, no, no, no. I'm fine. Just give me a minute, and some defibrillators, if it's not too much trouble.

Xander: Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you.

Xander: Uh... Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. Don't wanna fall back on bad habits. Hands! Hands in new places!

Buffy: Aren't you gonna introduce me to your...Holy *God*, you're Willow.

Willow: Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?

Willow: What's going on? Geez, who died? Oh God, who died?

Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?

Angel: Willow's dead! Hey, Willow...Wait a second.

Evil Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.

Evil Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.

Evil Willow: Well, if you don't want to play, I guess I can't force you. Oh wait, I can... Bitch.

Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.

Anya: I'm 1120 years old, just get me a frickin' beer!

Anya: And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High... mortal... a child... and I'm flunking math.

Anya: Vampires. Always thinking with your teeth.

Faith: You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring.

Buffy: So, feel like getting some hot chocolate...or some cold shower?

Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.

Buffy: Fashion tip Wes, mouth looks better closed.

Giles: Again, see. No standards. Any self respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or nice crypt.

Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the do-that-girl.

Xander: And on the day the words flimsy excuse were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.

Angel: Let me guess, you summoned back the true Angelus because you need a new boy toy.

Angel: It's good to be back in Sunnydale. Nice climate, plenty to eat, no tortured humanity to hold me down.

Angel: Thanks... so much. It's good to have the taste of a Slayer back in my mouth. It's like cigarettes, you know? Just when I thought I'd quit. No, really, don't get up.

Angel: As long as you're there, I mostly want you to wriggle.

Major: There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that's factually true!

Mayor: Ahh. You know Angelus, attitude may get you attention, but courtesy wins respect.

Angel: I know what you're thinking. Maybe there's some good deep down inside of me that remembers and loves you, if only you could reach me. But then again, we have reality.

Angel: One thing I learned about Buffy, she's so cute when she's sleeping.

Angel: You know what I just can't believe, all of our time together and we never tried chains.

Xander: Yes. I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise.

Hogan Martin: I don't know what you're doing to him. I actually heard him complete a sentence. Had a clause and everything.

Buffy: No mouth means no teeth...unless they have them somewhere else.

Buffy: A part of the demon. Hope it’s not the outside part.

Oz: You’re a very complex man, aren’t you.

Cordelia: Oh please, like shame is something to be proud of.

Buffy: Ooh, sorry. Sorry about the daytime. I just ducked out of school and that’s when they have it.

Angel: You don’t have to play games with me Buffy. Ever.

Buffy: Well, I thought I saw a four-legged demon, but it was a dog.

Buffy: Oh, but that would have made sense.

Angel: I’m a funny guy.

Xander: What am I going to do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. 4 times 5 is 30. 6 times 5 is 42. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. God stop me!

Oz: I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. Huh.

Oz: No one else exists either. Buffy is all of us. We think. Therefore she is.

Xander: Yeah, I mean who hasn’t idly thought of taking out the place with a semi-automatic...I said idly.

Buffy: You had sex with Giles! You had sex with Giles! On the hood of a police car?! TWICE?!

Willow: Talk to everyone on your list. And…use the sample questions...today people!

Cordelia: Hi Mr. Beach. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow. Oh, it’s for the yearbook.

Larry: Man, I’m out. I’m so out I’ve got my grandma fixing me up with guys.

Buffy: My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it.

Buffy: It looks quiet down there. It’s not. It’s deafening.

Buffy: Well, we talked, and then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me and then we talked some more.

Buffy: Sure, we could work-out after school, you know, if you’re not too busy having sex with my mother!

Buffy: Faith's turn to the dark side of the Force pretty much put the proverbial kibosh on any away plans for me.

Willow: I know. I can learn and have scones.

Buffy: Yeah, I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my Slayerness. That's... something-ism.

Wesley: You cannot leave Sunnydale! With the power invested in me by the Council, I forbid it.

Faith: Made him an offer he couldn't survive.

Faith: What are you, the narrator?

Buffy: Unfortunately, that's all I could get out of my informant before his aggressive tendencies forced me to introduce him to Mr. Pointy.

Buffy: Wes, hop on the train or get off the tracks.

Xander: I need a volunteer to hit Wesley.

Angel: Yeah, well, what can I say? I like 'em sane.

Snyder: You... all of you... Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?

Buffy: This is your night for suave, Will. You should get captured more often.

Willow: Of the two people here, which is the boss of me?

Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.

Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?

Anya: Now I have all these "feelings". I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance, and I want someone to go with me.

Willow: Well, if Anya tries to get you killed, put me down for a big "I told you so."

Buffy: Well, at least we all have someone to go with now. Some of us are going with demons, but I think that's a valid lifestyle choice.

Joyce: Good. Because when it comes to you Angel, she's just like any other young woman in love. You're all she can see of tomorrow. But I think we both know that there are some hard choices ahead. If she can't make them, you're going to have to. I know you care about her, I just hope you care enough.

Angel: You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you.

Cordelia: The other part that totally weirded me out, that thing had good taste. He chucked Xander and went right for the formalwear.

Oz: Once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in special occasion.

Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.

Buffy: I mean, where did I think you get your blood, McPlasma's?

Buffy: Great thing about being a Slayer? Kicking ass is comfort food.

Willow: We got in. Maybe we should dance before we get besieged, bedeviled or beheaded or something.

Jonathan: We're proud to say that the class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know that at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers it's thanks and gives you, uh... this.’ It's from all of us. And it has written here, Buffy Summers- Class Protector.

Giles: For god's sake, man, she's 18! And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about!

Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion.

Cordelia: You've really mastered the power of positive giving-up.

Cordelia: So very funny. At any moment I'm sure to laugh.

Xander: I'm telling you, I woke up the other day with this feeling in my gut. I just know. There is no way I'm getting out of this school alive.

Buffy: I think it's contagious. The whole senior class has turned into the 60's. Or what I would have imagined the 60's would have been like, you know, without the war and the hairy armpits.

Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?

Wesley: Everybody does seem to be going a bit mad lately. Faith has something of a head-start.

Buffy: What page are you on, Wes? 'Cause we already got there.

Wesley: But, wha... was that a yes? I'm having trouble keeping track.

Xander: Hey! It's Mr. States-the-Obvious!

Xander: The Mayor's gonna kill us all during graduation.

Buffy: I love it when you take charge, you man you.

Oz: Our lives are different than other people's.

Oz: I sound pretty sure, don't I?

Buffy: I'm talking about watching my lover die. I don't have a clue what you're talking about and I don't care.

Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.

Xander: Here’s your coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.

Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.

Willow: Is that just a comforting way of not answering the question?

Xander: Well. It’s just good to know that when the chips are down and things look grim, you’ll feed off the girl who loves you to save your own ass.

Faith: Miles to go. Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0.

Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside... like I might vomit.

Oz: We attack the Mayor with humus.

Angel: At the hospital, he was grieving. Seriously crazed and not just in a homicidal-I-want-to-be-a-demon way.

Xander: Hey! It's Mr. States the Obvious!

Buffy: Oh good. That’s it. Start bickering. That’ll look great for us. You guys are like little old ladies.

Snyder: Congratulations to the Class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate.

Buffy: Fire bad, tree pretty.

Cordelia: Well, that was the most fun you could have without having any fun.

Buffy: If someone could just wake me when it’s time to go to college, that’d be great.

Willow: Why do demons even come here? I mean, don't they know how bad we are?

Season four

Buffy: I like books... I just don't want to take on too much. Do they have an introduction to the modern blurb?

Buffy: Sorry, Miss I-chose-my-major-in-play-group.

Willow: I've heard about five different issues, and I'm angry about each and every one of them.

Willow: It's just, in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence... It's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and, and spurt knowledge into... That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.

Oz: My band's played here a lot. It's still all new. I don't know what the hell's going on. Hey Doug!

Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?

Buffy: I can't wait till Mom gets the bill for these books. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.

Buffy: You know, this store discriminates against short people.

Buffy: I'm so... the books were just too high, and then everything was bad.

Riley: So, are you girls taking Intro Psych, or do you just want me dead?

Riley: I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion.

Buffy: I'm a little upset. I had it on good authority that this was a party school.

Sunday: The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look... purple.

Sunday: I gotta get me some better lackeys, I swear. You guys are useless.

Buffy: How am I supposed to hunt in this mob? Don't you people have homes?

Guy Vamp: Uh, are we gonna fight, or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally?

Buffy: Is America nice? I hear it's nice.

Xander: Okay, once more, with even less feeling.

Xander: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. No, wait, hold on. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side. Hold on, no... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... Okay, can we forget that?

Xander: When it's dark, and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero. Okay, sometimes when it's dark, and I'm all alone, I'd think, "What is Buffy wearing?"

Xander: And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband.

Buffy: Oh! That's my skirt! You're never gonna fit in it with those hips. We have to kill them.

Sunday: Say, don't I know you from... beating the crap out of you?

Willow: Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then. There's no circumstances.

Buffy: When you look back at this - in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust - I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff.

Buffy: Let me answer that question with a head-butt.

Giles: The evil is this way?

Buffy: I'm looking for something lurky here, Will.

Buffy: Wish me monsters.

Buffy: Alright, why don't you quit hiding and face me like a...thing.

Buffy: Okay, you're not having one of those mid-life things are you? Cause I'm still goin' "ish" from the last time you tried to recapture your youth.

Xander: That's because he got hit by the Buffenator. Now he's powerless.

Willow: He's our grown-up friend. Oh...not in a creepy way.

Buffy: You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.

Oz: No one deserves a mime, Buffy.

Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench...which was lookin' shifty.

Xander: Oh, why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor.

Willow: So Buffy was right all along. Later on, big remorse.

Willow: You know, when you spend all week with a boy, you're allowed to look at him directly.

Buffy: We hung out moderately incessantly.

Willow: Buffy's looking at Parker, who, it turns out, has a reflection, so big plus there.

Harmony: Big snake huh?

Buffy: Bad, bad Buffy.

Parker: I'm not doing the deep "get sympathy" routine. I mean, don't you just hate guys who are all, "I'm dark and brooding, so give me love."

Buffy: I sort of drowned a couple of years ago. But I came back. Obviously.

Giles: My system? It's called the alphabet.

Xander: Anya? The last time I saw you, you were fleeing in terror. How'd that work out for you?

Xander: And there's the whole you used to be a man-killing demon thing. Which, to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours.

Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.

Buffy: This is it. My door. Wood. Maybe some kind of wood veneer.

Oz: Yeah, we came to warn you about the... angry puppy.

Willow: Band-aid, now. Thank you.

Buffy: Harmony's a vampire? She must be dying without a reflection.

Oz: Devon dated her for a while, but she was too flaky for him, which, stop and marvel at the concept.

Buffy: Guy dating Harmony dead. Must be, like, the most tolerant guy in the world.

Spike: Harm, does this look like a good time to talk?

Spike: I like him. He's got... um, what's the word? Vulnerability.

Harmony: Hey, I don't have a pulse. Cool! Can we eat a doctor so I can get a stethoscope and hear my heart not beating?

Spike: We've got an extra set of chains.

Spike: Bite your tongue.

Anya: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face-to-face for the event itself.

Anya: I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not...interlock. Please remove your clothing now.

Xander: And the amazing thing is...still more romantic than Faith.

Buffy: He's not supposed to drink, and I saw him here, you know, in the land of the beer.

Spike: I love syphilis more than you.

Buffy: You know what? I'm an adult and it's none of your business where I was.

Willow: Well, and? Details! I mean, not details, I don't need a diagram. But, you know, like maybe a blurry watercolor.

Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass.

Oz: Okay, either I'm borrowing all your albums, or I'm moving in.

Xander: Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us.

Spike: Isn't it a fantastic day? Birds singin', squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels, sun beamin' down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. Can't wait to see if I freckle.

Spike: The gem of Amarra. Official sponsor of my killing you.

Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.

Spike: Guess you're not worth a second go -- come to think of it, seems like someone told me as much...who was that...oh yeah. Angel.

Harmony: Being a vampire sucks.

Buffy: So, what I'm wondering is, does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?

Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.

Willow: I think you're missing something about the whole poophead principle.

Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.

Oz: Maybe it's because of all the horrific things we've seen, but hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to.

Xander: Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else want to smack that guy?

Buffy: This is an encouragement talk? I thought it was "share my pain"

Buffy: I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'm taking a holiday from dealing. Happily vacationing in the land of not-coping.

Buffy: Willow, I don't want to meet someone. I've reached my quota on someones.

Giles: It's a sombrero.

Frat Guy #1: If we cannot scare the young women, they will not fall into our arms. We'll have womanless arms. Halloween's not about thrills, chills, and funny costumes. It's about getting laid.

Xander: That's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say, and accept them at face value.

Oz: Mi Casio es su Casio.

Xander: Sensing a disturbance in the force, Master?

Joyce: I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm still a little gun-shy. It certainly didn't help that my last boyfriend turned out to be a homicidal robot.

Willow: We have to make sure she has fun. We have to force fun upon her. Yeah, and if Parker shows up, we'll just axe-murder him. That's Halloweenie.

Buffy: Perfect. Everybody's got a date but third-wheel Buffy.

Xander: Ahhh! I wasn't scared. I was in the spirit.

Oz: Cowering in a closet is starting to seem like a reasonable plan.

Xander: I'd offer my opinion, but you jerks aren't going to hear it anyway. Not that didn't-go-to-college boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out with my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care.

Xander: Giles? Hey, everyone, it's Giles. With a chainsaw.

Buffy: This is much better. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.

Anya: Bunnies frighten me.

Buffy: If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent it wouldn’t really be like I killed him, really.

Willow: Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross.

Buffy: Foamy.

Buffy: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.

Xander: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer.

Xander: Well, excuse me Mr. I-Spent-the-60s-in-an-electric-kool-aid-funky-satan-groove.

Buffy: Parker bad.

Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am?

Buffy: Buffy want beer.

Xander: Giles, don’t make caveslayer unhappy.

Buffy: Fire bad.

Buffy: I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying.

Spike: 'Cause the big bad is back.

Xander: Isn't home that empty place you're trying to escape?

Buffy: Color me bored.

Willow: You did better than me. This is so unfair! Oh! You made me jealous of you academically!

Willow: I flog and punish.

Xander: Or the girl caught the guy in one of the 7 annual minutes he is legitimately too preoccupied to…do it.

Buffy: Oz? Oz, are you okay? If it's possible, you seem more monosyllabic than usual.

Buffy: Oz, now might be a good time for your trademark stoicism.

Buffy: Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words.

Willow: Well, that could be a problem cause people: kind of a planetary epidemic.

Oz: My whole life, I've never loved anything else.

Xander: The latest in fall fascism.

Xander: Well, how 'bout this. We whip out the ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient, unstoppable evil…mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. We show up and kick it's ass.

Buffy: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something slutty to wear tonight.

Spike: And 'they' are? The government? The Nazis? A major cosmetics company?

Spike: I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.

Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.

Spike: Sorry, can't stay. Got to go see a girl.

Riley: Gee, I hope I'm not interrupting anything really depressing.

Willow: Okay, say that I help. And you start a conversation, it goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper. One day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops. And it feels like the whole world's made for you two, and you two alone. Until the day, one of you leaves and rips the still beating heart from the other, who is now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.

Willow: I've seen honest faces before. They usually came attached to liars.

Spike: Never, my little…foam latté. Your blondie bear is here to stay.

Spike: Forever and ever…mon petit crême brulé.

Spike: And after that, it's all you and me, my little….mentholated pack of smokes.

Harmony: Spikey, lets leave the Slayer alone. You know she'll only slap you around. And I can do that.

Willow: And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody’s friend.

Willow: Well, you failed extremely well.

Forrest: You know, I hate to say it but they're probably on their way to make crazy naked sex.

Buffy: Who died and made you John Wayne?

Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always, "ooh, you're like a sister to me" or "ooh, you're such a good friend."

Spike: Hmmm, I hate being obvious, all fangy and GRRR. Takes the mystery out.

Buffy: You're a little peculiar.

Buffy: And they say one person can't make a difference.

Buffy: Oh. Very manly. Not at all Village People.

Buffy: Imaginary Xander's quite the machine.

Anya: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon. You look like you're getting all of them.

Anya: We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off.

Giles: Now, this is in no way an elaborate scheme to stick me with the cleanup.

Willow: Hey, is Cordelia really working for you? I mean, cause that's gotta be a...special experience. Of all the people you coulda hired... 

Spike: Can I have someone to eat?

Giles: Oh! Right, yes yes. Um...always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials'.

Buffy: I like my evil like I like my men. Evil! You know, straight up black-hat-tie-you-to-the-train-tracks-soon-my-electro-ray-will-destroy- Metropolis bad!

Willow: They were fluffy indigenous kittens until we came along.

Giles: No, I think perhaps we won't help the angry spirit with his rape and pillage and murder.

Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.

Xander: Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?

Xander: To slaying him? Well, the representative from syphilis votes yay.

Willow: It's true. He had trouble performing.

Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.

Spike: I came to you in friendship - well, alright - seething hatred but I've got useful information and I feel I'm being mistreated.

Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians! You won! Alright? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did and he's not going around saying "I came, I conquered, I feel really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends - you had better weapons and you massacred them. End of story.

Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here, take your bloody pick.

Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute and I think I can eat someone if they're already dead.

Anya: So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?

Angel: I'm not evil again. Why does everybody think that?

Spike: Oh, lay off. You all had a fine meal. But me? An entire siege - you'd think one of you'd bleed a little.

Spike: What happened? Did we win?

Riley: Oh. So, was that a conversation we actually had? Or one I was just practicing?

Buffy: He's...have you seen his arms? Those are...good arms to have.

Buffy: Seeing Angel in LA - even for five minutes - hello to the pain.

Spike: I'm done. Put the telly on.

Spike: I'm trying to remember. It was very traumatic.

Giles: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're impotent or-

Buffy: Giles, help! He's gonna scold me.

Buffy: Look at my poor neck. All bare and tender and exposed. All that blood just pumping away.

Spike: Giles! Make her stop.

Willow: 'Cause you had your hands full with the Undead English Patient?

Spike: What, are you people blind? She's hanging on by a thread. Any ninny could see that.

Willow: I feel like I've been split down the center and half of me is lost.

Giles: You'll do what? Lick me to death?

Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.

Willow: I know I've been sort of a party poop lately. So I said to myself, "Self," I said, "It's time to shake and shimmy it off."

Spike: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.

Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the Big Pile of Dust.

Giles: Stop that right now! I can hear the smacking.

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am *deeply* shamed.

Xander: How? What? How?

Willow: I'm sorry. I'll try for a quiet rage.

Buffy: Spike lips! Lips of Spike! Ugh.

Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.

Little Girl: Can't even shout, can't even cry, the Gentlemen are coming by. Looking in windows, knocking on doors, they need to take 7 and they might take yours. Can't call to mom, can't say a word, you're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard.

Riley: As a psyche major, I'm qualified to go "hmmm".

Xander: Okay…remember how we talked about private conversations, how they're less private when they're in front of my friends?

Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?

Willow: Well, get with it! I need my vicarious smoochies.

Forrest: Thank God we're pretty.

Buffy: You're not looking hard enough.

Riley: Sorry I'm so excited. It's my first earthquake.

Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.

Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the Somebody Sneezed Party and the Day that Ends in Y Party.

Buffy: Oh, I so have a reason. A darned good reason. The last time we had an earthquake, I died.

Buffy: What if the earthquake was a sign? A bad omen and we just ignore it. There's gonna be a lot of red faces when the world comes to an end.

Xander: I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you're not the big bad anymore. You're not even the kinda naughty.

Forrest: Yes, already! She's cool, she's hot, she's tepid. She's all-temperature Buffy. Now can we concentrate on the game here?

Giles: It's the end of the world.

Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.

Buffy: Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun.

Xander: I second that revulsion.

Spike: Goodbye Dru. See you in Hell.

Willow: It's ooky. We know him. We can't just let him poof himself.

Buffy: Fun? The last person I knew that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job.

Spike: Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're her groupies.

Giles: Oh, as usual, dear.

Spike: Me? No. No sir. I'm just an old pal of Xander's here.

Spike: What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. Not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass!

Spike: Come on, vampires. Ungh! Nasty. Lets annihilate them, for justice and for the safety of puppies...and Christmas right. Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!

Anya: I'm bored. Let's eat.

Riley: Ah, I've seen the library. It's gone downhill since you left.

Buffy: Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while.

Buffy: Oh no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.

Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Someplace, you know, dark and dank -- but not as dark and dank as this.

Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies we don't give them my lamp.

Walsh: It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry, and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.

Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.

Ethan: Brilliant! Now isn't this more fun than kicking my ass?

Giles: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her nancy ninja boys come in; six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.

Giles: What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.

Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be--oh, right... the things I can kill.

Giles: You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being killed.

Spike: And I'm supposed to just help you out of the evilness of my heart?

Spike: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.

Spike: Two of them. English like me, but older, less attractive.

Buffy: You're not taking me with you. I am going and I am letting you come along.

Ethan: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay and gloat--gets me every time.

Buffy: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.

Giles: If you don't mind, I'm just going to go and watch them manhandle him into a vehicle.

Xander: You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating.

Willow: Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad after tastelessness.

Anya: Come on, somebody bet already. I've got three 'K' cards.

Anya: Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.

Buffy: ... A Twinkie! That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.

Willow: Everyone's getting spanked but me.

Willow: Wow, I've been trying to find a dolls-eye crystal my entire life. Well, since June, anyway.

Xander: Let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money, take Anya nice places, buy pretty things.

Willow: Irony's kind of ironic that way.

Buffy: Questions. An Initiative faux pas, yes?

Xander: Spike. You may want to give up those morning jogs.

Spike: Because, you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody-freaking cavalry.

Buffy: Professor Walsh? That simple little recon you sent me on - wasn't a raccoon. Turns out it was me, trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.

Spike: Gotta hand it to ya, Goldilocks. You do have bleeding tragic taste in men.

Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad! It's just... I can't bite anymore, thanks to you wankers.

Buffy: Ok you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.

Anya: After everything you've been through with Angel. You know you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander.

Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average.

Buffy: ...That probably would have sounded more convincing if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

Willy: Hey! We got new rules here: no killing.

Anya: Hey! Remember before? No Xander. Not in a boyfriend way or lead-him-to-certain-death way.

Anya: It's not like he was in The 'Nam. He was G.I. Joe for one night!

Xander: Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of a man-sized microwave?

Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?

Buffy: He's the Terminator without the bashful charm.

Forrest: The shish kabob that walks like a man. Looks like you're feeling better, walking around and threatening people and all that.

Xander: Question: will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?

Xander: That's great, Riley, and, you know, there's no polite way to ask you this, but, uh... did they put a chip in your brain?

Willow: Tell you what - you two crazy kids take down an unstoppable killer cyber-demon hybrid thingy, and we'll call it all even.

Riley: I just suck at the whole gray-area thing.

Buffy: I am looking for brain-washy chips in your head.

Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a worst-timing-ever award.

Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.

Willow: Oh, I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her.

Xander: Been there, tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall.

Willow: Yeah, too bad. That was the funnest coma ever.

Willow: It's good you guys have such an honest relationship.

Buffy: I couldn't find her. Don't know exactly where to place that on the luck continuum.

Faith: I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?

Faith: What'd you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, Blondie.

Faith: I wake up to find this blond chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel.

Faith: Payback's a bitch.

Willow: Thanks for coming with. Hunting for a psychopathic super-bitch is definitely in the above-and-beyond category.

Willow: Well, technically, Faith isn't a monster. And as far as fighting, I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face.

Spike: Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch... as she kills you. Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all?

Spike: And here I thought the evening would be dull.

Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already.

Wilkins: But on the other hand, heck, maybe we won. And right now, I'm on some jumbo monitor in the Richard Wilkins Museum, surrounded by a bunch of kids sitting Indian-style and looking up at my face, filled with fear and wonder. Hi, kids!

Wilkins: Don't worry, it's not gonna bite. That's my job.

Wilkins: Here's the good news - just because it's over for my Faith, doesn't mean she can't go out with a bang.

Joyce: Were you planning to slit my throat any time soon?

Buffy: You're not his type. He's not big on sleaze.

Joyce: But maybe, we could spend some time together soon? Some night when I'm not being held hostage by a raving psychotic.

Cop: She's coming to. Man, I want this kid's constitution.

Faith-in-Buffy: Faith is evil.

Willow: I wish those Council guys would let me have an hour alone in the room with her... if I was larger and had grenades.

Anya: We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.

Faith-in-Buffy: I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.

Willow: The Bronze is the coolest place in Sunnydale. Of course, there's not a lot of competition. I think the vending machine at Burgin's came in second.

Tara: She's not your friend.

Willow: You didn't sense a hyena energy at all, did you? 'Cause hyena possession is just... unpleasant.

Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.

Giles: If you are Buffy, then you'll let me tie you up... without killing me... until we find out whether you're telling the truth.

Buffy-in-Faith: Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun.

Buffy-in-Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.

Buffy-in-Faith: And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?

Giles: She understands it better than I do.

Faith-in-Buffy: Someone comes out, you get 'em to safety, unless they've got fangs.

Giles: Damn it, man, we have to get inside! Our, um, uh... our families are in there! Our, um, mothers, and tiny, tiny babies!

Xander: Scampered, like a big bumpy bunny.

Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.

Buffy: A nest. No biggie. I bet I could do it. I mean, I know I could take at least two.

Jonathan: Hey, don't worry about it. Nest full of vampires, you come get me, okay. Box full of puppies, that's more of a judgment call.

Willow: We knocked them deader. 

Willow: I know she's not over the whole Riley sleeping with Faith thing. You know what I mean - Faith's insides in Buffy's outsides, when her insides were out.

Buffy: Now, if Slaying was a competitive sport, then I'd have a chance. You know, we could have figure staking, and speed staking.

Buffy: There's no way he could know. I mean, you don't just look at someone and say, "Hey, that's not your body. Get out of that body with your hands up!"

Jonathan: If you really want it, you can make anything happen.

Buffy: They get into a fistfight; I got a 50 on Anya.

Anya: Let's go have sex now.

Willow: Ha! Buffy, this is Jonathan. You know he doesn't get scared. You talked about it when you gave him the Class Protector award at the Prom.

Anya: You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?

Anya: Oh. Sure. Come in. Make yourself at home. And so on.

Anya: Oh, you're still here. That's nice.

Anya: Oh! Buck up, you. You kill the best. Go you. Kill, Kill.

Anya: Sure, alternate realities. You could have, like, a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like, some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.

Buffy: I was just kind wondering…if maybe…anyone else thought…that Jonathan…was kind of too perfect?

Spike: Ohoho, semi-harsh language from Betty. You're feisty when the big guys standing beside you. Someday, sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on. See you face the evil alone, for once.

Spike: No, but then again, I'm probably lying.

Spike: Hey, what are you doing? You're not supposed to do that.

Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

Anya: Alternate realities are neat.

Anya: And who really did star in The Matrix?

Buffy: Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. I mean...

Buffy: Vampire-Demon tag team. Who says we can't all get along?

Buffy: Vamps hate demons. It's like stripes and polka-dots. Major clashing.

Xander: Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the sex. Well, there should be.

Anya: I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young. Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is something wrong with your body?

Giles: I'm, um, it's a meeting of grown-ups. It couldn't possibly be of any interest to you lot.

Anya: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!

Anya: Oh, now, come on! You're not even bumpy anymore!

Xander: It's kind of embarrassing, which, welcome to the life with Anya.

Spike: You know... you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like... I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?

Spike: It's a terrible thing, love is. I been there myself. Ended badly.

Graham: And I'm the one who got a "D" in Covert Ops.

Xander: We had a little fight. That just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead.

Anya: We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have sex.

Anya: I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis, and now I don't even have that!

Xander: I've put up with a hell of a lot from you, much of that in the last minute...

Anya: Well then, I'm staying too. To show you how much I'm not bothered by you having fun. Because I'll be having more fun!

Xander: Huh. Sometimes I just don't get the sophisticated college lifestyle.

Willow: Ghost boy, drowning in a tub. I tried to save him, but... being a ghost already, well, I was way too late.

Xander: A ghost? What's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties? 'Cause it's not the snacks.

Xander: Anya, look around. There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair.

Spike: I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Asian House is open...

Xander: I'm going back in there, and I'm not coming out until I bring my friend with me….Or... it could be Watcher-time.

Xander: Ummm…could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.

Xander: Sure. Every day the Earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please.

Giles: In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up? Oh, for a different phrasing.

Xander: So, with Buffy and Riley havin'... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock, lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm.

Anya: What good are weapons against disembodied spirits, Xander? They have no ass to kick.

Willow: Transform your pain. Release your past...and uh...get over it.

Buffy: I just had no idea. It's so creepy. He was really singing?

Xander: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau.

Willow: I'm more of a dog person, myself. But I'm not, like, death to all cats.

Tara: I want my room to be Willow-friendly.

Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota - bad Slayer!

Riley: We got demons coming out our ears.

Xander: Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write.

Anya: Everyone's uncomfortable now.

Riley: Whoa! Hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month.

Willow: No. No new guy.

Oz: A woman in Tibet traded it to me for the Radiohead record. Got a lot of mileage out of the barter system.

Willow: So that's it? You keep your inner cool and no more wolfie?

Willow: I'll have the less confusing waffles right now.

Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, you... Oh! Oh.

Spike: The thing about the Slayer is, she is a whiney little thing, but when it comes to the fighting, she does have a slight tendency to win.

Xander: It'd be great if we knew someone dating a man on the inside, someone with connections. Oh, wait!

Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.

Anya: Slap my hand now.

Buffy: Talk later. Stealthy escape now.

Buffy: Quite a day, huh? You woke up to a big bowl of Wheaties, now you're a fugitive.

Oz: But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out, the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book.

Willow: I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are, I won't be surprised... because you're with me, you know?

Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through. And I'm going to make it up to you. Starting right now.

Spike: No! See, you're not getting it Mr. Bits. You're gonna be interestingly dead. Little Miss Tiny's got a habit of bulloxing up the plans of every would be unstoppable badass who sets foot in this town.

Adam: Then why haven't you killed this slayer yet.

Spike: Plus, it'll make her miserable. And I never get tired of that.

Xander: It's not like I hate the guy…just, you know, the guts part of him.

Riley: It's the pants, isn't it? It's okay. I couldn't take me seriously in these things either.

Xander: Give it up for American chipmanship.

Anya: He's a Viking in the sack.

Xander: You know what college is? It's high school only without the actual going to class! Well high school was kinda like that too.

Xander: I'm out there trying to make a living and it's nothing but a huge joke to them. "Xander got fired from Starbucks. Xander got fired from that phone sex line."

Willow: Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as…really difficult pie.

Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?

Buffy: Xander?! Oh, he's the deadest man in deadonia.

Riley: Seriously? That's a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he's good he's all mister billowy coat, king of pain.

Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's gonna kick your ass.

Xander: Just because you're better than us, doesn't mean you can be all superior.

Buffy: So, I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a chosen one and her friends.

Spike: So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back.

Giles: Will you be working here, you know, typing, talking? Because that will be fine.

Anya: Xander. You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning. You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked.

Anya: You're a good person and a good boyfriend, and…and I'm in love with you.

Adam: This is all how she planned it. Except she thought she would be alive.

Spike: Easy, sheriff. Look where you point that thing.

Spike: Look at little Nancy Drew.

Willow: It must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point. That is so annoying! It's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've-- I mean, yippee! We have the information.

Xander: Oddly, Anya decided not to join us despite the fun we had at our last meeting.

Giles: Well, uh, Spike can be very convincing when-when-when... I'm very stupid.

Xander: He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his yayas somehow.

Xander: Spike's working for Adam?!? After all we've done-- Nah, I can't even act surprised.

Willow: Oh, I decrypted them! Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.

Xander: Does anybody else miss the Mayor "I just wanna be a big snake"?

Spike: Now, if you'll just get the chip out of my cranium, I'll be out of your way. And mind the hairline. I don't fancy fussing with a comb-over once I've resumed my killing ways.

Willow: What about magic? Some kind of, I don't know, uranium- extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching.

Xander: So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer-strength, Giles' multilingual know-how, and Willow's witchy-power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions.

Giles: Xander, just because this is never going to work, there's no need to be negative.

Buffy: Yeah, but I think trouble was stir-upable.

Xander: Oh, god, we're gonna die, aren't we?

Colonel: What kind of freaks are you people?

Adam: I do appreciate violence.

UberBuffy: You can never hope to grasp the source of our power. But yours is right here.

Xander: Let the vidfest begin.

Xander: "Apocalypse Now" is a gay romp. It's the feel-good movie of whatever year it was.

Xander: Don't worry. I got plenty of chick-and-British-guy flicks, too.

Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself.

Willow: This isn't "Madame Butterfly", is it? Because I have a whole problem with opera.

Willow: No, I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty.

Xander: I didn't order any vampires.

Giles: Spike's like a son to me.

Giles: Come on, put your back into it. A Watcher scoffs at gravity.

Xander: Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon.

Anya: I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.

Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.

Anya: Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion.

Giles: And try not to bleed on my couch, I just had it steam-cleaned.

Tara: Be back before dawn.

Buffy: Why are you living in the walls?

Riley: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think.

Riley: Buffy, we've got important work here. A lot of filing, giving things names.

Buffy: Let her speak for herself. That's what's done in polite circles.

Buffy: Are you quite finished. It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really going to have to get over the whole primal power thing. You're not the source of me. Also, in terms of hair care, you really want to say, what kind of impression am I making in the workplace? 'Cause...

Buffy: Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know where the hell that came from.

Season five

Willow: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.

Xander: The fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.

Willow: Just call me the computer whisperer.

Willow: I guess... now that I know there's something to know I can't not know just because I'm afraid somebody'll know I know... you know?

Willow: What? But you can't. You're Buffy's Watcher... I mean, in a fired way.

Willow: But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched. Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.

Buffy: Well, vamps don't really care what time it is. You know, dark equals dinner bell.

Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?

Buffy: And you're sure this isn't a fan boy thing? Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.

Xander: Nice! Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.

Xander: And where'd you get that accent? Sesame Street?

Xander: And Buffy's all 'Look out' and friggin' Dracula is standing right behind us.

Buffy: No, his eyes were...there was no penetration...cross my heart.

Xander: I wonder if he knows Frankenstein?

Anya: Oh, we hung out a few times. Back in my demon days. You know, once or twice. He's pretty cool. You know, from a whole evil-thing perspective.

Xander: Blood! Yes! Yes! I will serve you, your excellent spookiness.

Dracula: You are strange and off-putting.

Spike: I’m saying… You should go home to your superhoney. Have a nice, safe snog. You’re out of your depth on this one, boy.

Buffy: You can just waft in here with your rock music-video wind and hypno--eyes.

Xander: Like any of that’s enough to fight the dark master -- bator.

Xander: I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince -- bator.

Willow: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb? Avoid white skinned men in capes.

Xander: I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?

Xander: Master, I deliver the Slayer. She who you most desire. Sorry -- "whom".

Buffy: Maybe I should rethink that thrall thing.

Giles: Oh! Good show, Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change.

Buffy: Wow... That was gross.

Buffy: You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship.

Giles: Thank god you came. There was no possible escape… Oh, my shoe. Silly me, I’ll just pop…

Buffy: A guy like you should think about going electric. Seriously.

Buffy: How do you like my darkness now?

Xander: Where is he! Where's the creep that turned me into a spider eating man-bitch?

Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!

Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.

Buffy: I need to know more. About where I come from, about the other slayers. I mean, maybe ... maybe if I could learn to control this thing, I could be stronger, I could be better. But ... I'm scared. I know it's gonna be hard. And I can't do it ... without you. I need your help. I need you to be my Watcher again.

Joyce: Buffy, if you're going out why don't you take your sister?

Dawn: Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires -- they die from a splinter.

Dawn: Yeah, mom, I’m not going to Hogwarts… Geez, crack a book sometime.

Riley: What? It's a nice outfit. Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.

Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.

Buffy: There's a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that?

Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?

Giles: Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.

Dawn: They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.

Buffy: Look like someone's put together a new fang club.

Giles: I bet the death-rate keeps the rent down.

Harmony: Good job, minions!

Dawn: Xander's so much cuter than anyone. And smarter, too. He totally skipped college, and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of... deep, you know? He builds things.

Xander: We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don't know his name.

Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.

Riley: Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.

Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Xander: What could be funny? Just, "Look out! It's a terrifying Harmony gang! Ooh!"

Anya: A Slayer's house should have more weapons lying around.

Harmony: What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing.

Spike: Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.

Buffy: I mean, please, I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.

Harmony: Once again, nice work, minionators!

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.

Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.

Dawn: Anya's going to be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out.

Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Buffy: [to Dawn] Don't break anything. Just don't touch anything. What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.

Dawn: She still thinks I'm little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.

Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?

Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.

Anya: We can have the Scooby meetings in the living room. And Giles can explain the boring things... over there.

Xander: I guess I'll start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.

Giles: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious so I say Bravo for me!

Xander: So you bought the Magic Shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swinging chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?

Buffy: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?

Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.

Riley: People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.

Willow: I found a spell so you can’t smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose of, so… no.

Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I’m scavenging.

Xander: What am I doing in there?!

Spike: Oh, Slayer. One of these days.

Xander: Welcome to payback Mr. Evil-Plan-Face-Stealer.

Xander: She's coming on to him!...Me!

Xander: He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy.

Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and I know....Okay! On my seventh birthday I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you were real nice about it and then the house next door burnt down and then real fire trucks came and for years I thought you set the fire. And if you did, you could tell me.

Xander: Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy dance.

Xander: When I get to the pearly gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in."

Giles: I swear this time I know I had that locked.

Buffy: If Xander kills himself, he's dead...you know what I mean.

Xander: He can't be me. He's all fancy.

Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?

Anya: Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together and then, you know, slap them back together in the morning.

Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.

Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Anya: Yes, I’m feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure.

Anya: Me? Buffy has super-strength. Why don’t we just load her up like one of them little horses?

Riley: But she doesn't love me.

Spike: And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?

Spike: Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy is entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow.

Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose-blood, you know what? I’m too grossed out to hear anything you have to say.

Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalise, and drink deep.

Buffy: Don't worry, Will, you still wear the smarty-pants in the family.

Buffy: I'm starting to think this working hard is hard work.

Willow: Oh, I feel like a witch in a magic shop!

Giles: No, these are salamander eyes, it’s the… cataracts that gives them their newt-like appearance.

Xander: I'm the dummy man! I mean, I made the dummy.

Buffy: You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all rolled up into one. Q from Bond, not Star Trek.

Spike: Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?

Harmony: I am totally her atch-nemesis!

Harmony: I am a villain, Spike, hello!

Joyce: You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal. You are growing up.

Willow: What about a crossword? Some people say feed a cold, I say puzzle it.

Buffy: The guy's really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way.

Spike: I’ve got a proposition for you, what about knocking? Seems only fair since we vamps can’t enter your flat without an invite, you could at least – Say, look at those pretty pieces of paper.

Spike: Oh dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die?

Spike: Bathe in the Slayer's blood. I've gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke.

Harmony: Oops.

Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she’s there! That nasty little face, that… bouncing shampp-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude. She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I’m her pet project. Drive Spike round the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture. You don’t understand. I can’t get rid of her. She’s everywhere. She’s haunting me, Harmony! This… has got to end.

Spike: Buffy I love you. God, I love you so much. …Oh, god, no. Please, no.

Dawn: Willow! You gotta see this! They have the coolest talismens… mans… talisguys.

Willow: I can’t help it. I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn . . . 'cause she’s, you know, a big spaz.

Ben: Ben. But you can call me man-nurse. Everybody else here does.

Anya: I’m sorry. I’m nearly out of money. I never had to afford things before and it’s making me bitter.

Xander: I hear ya. Stay British. You’ll be okay.

Xander: Anya, the shopkeepers union of America called; they want me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."

Buffy: You’re not my sister.

Spike: Out. For. A. Walk…Bitch.

Spike: On your merry way, then? You know, contrary to one’s self-involved worldview, your house happens to be directly between parts and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I’m outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.

Spike: Satisfied? I really hope so, 'cause god knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard, and -- and, I never really liked you anyway, and -- and you have stupid hair!

Xander: I’ll see your numbness and I’ll raise you a lower back pain.

Giles: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Seems so much simpler.

Glory: You hit me! What, are you crazy?

Glory: I just noticed something. You have super powers. That is so cool. Can you fly?

Xander: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might've been Latin.

Anya: Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. Please come again for more purchases!

Buffy: She was kinda like Cordelia, actually. I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair.

Giles: And you are talking about what on earth?

Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.

Buffy: Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits.

Riley: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud.

Glory: A slayer?? Oh god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! How unbelievably common! If I had friends, and they heard about this...

Buffy: She's a hair-puller.

Spike: I don't care what happens.

Anya: What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society.

Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.

Buffy: Well, at least no major organs got kebabed.

Buffy: Don’t worry. Accelerated healing powers come with the Slayer package. And the boyfriend who comes complete with combat medical training? That’s just a Buffy Summers bonus.

Joyce: I'm fine, bordering on chipper, and tomorrow planning on being obnoxious.

Dawn: Oh sure. I save your butt and you dump all your chores on me.

Buffy: I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package, but I want mine to be a long time from now.

Spike: Ow! Wait, not "ow." Are you feeling all right, Slayer? This stuff usually hurts.

Spike: You know, there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them.

Spike: Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers, and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.

Spike: As I thought. Some nasty thing got a taste of you.

Spike: What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.

William: Quickly, I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for "gleaming"? It's a perfectly perfect word, as many words go, but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see.

Guy: I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!

Cecily: That's the problem. You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me.

Dru: And I wonder what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?

Dru: Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory. That, and burning baby fish swimming all around your head.

Spike: Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time.

Angelus: A real kill, a good kill, it takes pure artistry. Without that, we're just animals.

Spike: One... good... day.

Spike: Lesson the second: Ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat them? Question isn't how'd I win. The question is, why'd they lose?

Spike: Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the day I die?

Spike: Sooner or later... you're gonna want it. And the second--the second that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson.

Spike: Did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to.

Spike: Come on, I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance.

Buffy: Say it's true. Say I do want to... it wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me.

Spike: Beneath me. I'll show her. Put her six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish. Bitch won't need one.

Harmony: Okay, I'm trying to be supportive here, so don't drive a stake through my heart like last time. But you can't kill Buffy. She's the Slayer. She is so gonna kick your ass.

Drusilla: I have to find my pleasures, Spike. You taste like ashes.

Joyce: You know the nothing that I've been dealing with the last couple of weeks? It might not be nothing.

Spike: Is there something I can do?

Tara: "Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs." Catchy.

Anya: That's what I've been saying. I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!

Spike: Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region.

Xander: Our circles are going around in circles. We've got dizzy circles here, Giles.

Xander: Well hey, if it means I don't have to read any more, woo! And might I add a big hoo!

Dawn: You know ... "my boyfriend's a vampire" crazy crazy. Every day was like the end of the world. She doesn't get all worked up like that over you.

Joyce: Listen, you two, I know this creamed spinach is pretty delicious, but I promise I won't be offended if you go out for some real food.

Buffy: You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.

Willow: Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy.

Willow: Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish.

Willow: This is an extra special gift for your mom that I know she'll need: a beer hat!

Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to... break things by looking at 'em?

Willow: You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but they made me feel like... like I was in space, part of the stars.

Joyce: I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push buttons at the crosswalk that are supposed to make the signal change.

Xander: Oh, yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.

Riley: Believe me, something jumps out at me in the dark, you'll hear me even without the phone.

Willow: I don't want to be the one that finds the bodies anymore.

Xander: Look at how teeny Mercury is, compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the cars of the same name...

Giles: Demons enter our world in all sorts of different ways. This one came from above.

Xander: Meteor go boom, crazy guy go bye-bye.

Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will turn out badly.

Xander: How about a movie? They're showing 'em in theaters now. I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor.

Dawn: That's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. The only reason I'm sleeping over here is so Buffy and Riley can boink.

Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual I'm here to help you and - are you naked under there?

Giles: And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization - I am a purveyor of it.

Anya: Who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.

Spike: Girl needs some monster in her man, and it's not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go.

Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And then sometimes I think I've got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her... To be all alone even when you're holding her, feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you, the scent of -- no, you've got the better deal.

Xander: I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw you get into this skirmish... I was going to lend a hand - but you seemed to grow a few extra ones.

Xander: I need to say something to you. I should have said it a long time ago. I mean, you may not even know... I love you, Anya, more every day. I love the way you see things. I love the way you work a cash register and how beautiful you are - and how amazingly sweet and crazy you can be at the same time... I can't imagine my days without you - and I wouldn't want to.

Anya: Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. Big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like on a bomb in a movie. And there's this whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one and then at the last second... no... the *red* one and click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left. Then you don't leave. Like that, okay?

Buffy: Don't talk about their books again. You get all... and sometimes there's drool.

Tara: I'm envious, Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. Unless you're English.

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.

Willow: He's not a ball of sunshine.

Willow: Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind. But still.

Xander: They get in these fights and then they're both looking to me, like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow will get this look. This "what the hell do you see in her" look.

Spike: Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you note. I mean, look at all these lovely blood-covered people, I could... but not a taste for Spike. Not a lick. Knew you wouldn't like it.

Willow: Hello, gay now!

Olaf: HA HA! YOU FIGHT WELL, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A TINY MAN!

Xander: No! You are one crazy troll! I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend! That's insane troll-logic!

Willow: Anya, listen. I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.

Anya: Your menacing stance is merely mildly alarming and your roar is less than full-throated!

Olaf: DESIST! MY GOD, WOMAN, IT'S BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU ARE YET AS AGGRAVATING AND EMASCULATING AS EVER YOU WERE!

Anya: Yes. Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way 'cuz she's gay, and she won't break us up so it's all okay.

Buffy: They put me through that test, and it almost killed me. And then, when I was Faith, they almost killed me again. Honestly, I really can't handle almost being killed right now.

Giles: You all stand around and look somber. Good job.

Giles: You used to pay me. If you recall, firing me was not my idea.

Buffy: There was also near consensus about Columbus, you know, until someone asked the Vikings what they were up to in the 1400s, and they're like, "discovering this America-shaped continent."

Buffy: Giles, that Travers guy is like sixty. I can't hit him. Can I?

Anya: Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, twenty years old. Born on the fourth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.

Willow: We're in love. We're ... lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.

Philip: So, you have no special skills, or powers, or knowledge that you bring to the mix. Neither of you.

Buffy: Spike, I need an answer. Now. In or out? You're the only one strong enough to protect them.

Joyce: I, I love what you've, um, neglected to do with the place.

Buffy: You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.

Buffy: The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.

Anya: I can help with the research. I know way more about demon dimensions than Giles. Well I do.

Buffy: You always think harder is better. Maybe next time I patrol, I should carry bricks and use a stake made out of butter.

Buffy: Dawn, Glory is powerful, evil and is no way prettier than me.

Buffy: You are very, very wise. Now gimmie gimmie gimmie!

Xander: Me? Me not weird.

Spike: Wasn't lurking - I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe.

Spike: Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye, all warm and safe where nothing can eat you?

Spike: She probably would have skipped off anyway, even if she never found out. She's not just a blob of energy - she's also a fourteen-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now? Spin the bloody wheel. You'll find her, just in the nick of time. That's what you hero types do. You'll find her.

Buffy: He's! Not! My! BOYFRIEND!

Xander: Hey, uh, Evil Dead, you're in my seat.

Xander: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice.

Buffy: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is, it is dangerous, and ... icky.

Buffy: He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on something that is ... dead, and, and evil, and a vampire.

Dawn: Oh, come on. You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike is completely in love with you.

Buffy: She was hanging out with Spike. I think she has a crush on him.

Spike: A d- Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean - Do you want it to be?

Drusilla: A happy memory, pretty Spike. Look who’s come to make everything right again.

Buffy: Well, I... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base.

Willow: If you want, Buffy, I can go with. Back you up with some scowling.

Spike: No, look at me! I...love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut... my throat.. I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you.

Drusilla: We can love quite well. If not wisely.

Buffy: Spike... The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.

Drusilla: That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson.

Spike: No, it's not that easy. We have something, Buffy. It's not pretty, but it's real, and there's nothing either one of us can do about it.  

Xander: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.

Xander: Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in love with you.

Xander: This is the day you choose to hug me?

Buffy: Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I am not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends, and they both left. Really left. Left town left.

Tara: I go online sometimes, but... everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's... depressing.

Anya: Yes. I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.

Anya: I'll show you. You can also see the website I designed for the magic shop. Huge photo of me.

Anya: She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.

Anya: Xander got hypnotized by the strange girl. I am remaining calm, however.

Spike: Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.

Buffy: Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.

Joyce: I left my bra in his car.

Xander: Beautiful girl with ... no other thought but to please you ... willing to do anything...Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but...he'd get it.

Dawn: A robot? Really? Was it Ted? 'Cause I always said there could have been more than one of him.

Giles: We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy. Clear out of here. And Spike, this thing... Get over it.

Buffy: She growls? You made her so she growls?

Buffy: Clouds and lemonade, huh?

Xander: How're you doing there, Will? Are you in the barf club?

Tara: Oh, baby, do you want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... stop explaining things.

Anya: No, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.

Anya: But I don't *understand*! I don't understand how this all happens, how we go through this, I mean I knew her and then she's, there's just a body, I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead, it's stupid, it's mortal and stupid, Xander's crying and not talking and I was having fruit punch and I thought that Joyce would never have any more fruit punch and she'd never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever and no one will explain...

Willow: Xander... Where'd your hand go?

Anya: I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice and now we all hurt.

Spike: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand.

Spike: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. Didn't put on airs. Always had a nice cuppa for me… And she never treated me like a freak.

Anya: Well, I just feel like I understand sex more. It isn't just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life.

Anya: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you. But I could, we could. Life could come out of love and our smooshing and that's beautiful… It all makes me feel like we're part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow, you know?

Buffy: How's forever? Is forever good for you?

Anya: Don't you watch television? I - thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.

Anya: Ring sales - with the money? She gets to fondle the money?

Spike: Then don't go guessing at stuff you don't understand. And Buffy never hears about this, okay? She found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest.

Spike: Don't like to see Summers women take it so hard on the chin, is all.

Spike: Well, look at that - bitty Buffy.

Buffy: Well, who's going to be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you thought about that? Who's going to make things better? Who's going to take care of us?

Buffy: Hey, Dawn? If there's any dishes in your room, let's have 'em before they get furry and we have to name them.

Giles: Go. Quest.

Buffybot: I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.

Buffybot: Xander! And… Anya! How's your money?

Anya: In the movies, when someone goes crazy, they slap 'em.

Buffybot: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches.

Buffybot: Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.

Spike: Damn right I'm impure, I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow! Let me go!

Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled...

Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think you are.

Buffybot: Say, look at you! You look like me! We're very pretty.

Buffy: No! Stop imagining! All of you!

Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. Killing him is the only way. We're the Slayer and that's what we do. But you should see him naked.

Dawn: We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.

Buffy: Xander, please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.

Spike: Buffy - the other… the not-as-pleasant Buffy. Something happened to Dawn it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her being in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

Buffy: What you did for me, and Dawn, that was real. And I'll never forget it.

Anya: That's right, foreigner.

Xander: And that's cool too. Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as...as your... You know, I'm searching for 'supportive things' and I'm coming up all bras. So. Something slightly more manly preferably, think of me as that. Seriously, whatever you need.

Buffy: I try. My foot's not used to being put down. I want you to do it. Can't you be the foot-putting-downer?

Willow: I know it is. And I'm a big fan of school. You know me, I'm all: 'Go school, it's your birthday'! Or something to that effect.

Tara: Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off class if your head was on fire.

Tara: No, please, if I... I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll say it again, probably often and in public.

Willow: Well I took Psyche 101 -- I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation right before the final -- but I know what a Freudian slip is.

Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.

Spike: Well, I'm not good and I'm okay.

Glory: Did anybody order an apocalypse?

Spike: So, you're saying a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning to go out and spill herself a few pints of God blood until you...explained?

Spike: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.

Dawn: Yeah, like eggplant is normal. It's what - half-egg, half-plant? 'Cause that's just unnatural.

Anya: We should drop a piano on her. It always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment.

Anya: Shouldn't somebody be asking if we're there yet? That's what small irritating children do, don't they?

Anya: He doesn't travel well. He's like fine shrimp.

Spike: Yeah, no biggie. Look, skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play peek-a-boo with Mr. Sunshine all you want. Keep the ride from getting boring.

Dawn: You're not fleeing. You're... moving at a brisk pace.

Willow: Don't hurt the horsies!

Xander: We got company -- and they brought a Crusade!

Spike: We've got to do something! I can't just sit here watching. You waste time with kid gloves. I'm willing to gamble when all's said and done - Buffy likes it rough.

Willow: Buffy's out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon she's gonna use Dawn to tear down the barrier between every dimension there is so if you two want to fight, you do it after the world ends. 'kay? Alright. First, we head back to Sunnydale. Xander'll take Giles to a hospital. Anya's looking after Tara, and Spike: - you find Glory. Check her apartment, first, see if she's still there. Try anything stupid like payback and I will get very cranky. Everyone clear? Or do we have questions?

Spike: Uh, Will? Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but -

Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?

Giles: Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there could be any kind of link between Ben and Glory?

Willow: Hey. I know you. You're that first original Slayer who tried killing us all in our dreams. How've you been?

Willow: No. And I think we already deja'd this vu.

Spike: 'Cause it's always gotta be blood.

Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going, makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.

Willow: We'll solve this. We will. Don't have another coma, okay?

Spike: When you say you love us *all*...

Dawn: And I wish you'd fall on your head and drown in your own barf, so I guess we're both having frowny days.

Buffy: How many apocalypses is this for us?

Buffy: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much... but I knew. What was right. I don't have that any more. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices, if everything's just stripped away then I don't see the point.

Anya: No, you see, usually, when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god and worry terribly that something might happen to you, and also worry that something'll happen to me and then I have guilt that I'm not more worried bout everyone else but I just don't have enough, I'm just on total overload and I honestly don't think anything could make me more nervous than I am right now.

Anya: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die! And, and, you think it's romantic and sexy and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it, cause the world's gonna end!

Willow: I'm your - I never was a gun... someone else should be the gun, I could maybe be a cudgel, or pointy stick...

Spike: I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man, and that's...

Buffy: You don't seem very well. Do you need to lie down and have a tonic?

Buffy: I notice that you're talking, whereas in your position I would attack me.

Glory: Wow... the Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?

Buffy: Glory... You're not the *brightest* god in the heavens, are you?

Spike: Doesn't a fellow stay dead when you kill 'im?

Doc: I don't smell a soul anywhere on you... why do you even care?

Spike: I made a promise to a lady.

Giles: No she couldn't. Never. And sooner or later, Glory will re-emerge and make Buffy pay for that mercy, and the world with her. Buffy even knows that, and still she wouldn't take a human life. Because she's a hero, you see. She's not like us.

Buffy: Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But this is the work I have to do. Tell Giles I... I figured it out. And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS
1981-2001
BELOVED SISTER, DEVOTED FRIEND
SHE SAVED THE WORLD
A LOT

Season six

Giles: I'm fine. I just need to need to... die... for a minute...

Tara: It's Sobri root! It's supposed to confuse him but it kinda just made him peppy. It's not supposed to mix with anything -- do you think he might be taking prescription medication?

Xander: Great googely moogely Willow you've got to quit doing that!

Spike: Oooh. Poor watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? "Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea..."

Xander: Okay. When I'm marveling at the immaturity? Be scared.

Spike: No. I'm not leaving you to get hurt. Not again.

Tara: You found the last known Urn of Osiris on E-Bay?

Tara: You said 'Willow should be boss.'

Buffybot: I think Spike stopped liking me.

Willow: He just gets cranky. Like vampires do.

Anya: I just think the concept of "chi" is a little tough for her to grasp. She's not the descendant of a long line of mystical warriors - she's the descendant of a toaster oven.

Willow: We just wanted you to know we'll be okay. We'll miss you - but we'll be okay.

Anya: Less talk, more running away.

Xander: Yep. We got trouble. Right here in Hellmouth City. And our very own Robo-Buffy led them right to us.

Willow: Um, Xander, that's not the North Star. It's an airplane.

Xander: And how long have you known your girlfriend was Tinkerbell?

Xander: Maybe they're on their way here. I mean, this place is NORAD when we're at DefCon One… I so need male friends.

Xander: Tara. Nice axing.

Anya: I was being sarcastic. I think we screwed it up and she's broken.

Spike: Thank God. You scared me half to death... or more to death. I could kill you!

Spike: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?

Spike: Hundred forty-seven days yesterday... um, one-forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it?

Anya: Well, yeah. The jet-lag from hell has gotta be, you know, the jet-lag from hell.

Spike: The thing about magic? There's always consequences. Always.

Willow: Um. I'm not sure. Glad, but ... kinda weirded out, you know? Which I get. Lots of "dear lords… I think I actually heard him cleaning his glasses.

Xander: It was very bad. Very very very very very very bad. Bad.

Buffy: I miss Giles.

Anya: I found a 24-hour place for coffee. Remember that bookstore? Well they became one of those books-and-coffee places and now they're just coffee. It's like evolution only without the getting-better part.

Willow: I'm sure you looked really glamorous cutting up your face.

Spike: You should be careful. Never know what kind of villain's got a knife at your back.

Spike: I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I'd done that... even if I didn't make it, you wouldn't've had to jump. I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways... Every night I save you.

Willow: Think of it like, the world doesn't like you getting something for free. We asked for this huge gift -Buffy - and the world said, fine. If you get that, you have to take this too ... and it made the demon.

Anya: Great. So now what? We can only talk in anti-demon secret code?

Dawn: Huh. That's probably the sort of thing I'm not s'posed to see, right?

Buffy: That's okay. I can be alone with you here.

Spike: Well, I haven't been to a Helldimension just of late, but I know a thing or two about torment.

Buffy: Wherever I... was... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form... but I was still *me*, you know? And I was warm and I was loved... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about dimensions or theology or any of ...but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not.

Buffy: But, I haven't spent any money. I was all dead and frugal.

Buffy: Easy. We burn the house to the ground, collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty.

Buffy: I'm kidding. Guys. It's bills. It's money. It's scraps of paper sent by bureaucrats we've never even met, okay? Not the end of the world. Which is too bad, cause that, I'm really good at.

Xander: What are you talking about? Not on your side? Anya! I am your side!

Willow: Okay - let me make you mad again. Ready? Um, um... Last semester? I slept with Riley.

Anya: God, I hate this. This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I'm closer to it!

Buffy: You do research now? You want a cappuccino, maybe a pack of cigarettes to go with that?

Giles: My God, Buffy. You're alive. You're here. And you're still... Remarkably strong.

Buffy: I take some getting used to. I'm still getting used to me.

Anya: Giles! God, we are so glad to see you. We missed you. You can't have the store back.

Warren: Between the three of us, we can do pretty much anything.

Andrew: But I don't want to kill Buffy, either!

Giles: Oh, there are others in the world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them.

Willow: You're right. The Magicks I used are incredibly powerful. I'm incredibly powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.

Spike: Want me to take 'em out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little.

Buffy: Why are you always around when I'm miserable?

Andrew: I still can't believe it. We did it! We can do anything. We, we can stay up all night if we wanna.

Giles: Well; now I know I'm back in America as I've been knocked unconscious.

Buffy: Who'd be calling? Everyone I know lives here.

Willow: I'm a breast girl myself. But, then again, you knew that.

Buffy: Um, so I-I was thinking about re-enrolling, but I missed the registration cutoff. Busy being dead and all.

Buffy: You call your teacher Mike? Boy, school sure has changed since my day.

Buffy: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like, introduction to pies, or maybe advanced walking.

Xander: Okay, first tip of the day. When I introduce you to Tony the foreman? You might wanna leave out stuff about blacking out and evil lint.

Andrew: Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and ... now she's some kind of ... selling stuff person?

Jonathan: Stop touching my magic bone!

Anya: Don't worry, don't be nervous. Do what I do, just picture yourself naked.

Andrew: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.

Buffy: Life is stupid.

Spike: You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.

Spike: Come on, someone's gotta stake me.

Warren: You're insane. You're short, and you're insane.

Buffy: What? I'm not getting into a bar fight! I'll beat 'em up for information, great, but not to defend your right to gamble for kittens! Which, by the way, is stupid currency.

Buffy: Be free, kittens!

Buffy: Tonight sucks! And, and look at me! Look at, look at stupid Buffy! Too dumb for college, and, and, and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And, and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even *before* the hour that wouldn't end! And the only person I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.

Jonathan: Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.

Anya: Everything on this table’s half-off. Including the table.

Anya:This is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don’t have wings. We just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.

Anya: But you get to dress up and play games. Xander’s gonna teach me a new one after work called Shiver Me Timbers. Ever heard of it?

Buffy: Don’t blame me if we have this conversation over and over and over and over and over.

Buffy: Oh! Bell. Neck. Look into it.

Spike: What? I was gonna pay for it… I mean, no, I was gonna nick it cause that’s what I do.

Spike: You like a bit of the rough and tumble?

Spike: Not like I don’t already have plans. Great Pumpkin’s on in 20.

Buffy: So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me.

Giles: He [Xander] kept poking me with is hook. I sent him over to Charmed objects. With any luck, he’ll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternate dimension inhabited by a 50-foot Giles that squishes annoying teeny pirates.

Buffy: Yeah? What about costumes that take over your personality? Or wee little Irish fear demony thingies?

Xander: Store go boom.

Anya: The dance of capitalistic superiority.

Buffy: Is that why you’re always cleaning your glasses? So you don’t have to see what we’re doing?

Buffy: Over my dead body. The kind that doesn’t come back.

Giles: Anya’s a wonderful former vengeance demon. I’m sure you’ll spend many years of non-hell dimension bliss.

Buffy: All that matters is that they’re happy. Everything else is thick-gravy goodness.

Willow: Hey, we were just getting our dance on.

Willow: Well, not me at 15. Cause, hello? Spaz.

Giles: Mist. Cemetery. Halloween. This should end well.

Buffy: Were you parking? With a vamp?

Anya: It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower. Where do we order obscenely muscular male strippers?

Buffy: So did anybody... last night, did anybody um... burst into song?

Xander: Merciful Zeus!

Giles: That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps.

Willow: We did a whole duet about dish washing.

Xander: See, okay that was disturbing.

Buffy: Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish, yet affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here and that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies.

Tara: Oh, my god... I'm cured! I want the boys!

Anya: Of course! Clearly our number is a retro pastiche that's never going to be a breakaway pop hit.

Xander: Work with me, British man. Give me an axe and show me where to point it.

Spike: The sun sets and she appears. Come to serenade me?

Dawn: Math. It seemed cooler when we were singing about it.

Buffy: Yeah, I'm pretty spry for a corpse.

Buffy: So... Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.

Spike: You should go back inside. Finish the big group-sing. Get your kum-bay-yayas out.

Spike: We... we kissed, you and me. All Gone With The Wind, with the rising music, and the rising... music, and what was that, Buffy?

Spike: I know what kind of girl you really are. Don't I.

Loan Shark: She's funny. I like funny in a girl.

Buffy: If I were to stop saving his life, it would simple things up so much.

Anya: Do you think she... walked around on clouds, wearing like... Birkenstocks and played a harp? 'Cause those are just not flattering. You know, the clonky sandals, not a harp. I mean, who... doesn't look good with a harp?

Xander: You are attractive and have many good qualities.

Xander: Not a problem, the cold only makes me stronger and more macho-like.

Giles: Magic! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. Except I seem to be British, don't I? Uh, and a man. With ... glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably.

Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!

Giles: And you do inspire a, um... particular feeling of... familiarity and... disappointment.

Spike: Father. Oh, god, how I must hate you.

Giles: Old? You little twerp, I'm young enough to still get carded.

Spike: 'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!

Spike: Looks like Joan fancies herself the boss.

Spike: Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.

Anya: Bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan.

Buffy: I think I know why Joan's the boss. I'm like a superhero or something!

Buffy: All right. You work on that then. We need to go. Ready, Randy?

Spike: How can you say - I, me, a vampire? No.

Spike: And I bite yours. So how come I don't wanna bite you? And why am I fightin' other vampires? I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul.

Buffy: A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?

Spike: I'm a hero really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life and then to rise above it. To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us...natural enemies, thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me.

Anya: Sensible! You think it's sensible for me to go down into that pit of cotton-top hell, and let them hippity-hop all over my vulnerable flesh?

Giles: Fine, then just stay up there and keep making bunnies! That's a capital plan!

Anya: Oh, bugger off, you brolly.

Willow: A little confused. I mean, I'm... all sweaty... and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire... And I think I'm kinda gay.

Anya: Don't blame me, you snobby, snotty, thinks he's so great kind of jerk... and I feel compelled to take some vengeance on you.

Buffy: Wow. A mugging. Haven't gotten one of those in a while. Usually it's blood, and with the horror ... just a good old-fashioned mugging. Kinda sweet actually.

Buffy: Not too sweet for you either, huh? But come on, rush me. It'll be funny.

Buffy: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.

Spike: You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they'd at least make it so I could attack criminals and that sort.

Buffy: Just have to get your rocks off fightin' demons.

Buffy: And to that, an extreme 'see you later.'

Willow: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.

Buffy: Okay, well, at least, you know, let me make up the, the couch for you? It's late, you should stay here. Everybody does.

Amy: It's crazy, all the things that've happened since I went away. Snyder got eaten by a snake ... high school got destroyed... People getting frozen ... Willow's dating girls ... and did you hear about Tom and Nicole?!

Buffy: Look. I'm sorry, okay? I'm-I'm sorry if you thought that it meant more.

Anya: Oh, for crying out loud. This is bizarre. You're all, 'la la la!' with, with the magic, and the not talking, like everything's normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you and now everyone's scared to say anything to you. Except me. Is this that thing I do that you were commenting-

Spike: Help me out here, Spock, I don't speak loser.

Spike: Nothing wrong with me. Something wrong with her.

Willow: Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia.

Anya: Let's face it, we're not gonna find this thing because it doesn't exist. There's no such thing as a frost monster who eats diamonds.

Xander: We need new brains.

Spike: Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.

Spike: I was talking shop, luv, but if you got other ideas ... you, me, cozy little tomb with a view...

Xander: So, what did Captain Peroxide want?

Anya: Yeah, even the ones that weren't so boring you wanted to kill yourself.

Anya: Optimism. I remember optimism. 

Spike: Guess what I just found out. Looks like I'm not as toothless as you thought, sweetheart.

Spike: Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong.

Buffy: Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?

Buffy: You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me ... because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?

Spike: Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?

Buffy: When ... When did the building fall down?

Spike: I knew. I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be f-

Spike: Well, I wouldn't throw stones, pet. You seem to be quite the groupie yourself.

Spike: So, what now? You go back to treating me like dirt till the next time you get an itch you can't scratch? Well, forget it. Last night changed things. I'm done being your whipping boy.

Spike: I may be dirt, but you’re the one who likes to roll in it.

Dawn: It's okay. You should rest. You're beat from monster-wrestling all night.

Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.

Anya: I can't decide whether to put my bridesmaids in cocktail dresses ... or the traditional burlap with blood larva.

Anya: At least I'm not asking you to perform the groom's rite of self-flagellation.

Rack: No. No, I mean you… have power, girl. It’s just coming off you in waves.

Dawn: Are you kidding? It was like a meat party in my mouth. Okay, now I'm just a kid, and even I know that came out wrong.

Spike: Someone should teach you how to use candles in foreplay, luv.

Buffy: Get dressed. Dawn's missing.

Willow: The magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff.

Buffy: Couldn't find a less flammable time of day to take a stroll? 

Xander: Still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen! Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. Well, unless she's a simpleton like Harmony, or a, or a nut sack like Drusilla- 

Spike: Oh, right! Uh ... hey! Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis. Like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it. 

Anya: [Inviting D'Hoffryn] We have to, he's my ex-boss! You're inviting your work buddies. 

No-Show Buffy: Willow's still a wreck, Dawn's mad at both of us, and the social services lady put me through a wringer. Says she's gonna watch me. I'd like to see her try now. 

No-Show Buffy: You know, there may be an upside to no-see-me. 

Anya: Why would anyone make her invisible anyway? I mean, invisible Slayer's gotta be way more effective than the standard variety. 

Willow: We...are talking. Well, I'm talking and you're looking at me funny. 

Willow: Buffy's broken? 

No-Show Buffy: I am the ghost of fashion victims past. Studded caps? Not a good idea.   

No-Show Buffy: I told you ... stop trying to see me. 

Jonathan: Wait a minute! We're not killing anybody. Especially not Buffy! 

Jonathan: We're not killers, we're crime lords! 

Spike: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. Gotta keep fit for the killing.

Spike: So what, you just come here to criticize my housekeeping?

Buffy: Jonathan?! You have chest hair? 

Willow: No, your hair! It *is* adorable.

Willow: The hard way. The spell-free way. The oh-my-god-my-head's-gonna-fall-off, my-feet-are-killing-me way.

Willow: You shoulda seen their headquarters, it was like, the nerd natural habitat.

Anya: Please, continue the story of failure.

Xander: Welcome to today's episode of "Go Money Go." I hear it every day.  

Buffy: Uh, yeah. The cow and chicken coming together even though they never met...It was like Sleepless in Seattle if Tom and Meg were, like, minced.

Buffy: So what's the deal with Manny the Manager? And if I ask him nice, can I write a children's book called that?

Buffy: Theory number five: cat-burgers.

Xander: It's fast food. I have swum in these murky waters, my friend. There is assorted creepiness, there is staring, there is the enthusiastic not-showing-up-at-all I think you're seeing demons where there's just, life.

Anya: Well, time is getting very short. After Willow did the, whoosh, instant engagement party, I got slack on the planning, cuz I figured she'd help. But now that's all blown to hell.

Willow: Standing right here. Standing right exactly here.

Spike: Yeah, and you chose to be in a consumer service profession. I'm a consumer. Service me.

Buffy: What? Another eight hours? Right after these eight hours? That's...so many hours.

Buffy: The beefy layer is definitely people! Probably not the chickeny part! But who knows! WHO KNOWS?!

Xander: Anya's entertaining a vengeance demon named Hallie. Say, Buff, did you ever see what Anya looked like as a demon? Because, if it was that, wow.

Xander: Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or doctor and you can use your money to support your deadbeat sister!

Buffy: We missed the bed again.

Buffy: Yeah. I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.

Spike: Are we having a conversation?

Spike: Well isn't this usually the part where you kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering?

Buffy: Is there singing?! Are we singing again?

Xander: You've been going at it too hard, Buff. We hardly ever see you, what with slinging the doublemeat and pounding the big evil.

Buffy: And I'm falling for that again because of the surprise lobotomy?

Willow: We're not going to have to do that at the wedding, are we? 'Cause there's this last thread of dignity I've been desperately clinging to.

Xander: I see sitting where yet there should be dancing.

Willow: The Funky Monkey claims another victim.

Xander: Man, a nerd goes into hiding, he really goes into hiding.

Buffy: I assume this was an act of kindness? That'll help with the not throttling.

Tara: I don't know. He seemed... cute. W-was he cute? I mean, I'm not a very good judge, but... I think he seemed cute.

Spike: I'll let you blow out my candles.

Spike: I had... a... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.

Sophie: I have a shift at the DoubleMeat. Actually, I'm okay here.

Xander: No, it's just, you know, you're upset 'cause we all wanna leave. And now we can't leave. Only thing missing is a cornfield. There ... there isn't a cornfield, is there?  

Xander: Well, 'cause you know, sometimes we do something that seems like a good idea at the time, like, say, invoke the power of a musical amulet? And it turns out, you know, not so much.

Spike: So, you ever think about *not* celebrating a birthday? Just to try it, I mean.

Halfrek: I told you I was going to take care of some business while I was here in town.

Skank-Vamp: Ooh. Know what? Let's just call it a night. If it's all the same to you, and you've been eating that stuff ... I'm not so sure I want to bite you.

Dawn: Some vamp get rough with you?

Buffy: [Riley] And -- were you always this tall?

Buffy: My hat has a cow.

Riley: I hear you. Got big stories to tell you, too. We get half a sec, we can compare and contrast.

Buffy: I'm gonna win...

Anya: I think maybe we died in this car on the way to the airport. And now we're in hell.

Xander: I'm not. I hate my uncle. I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you -- to start a new family, have children, make them hate us, then, when they get married -- sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life.

Xander: Why did we ever agree to let your friends -- who are demons -- and my family -- who are monsters -- stay at our place?

Anya: I can only do so much, Xander! Planning this Marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.

Buffy: I ... have a house. And I think it's safe. Sometimes, you can't even leave!

Willow: Just so you know: I am prepared to hate this woman any way you want.

Willow: That's the beauty. YOU can't, I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for both of us.

Buffy: Which means we find the nest -- as in now -- or Sunnydale turns into the TROUBLE Meat Palace. I wish I'd said something else.

Buffy: This isn't possible He's too ... Incompetent! Its just Spike, Riley.

Buffy: Yes! I think it was a rollicking adventure, fun for the whole family!

Riley: Hey. You want me to say I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color, or that the burger smell is -- Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved and the strongest woman I ever knew. And I'm not advertising this to the missus, but still quite the hottie.

Buffy: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just being weak, and selfish -- and it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry, William.

Buffy: I'm Buffy the bridesmaid.

Willow: Duty-schmooty. I'm s'posed to be the best man. Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrichy in a dashing tuxedo number?

Xander: Aw man. What if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund and the whole world sees the place where my pants meet my shirt? That can't happen Buffy! I must wear das cummerbund!

Buffy: You look really great, Mr. About-to-get-married. You're glowing. Omigod, Xander Maybe you're pregnant!

Buffy: Yes. It doesn't change anything, but if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts.

Spike: I'm sorry. Or... Good!

Spike: It's nice, watching you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, um... you glow.

Willow: I'll say this for the Y chromosome: looks good in a tux.

Willow: It's a good thing I realized I was gay. 'Cause otherwise, hey, you, me and formal wear...

Tara: Uh, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.

D’Hoffryn: Halfrek, you know I love all my demons equally.

D’Hoffryn: Oh, Anyanka. I'm sorry. You let him domesticate you. When you were a vengeance demon you were powerful, at the top of your game. You crushed men like him. It's time you got back to what you do best, don't you think?

Buffy: Um, you didn't by any chance just eat a bunch of nerds, did you?

Willow: Hi, um... Tara. How are you? I was wondering... do you want to go out sometime? For coffee? Or food? Or kisses and gay love?

Buffy: I could wrestle naked in grease for a living and still be cleaner than after a shift at the Doublemeat.

Buffy: She was kinda… she got a little broken.

Willow: Okay, okay. Calm now. Let's turn around and release our very manly... thing... the other way.

Doctor: No, Buffy. None of that is real. None of it. You're in a mental institution. You're ill. You've been with us six years now, do you remember?

Xander: Come on! That's ridiculous! What, you think this isn't real just 'cause of all the vampires and the demons and the ex-Vengeance demons and the sister that used to be a ball of universe-destroying energy?

Doctor: Buffy, we want to help you get better. And I think you want that too. Isn't that why your friends are doing these horrible things to each other? And your enemies -- look at them. You used to create grand villains to battle against. And now what is it? Just ordinary people you went to high school with. Not gods or monsters. Just three pathetic little men who like to play with toys.

Warren: Andrew's demon pet's done some number on the Slayer. She's tripping like a Ken Russell film festival.

Buffy: [An institurion] I was only there a couple of weeks. I stopped talking about it so they let me go. And eventually, my parents just... forgot.

Buffy: What if I never left? What if I'm still in that clinic?

Doctor: That's right. Last summer, when you had a momentary awakening, it was them that pulled you back in.

Xander: Hello? I'm back. Clean and with the better smell now.

Buffy: Sure it is... 'Cause what's more real? A sick girl in an institution? Or some type of. . . supergirl. Chosen to fight demons and save the world? That's ridiculous.

Joyce: Buffy, fight it! You can beat this thing. You're too good to give up. Be strong, honey. I know you're afraid. I know the world feels like a hard place sometimes, but you've got people that love you. Your dad and I, we have all the faith in the world in you. We'll always be with you. There's a world of strength in your heart, honey. I know there is. You just have to find it again. Believe in yourself.

Doctor: I'm so sorry. There's no reaction at all. I'm afraid we've lost her.

Buffy: You tell them if you want. Go ahead. Rock the boat. Rock and roll it the hell over. My friends and I'll still be groovin' with the movin'. Know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week and guess how much they hate me now? Zero. Zero much. So I'm thinking, sleeping with you... They'll deal.

Buffy: Because I don't love you.

Tara: And Buffy's okay too? Enjoying the refreshing sanity and so forth?

Buffy: Yeah, but you stole a toothbrush. As rebellious teenagers go, you're kinda square.

Buffy: Hey, you didn't steal anything from the pet store, did you?

Jonathan: I do this wrong, it's gonna surge and we'll be deader than an ex-girlfriend.

Xander: I know that there's nothing I can do or say to make up for what I did. I can't -- sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I'm like, oh God, is this my life? Was that me?

Xander: But you have to believe me, please, that I want to make up for it, I want to take away the hurt, I love you. So much.

Anya: Yes, honesty now. Congratulations, Xander, for being honest now, I wonder what the medal will say.

Buffy: [to Dawn] Yes, well, technically, you're one-and-a-half. See, I thought a little levity might, okay, but also no.

Anya: Actually, there is an eensy something I could use a little help with. You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let's talk about Xander.

Anya: Don't you wish his eyes would explode?

Dawn: Right! That word. There's vengeance demons out there that are still active, remember. Any 'I wish' could totally end in horrible grossness.

Anya: Okay! Let's talk about torture!

Anya: Tell me more about wishing Xander's guts and brains would go blooey.

Anya: Oh! Right, the mad thieving. Good, yes, there 's much to do. I'm gonna put you to work, missy! So, back to Xander's brain and guts...

Anya: God! What kind of lesbian are you?! If you love men so much, go love men!

Anya: Congratulations. They all still love you. Even after what you did to me.

Buffy: Or, in the Land of the Sane, you could give her some space and let her cool down.

Buffy: Okay, see, this is why a heart to heart isn't your best course of action here. You're both upset and angry and what the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? Did Willow put that there when I was dead? 'Cause if I had known, I would have crawled out of the grave sooner to kick her –

Spike: I care. What he did to you, I've never stooped that low, and I'm an "evil, souless thing" according to some people-

Spike: Never! I was always going above and beyond. I saved the Scoobies how many times? And I can't stand the lot of you.

Spike: You do.. That's why you're the only one of them I wouldn't bite if I had the chance.

Spike: Absolutely. I have nothing but respect for a woman who is forthright. Drusilla was always straightforward. Didn't have a single buggering clue about what was going on right in front of her, but she was straight about it. That's a virtue.

Anya: You know I'm only doing this 'cause I'm lonely and I'm drunk and you smell good.

Andrew: He is so cool... And, I mean, the girl is hot. Too.

Dawn: So... This is it. This is the stuff you've been protecting me from? You and Spike?

Buffy: I kinda didn't admit it to myself.

Buffy: Didn't take long, did it?

Xander: O-oh! Okay... then you had to do it. Because he was there. Like Mt. Everest. Like I used to be.

Xander: So you bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive?

Anya: Where do you get off judging me-

Xander: When this is your solution to our problems? I hurt you so you get me back? Very mature.

Anya: No, the mature solution is to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so no one will notice you're just a scared, insecure little boy!

Spike: Good enough for Buffy.

Tara: There's so much to work through. Trust has to build again, on both sides... you have to learn if you're even the same people you were, if you can fit in each other's lives, it's a long and important process and can we just skip it? Can you just be kissing me now?

Willow: Yeah, I totally knew. [Not!]

Dawn: No! I'm totally not here. You guys do whatever you want. I'll watch TV. Really loud. In the basement. Where I can't hear. Anything. Oh my god! Oh my god! I love you guys!

Buffy: Being here. After I was brought back... You have no idea how hard it is just being here.

Buffy: You didn't want to know.

Spike: It wasn't for you. I wanted something -- anything to make this feeling stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Buffy: Ask me again why I could never love you.

Warren: Okay. But can I ask you something first? You think maybe you could put a word in for me with that Anya chick? 'Cause if she's taking it from a vamp, I think I might have a chance -- No wonder she's screwing a dead guy. You hit like a girl.

Xander: It's Klingon. They're love poems -- which have nothing to do with the insidious scheme you're about to describe.

Spike: We were never together. Not really. She wouldn't lower herself that far.

Andrew: Man, I can't wait to get my hands on his orbs.

Warren: I was wondering when Super Bitch would show up.

Andrew: How could he do that to me? He promised we'd be together. He was just using me. He never really loved -- hanging out with us.

Buffy: Warren. Jonathan and Andrew got klinked, but Warren pulled a Rocket Man. It was a thing.

Demon: You may not violate the laws of natural passing.

Andrew: He will. He's just coming up with a plan. Like in "War Games", remember? That decoder Matthew Broderick used?

Rack: Right. What were you, a band or something?

Rack: I can't guarantee anything. Not this time. The girl is running on fury. Never felt anything like it.

Xander: You've got to stop doing this. I mean the dying thing is funny once. Maybe twice-

Buffy: And we'll catch him - and he'll go to jail. Believe me, I'm finding the whole getting shot very motivating.

Xander: You made the decision to stop for a reason. You promised us. And can I just ask - what's with the make-over of the damned? I mean, the hair-

Willow: He hit Tara. When he shot you, he hit her too. Upstairs. In my room.

Willow: She's dead. And now he's dead.

Dawn: I do. And you should too. He killed Tara - and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay.

Buffy: There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't want to believe it - and now she's messing with forces that want to hurt her. All of us.

Clem: Or we could rent videos. I've been dying to see The Wedding Planner.

Xander: So Willow's all wrathy - why don't you go to her? Isn't that your gig?

Anya: I'll help. But I'm helping Willow.

Willow: Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend you killed my girlfriend-

Willow: Now you get off on it. That's why you had such a mad-on for the slayer. She was the big O - wasn't she, Warren?

Willow: Bored now.

Willow: One down.

Jonathan: Why wait - I'll tell him myself. Come in, Warren, do you read me, your girlfriend's pathetic, over.

Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive. Tara's dead. Willow found out and being the most powerful Wicca in the western hemisphere, she went for the payback. With interest.

Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and you two are next.

Jonathan: Yes we did. We signed on. We teamed up. We wanted to see where all our plans would take us, well take a look.

Andrew: Are you kidding? She's like Dark Phoenix up there! And you expect us to just outrun her?

Xander: Boys? If you don't knock it off, I will pull this car over and you can just walk to your painful deaths from here.

Clem: Still, I feel responsible. It's not fair - girl your age, cooped up in a crypt. Tell you what: let me get my hat and coat - I'll take you to a movie. We'll go nuts. PG- thirteen.

Spike: Right. Here we are now. Entertain us.

Xander: And I could smack you so hard your eyeballs switch sockets.

Willow: No, honey. I am the Magicks.

Willow: No - please, you're telling me you don't remember? You used to be ...what, some mystic ball of energy. Maybe that's why you're crying all the time, "Dawny." You don't belong here.

Willow: Wanna go back? End the pain? You'll be happier. I'd be happier. We'll all be a lot happier without having to listen to all your constant whining.

Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?

Anya: The annoying virgin has a point.

Anya: I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which one I want.

Anya: [about Spike] That wasn't vengeance. It was solace.

Xander: You think I don't know that? You think I'm the hero of this piece? I saw the gun. Before Warren even raised it, I saw it, and... I couldn't move. He shot two of my friends before I could even... You want me to know how useless I am? That it's my fault? Thanks. Already got the memo.

Willow: Let me tell you something about Willow: she's a loser. And she always has been. Everyone picked on Willow in junior high, high school, up until college with her stupid mousy ways and now - Willow's a junkie.

Willow: The only thing Willow was ever good for...- the only thing going for me - were those moments – just moments - when Tara would look at me and I was wonderful. And that will never happen again.

Willow: Ack! Please! This is your pitch? You hate it here as much as I do. I'm just more honest about it.

Willow: You're trying to sell me on the world. The one where you lie to your friends when you're not trying to kill them and you screw a vampire just to feel and insane asylums are the comfy alternative. This world? Buffy, it's me! I know you were happier in the ground - hanging with the worms. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole life is when you were dead. Until Willow brought you back.

Buffy: I said I didn't want to. Didn't say I wouldn't.

Willow: Come on! This is a huge deal for me! Six years as a side man, and now I get to be the Slayer.

Willow: Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.

Buffy: Then show me what you got. And I'll show you what a Slayer is.

Willow: Buffy, I gotta tell you - I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world with the power to stop me now.

Willow: Uh oh. Daddy's home... I'm in wicked trouble now.

Willow: Thanks, but I can kill a couple of geeks all by myself. But, hey, if you'd like to watch... I mean, that's what you Watchers are good at, right? Watching... Butting in on things that don't concern you...

Willow: Remember we had that little spat before you left? When you were under the delusion you were still relevant here? You called me a rank arrogant amateur? Well, buckle up Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.

Giles: Contained her and her powers within a binding field. It puts her in a kind of stasis for the time--You've cut your hair.

Anya: I'm blonde! I colored my hair. Again. I'm blonde.

Buffy: She has. She was - and I barely even noticed. Everything's been so... Dawn's a total klepto, Xander left Anya at the altar and Anya became a demon again. And I - I'm so... I've been sleeping with Spike.

Buffy: Oh, Giles... You were right to leave. We're just... stupid.

Xander: I don't know, okay? I can't even run away well. And that's something I'm usually good at.

Anya: She's going to drain the planet's life force, funnel its energy through Proserpexa's effigy and burn the Earth to a cinder.

Anya: I don't know. He said "the Slayer can't stop her." Then he said a bunch of other stuff... he wasn't too... clear. I should hurry and get back to him. He's... alone.

Anya: I... I don't think he has a lot of time.

Xander: Hey, black-eyed girl...Whatcha doin'?

Willow: I'm not joking, Xander. Get out of my way. Now.

Anya: Giles? Giles. Don't die. Not yet. I... There are... I need to tell you...Thanks a lot for coming. I mean, it was nice of you to teleport all this way-- Though, in retrospect, it might have been better if you hadn't come and given her all that magic that made her ten times more powerful... that would have been a plus.

Willow: Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?

Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.

Xander: I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid and hey, still want to hang. You're Willow.

Xander: First day of kindergarten you cried 'cause you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion but the thing is, yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. You wanna kill the world, you start with me. I've earned that.

Giles: In any case, the magic she took from me tapped into the spark of humanity she had left. Allowed her to feel again... Giving Xander the opportunity to reach her.

Giles: [about Xander] It was he that got to her in time. He saved us all.  

Buffy: Things have sucked lately, but it's all gonna change - and I want to be there when it does. I want to see my friends happy again.

Spike: So, give me what I want. Make me what I was... so Buffy can get what she deserves.

Voice: Very well. Your soul is returned to you.

Season seven

Dawn: But he’s new. He doesn’t know his strength. He might not know all those fancy martial arts skills they inevitably seem to pick up.

Dawn: Yeah, I planned to get killed, come back as a vampire, and bite you.

Giles: You know we can’t. This isn’t a hobby or an addiction. It’s inside you now, this magick. You’re responsible for it.

Willow: When you brought me here, I thought it was to kill me. Or to lock me in some mystical dungeon for all eternity here, with the torture. Instead you go all Dumbledore on me. I’m learning about magick, all about energy and Gaia and root systems.

Willow: I want to be Willow.

Buffy: My sister’s about to go to the same high school that tried to kill me for three years. I can’t change districts, I can’t afford private school, and I can’t begin to prepare for what could possibly come out of there. So… peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.

Buffy: Go, talk with your mouth full.

Xander: Well, the last two principals were eaten. Who’d even apply for that job?

Dawn: Hey, Buffy, I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m not going to see anybody that’s invisible.

Buffy: You didn’t really think she’s my… it’s my hair. I have mom hair.

Dawn: I know! You never know what’s coming, the stake is not the power, To Serve Man is a cookbook.

Halfrek: Waitress downtown wished her husband was a frog? You made him French.

Xander: Ah, being popular isn’t so great. Or so I’ve read in books.

Dawn: Lesson One, it's always real.

Dawn: And, Buffy? Isn’t this reception amazing? I’m in the frickin’ basement!

Buffy: Again, wrong sister. I’m the one that dates dead guys. And no offense but they were hotties. I mean, I’m sure you had a great personality…

Spike: Nobody comes in here. It’s just the three of us.

Spike: I tried… I tried to cut it out.

Wood: Well, that’s great! Look at that. It’s not even noon and I’ve already bullied my first family member into helping out. I’m going to be the best principal ever.

Mayor Wilkins: So what’d you think? You’d get your soul back and everything would be Jim Dandy? A soul’s slipperier than a greased weasel. Why do you think I sold mine? Well, you probably thought that you’d be your own man and I respect that. But you never will.

Master: Right back to the beginning. Not the Bang, not the Word. The true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride and I think we’re all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You’ll learn you’re a pathetic schmuck… if it hasn’t sunk in already. Look at you. Tried to do what’s right. Just like her. You still don’t get it. It’s not about right. Not about wrong.

Buffy: It’s about power.

Dawn: I mean, it's just so cool. You're coming to school with me. You'll be, like, there the whole time. You understand you cannot talk to me, look at me, or hang out with any of my friends, right?

Xander: At a spankin’ new Hellmouth High. Please… outside of drugs and violence and unwanted pregnancy and… the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of the school’s foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?

Buffy: Hello, I’m sorry… wasn’t that you having the smoochathon with teen vampire last Halloween?

Wood: I think you're gonna fit in just fine.

Buffy: Was it my sparkling personality? Or maybe you enjoyed my work at the Doublemeat Palace?

Willow: Yes, and my fear is being an obnoxious blabbermouth.

Giles: I'd love to offer you some guarantee that you'd be welcomed back to Sunnydale with open arms, but I can't. You may not be wanted, but you will be needed.

Spike: What you need is help. Fortunately, you've got me.

Buffy: New clothing, better hair. Not so much with the crazy— I like it.

Dawn: I’m command central so everybody check in with me. Okay, I’ll be here doing my homework but the other one sounded cooler.

Dawn: Well, I can’t take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all… touch her… you’re going to wake up on fire.

Spike: And when exactly did your sister get unbelievably scary?

Spike:.We've been through things, the end of the world and back. I can be useful 'cause, honestly, I've got nothing better to do. Make use of me if you will.

Xander: Right. Sunnydale— come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.

Xander: Are you ok? Dumb question. Are you hurt?

Anya: You wish it, I dish it. I thought we were clear on this. I didn't think you were going to go all narc on me.

Nancy: Is there anyone here who hasn’t slept together?
Xander and Spike exchange a look.

Anya: I am so gonna kick your ass.

Spike: That's right, Big Bad's back, and looking for a little death.

Spike: Costume. Didn’t help. Couldn’t hide.

Spike: No more mind games. No more mind.

Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?

Buffy: You got your soul back. How?

Spike: And now everybody’s in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I… and him… and it… the other. The thing beneath…beneath you. It’s here, too. Everybody. They all just tell me go. Go… to hell.

Spike: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn’t? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev— To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness and everybody will forgive and love… and he will be loved. So everything’s okay, right?

Spike: Can we rest now? Buffy, can we rest?

Xander: I used yellow crayon. It was a thing from when I talked to Willow on the bluff. I hope she gets it.

Xander: I saved the world with talking from my mouth. My mouth saved the world.

Dawn: She didn't finish? She didn't finish being not evil?

Xander: Well, I've avoided Giles tons of times. Just meant I was lazy, not evil.

Dawn: So Giles is blaming Giles, and we're blaming us. Is anyone gonna blame Willow? Oh, don't give me shock face. I mean, will anyone around here ever start asking for help when they need it?

Anya: What are you doing here? I thought you were with Giles studying how to not kill people.

Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons: We don't group with the "sorry." We prefer "Oh, God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones."

Anya: Then you won't mind? Well, then, that's no fun.

Willow: Wait, Spike's what in the whatment?

Buffy: And yet my eyes refuse to look away. Stupid eyes.

Spike: Everyone's talking to me. No one's talking to each other.

Xander: Her boy? I'm her boy?

Anya: This isn't going to get all sexy, is it?

Buffy: Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.

Dawn: It's smellementary. Also, I'm sure there's tons of stuff like this. You know, procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells. Just good solid detective work. And we can develop a database of tooth impressions and demon skin samples and I could wear high heels more often.

Spike: I'm insane. What's his excuse?

Buffy: Oh, got it. It says the paralysis is permanent. No, oh, wait, my bad. Permanent until the creature dies. Sorry.

Xander: Oh! You're poseable.

Anya: No, they didn't leave you. They can't see you.

Buffy: Wow. That's magic, right? I mean, when most people when they meditate don't get extra skin, right. 'Cause Clem should, like, cut back.

Dawn: You know, I'm not the shortest one here. I don't know why I had to be in the kid coffin.

Willow: Have you googled her yet?

Buffy: You're asking my sister to the dance, and she's your second choice?

Spike: Here to help. No hurting the girl.

Cassie: She'll tell you. Someday she'll tell you.

Buffy: Strong, successful males say "giddy"?

Anya: The rapid reproductive rate of our rabbits has given me an idea. I can give the excess out to the townspeople, exchanging them not for goods or services, but for goodwill and the sense of accomplishment that stems from selflessly giving of yourself to others.

Olaf: Ha, ha, ha! Sweet Aud! Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll. It is no wonder that the bar matrons talk of you.

Buffy: Spike. This basement is killing you. This is the hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.

Willow: For God's sake, shut your whimpering mouth!

Village Man: Run! Hide your babies and your beadwork!

Village Man: The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!

Village Man: Hit him with fruits and various meats.

D’Hoffryn: I'm afraid you don't see your true self. You are Anyanka. I'm a patron of a family of sorts. We're vengeance demons. I'm sure you've heard of us.

Olaf: Come here tiny man. You are small and toy like.

Anya: They all deserve it.

Buffy: Xander. It's OK. She didn't tell us for a reason. She didn't tell us because she knows what I have to do. I have to kill Anya.

Anya: The worker will overthrow absolutism and lead the proletariat to a victorious communist revolution, resulting in socio-economic paradise on earth. It's common sense, really.

Anya: I'm talking about life. Vengeance is what I do, Halfrek. I don't need anything else. Vengeance is what I am.

Xander: Then don't! This isn't new ground for us. When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them.

Buffy: I know. And that's why you can't see this for what it really is. Willow was different. She's a human. Anya's a demon.

Buffy: And Anya did! She chose to become a demon. Twice.

Buffy: I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with - I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life. And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.

Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow's message: Kick his ass.

Buffy: It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line, and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end the slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.

D’Hoffryn: I figured I'd be hearing from you soon. The flaying of Warren Meers? Oh, truly inspired. That was water cooler vengeance. Lloyd has a sketch of it on his wall.

Anya: Everyone is so considerate today. I should've slaughtered people weeks ago.

Anya: This is getting to be a pattern with you, Buffy. Are there any friends of your left you haven't tried to kill?

D’Hoffryn: Why? Because you wished it!

D’Hoffryn: Haven't I taught you anything, Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain.

D’Hoffryn: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. From beneath you, it devours. Be patient. All good things in time.

Anya: Thanks. For everything.

Anya: Xander - what if I'm really nobody?

Xander: You're gonna live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet, but it's a room now.

Xander: Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan? Fine. I invite you in. Nimrod.

Xander: Why not? Crazy-Basement-Guy is better than Stalking-Buffy-Guy.

Buffy: It's not coddling. Now go to your closet.

Anya: Well, I-I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing - except when she's evil. And Dawn - she's not really good for anything.

Xander: Right, with the wailing and the crying... Still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza?

Xander: Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.

Xander: It's the jacket. It's true. Something about the big letter on the chest makes girls get all swoony and crushy. I saw it all the time in school. And you couldn't just pin any old felt letter to your coat and get play - not that I tried.

Buffy: At least he's showering, and that's a refreshing and delightful change.

Buffy: The one who, according to Dawn, is the quote smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school unquote.

Willow: Right there with ya, hon.

Buffy: So, do you have plans later, or are you just gonna go down to the docks and wait for the fleet to come in?

Buffy: OK, first with the lap dance, now with the catfight. Hey, you wanna get drunk and barf next?

Xander: Now get off the boy, Buffy. We're going home.

Buffy: Why? Because he's younger than me? You know, I'm extremely youthful. And peppy.

Xander: Well, at least the yelling went away. It was starting to sound like Christmas morning with my family.

Anya: Even if you find the right one, the guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell... spell.

Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman - and he isn't.

Willow: There's a simple answer to this. Just think about who loves him the most. Clearly I do, since I'm willing to look past the whole orientation thing.

Willow: You'd kill for a chocolate bar.

Anya: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do - use magic to make him into a girl? Damn!

Buffy: Well, I wouldn't put it past her. She's recently evil, you know.

Buffy: Nah. Well, yeah. My God, that boy is hot. Sorry. I think I might be under a spell here.

Xander: You fell for a mystical, ancient curse. Who hasn't made that mistake seven, eight times?

Jonathan: Of course I'm scared. Last time we were here, 33.3bar percent of us were flayed alive.

Andrew: "It eats you starting with your bottom."

Dawn: Anchovies, anchovies, you're so delicious. I love you more than all the other fishes.

Buffy: Men. I know how to pick 'em.

Buffy: Yeah, what I really need is emotional therapy from the evil dead.

Andrew: We find it. We alert the slayer. We help her destroy it. We save Sunnydale. Then we join her gang and possibly hang out at her house.

Andrew: You keep leaving me. I hate it when you leave me. One time you died, and I ended up a Mexican.

Holden: It's not exactly like you have the patent on bad relationships.

Buffy: OK, you know, this is beyond evil. This is insane troll logic.

Holden: Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you.

Holden: Oh, well, you know, not my God, because I defy him and all of his works, but - Does he exist? Is there word on that, by the way?

Willow: A lot of people grieve. They don't make with the flaying.

Willow: I am the power. It's in me. Did I mention the random destruction of property?

Willow: I am the power. It's in me. Did I mention the random destruction of property? The Magic Box is not so much a box now.

Cassie: So go. Be with her. Everybody will be safe, and you'll be together again. It's not that bad. Really. It's just like going to sleep.

Willow: Who are you?

Joyce: When it's bad, Buffy won't choose you. She'll be against you.

Cassie: You don't know hurt. This last year's gonna seem like cake after what I put you and your friends through, and I am not a fan of easy death. Fact is, the whole good-versus-evil, balancing the scales thing - I'm over it. I'm done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I'm going for a big finish.

Willow: From beneath you, it devours.

Cassie: Oh, not it. Me.

Xander: I don't know, creature of the night, Buff. He's probably out creaturing.  

Xander: Why would a vampire lie about who sired him. What's that? Some kind of status symbol for the undead. My sire can beat up your sire.  

Xander: OK, let's look at this objectively. Figure it out in a cold, impersonal, CSI-like manner 'cause we're a couple of carpet fibers away from a case.  

Anya: Yeah, but you don't think so. OK, have you searched his room for clues? Trophies from victims? Killers like to keep trophies sometimes. Scalps, necklaces made from human teeth.  

Anya: All I'm saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and halfway to happy land by now.  

Anya: I used to tell the truth all the time when I was evil.  

Buffy: Oh, uh, actually, I need some help. I'm looking for this guy. Bleach-blonde hair, leather jacket, British accent? Kind of sallow, but in a hot way?  

Xander: Oh, an out of control serial killer. You're right, that is a great houseguest.

Anya: Shouldn't we stab him through the chest? Isn't that what we do when these things happen? 

Willow: No, I have to get out of the house. Xander's installing the new windows, and he keeps giving lectures on proper tool maintenance. Tool talk—not my thing.  

Willow: I'm talking. Don't interrupt me, insignificant man. I am Willow. I am death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true. OK?  

Anya: No, you were great! And I wasn't sure if I should slap him, but then he made me want to slap him, so I thought, OK, slap him!  

Anya: Maybe it's another musical. A much crappier musical.  

Buffy: I know these guys. I fought them before. We aren't being haunted. This isn't some demon. It's all the same thing. Spike's ghosts, the people you guys saw, from beneath us, it's all the same thing. I know what we're up against. The First.

Xander: It's a loop...like the Mummy Hand. I'm doomed to replace these windows for all eternity.  

Anya: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?" Or terrified. Whatever.  

Dawn: There's blood on this. Lots. Looks like the first made another sacrifice. Or a music video.  

Giles: Sorry to barge in. We have a slight apocalypse.  

Buffy: You know, I didn't even realize it was December. Maybe when we get home, we should decorate the rubble.

Joyce: Buffy, evil isn't coming, it's already here. Evil is always here. Don't you know? It's everywhere.  

Xander: Who's joking? That pantry thing could work. Are you saying M. Night Shamalayan lied to us?  

Buffy: I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell, and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Oh, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now. 'Cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts one by one, until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that's us. Any questions?

Andrew: I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or, speak up so I can hear you. I'm bored. Episode 1 bored.

Anya: Don't be so dramatic, Torg. You don't even have a heart. Six spleens, two stomachs, half a brain maybe, but no heart.

Anya: You're rejecting my offer of sexual bribery? What am I, a leper in this town? I can't even give it away!

Andrew: Ow! Watch it! That's my joystick hand.

Beljoxa’s Eye: The eye sees not the future, only the truth of the now and before.

Anya: Yes, we've all got that - it's called memory. Can you help us out with something a little bit more demony?

Willow: Facing my fear. I'm facing my fear. Hear that, Fear? I'm facing you.

Giles: It's not because she died. The Beljoxa's Eye was quite clear about that in its enigmatic way. It's because she lives. Again. Buffy's not responsible for that.

Anya: Oh. Oh. Willow and me and Xander and Tara. We're the ones who brought Buffy back. We're - we're the reason The First is here, the reason those girls were murdered. No, it's our fault. The world would've been better off if Buffy had just stayed dead.

Buffy: Xander, I know… I’m sorry. If you’re going to take a shower at my house, lock the door. Of course they’re curious.

Amanda: Do people ever think you’re weird?

Xander: Wait, the seers couldn’t find out her name or her address or anything? Am I getting the definition of "seer" wrong?

Buffy: You’re like a small dog dancing for Snausages.

Buffy: He’s not evil but when he gets close to it, he picks up its flavor, like a mushroom or something.

Andrew: Killing pigs is just so wrong… and also hard…

Anya: Yes, it’s like one second you’re this klutzy teenager with fake memories and a history of kleptomania and then suddenly you’re a hero. A hero with a much abbreviated life span.

Andrew: Holy crap. Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life… handed a destiny…

Xander: Say Skywalker and I smack you.

Xander: Seven years, Dawn. Working with the Slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful. A witch, a demon. Hell, I could fit Oz in my shaving kit but come a full moon he had a wolfy mojo not to be messed with. Powerful, all of them. And I’m the guy who fixes the windows.

Xander: They’ll never know how tough it is, Dawnie. To be the one who isn’t chosen, to live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.

Giles: I don't think they appreciate the gravity of what we're undertaking. How frightening and difficult it is. Apparently somebody told them that the visionquest consists of me taking them into the desert and doing the hokey pokey until a "spooky rasta mama Slayer" appears and talks to them in riddles.

Giles: Yes. S'mores. I'm going to end up singing campfire songs, aren't I?

Spike: It's like a bloody war zone up there. And not in the fun way.

Spike: Who you gonna call? God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?

Willow: You know, there are other stories from kindergarten, non-yellow-crayon stories, in which you don't come out in such a good light. An incident involving Aquaman Underoos, for example. Want me to start talkin'?

Anya: Which means we're already too late, we're heading out to the middle of nowhere -- Just a teenager, a powerless former demon and two big geeks.

Giles: Yes. Good. We all feel each other. Including those of us who don't really know each other well enough to take such liberties. I assume there's a perfectly reasonable and not-at-all insane explanation coming, yes?

Anya: We thought you might be non-corporeal evil.

Giles: Well, I... I really don't know what to...Wait, let me understand. You thought I was evil because I took a group of young girls on a camping trip and didn't touch them??

Initiative General: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help Ass-face here. Those were his exact words, ma'am.

Spike: Anya said you were The First. Said you were evil. You're supposed to be all, y'know, go-through-able!

Buffy: It's not even that his behavior's that suspicious. But there he is, right over the Hellmouth all day every day. It's gotta be like being showered with evil, only from underneath.

Andrew: Confidentially, a lot of her people are murderers. Anya and Willow and Spike...

Spike: You tried to record the ultimate evil? Why? In a complex effort to royally piss it off?

Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me! But I've got the answer! Willow! Gay me up! C'mon! Let's gay! You heard me. Tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula, that's a start, right?

Buffy: What if you just start attracting male demons?

Spike: It's my bone! Just drop it.

Buffy: The Hellmouth below us is starting its semi-annual percolation. Usually blows around May.

Andrew: Where the hell have you been? This funnel cake is kicking my ass.

Andrew: I like to think of myself more as a "Guest-age."

Willow: Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.

Anya: But you fought like such a wimpire, what with the lifting and the running.

Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You’re our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the".

Buffy: Well, from now on I’m your leader as in "do what I say".

Xander: It’s cryptic. I don’t like it. Every time instructions get cryptic, someone gets hurt. Usually me.

Anya: You missed her "everyone sucks but me" speech. If she’s so superior, let her find her own way back.

Shadow man #3 (subtitle; Swahili): You are the Hellmouth’s last guardian.

Anya: Why can’t you just masturbate like the rest of us?

Buffy: If you’re running to catch the bus naked, that’s a dream. Army of vicious vampire creatures, that’s a vision. Also, I was awake.

Wood: I don’t know why any of you should trust each other. You’ve all been evil at some point, right?

Buffy: What? You stabbed Jonathan to death. What were you trying to do? Scratch his back from the front?

Buffy: Hey, any apocalypse I avert without dying. Those are the easy ones.

Giles: Have you seen the new library? It's nothing but computers. Not a book to be seen. I don't know where to begin... Buffy, who do we talk to?

Giles: Knowledge comes from crafted bindings and pages, Buffy, not ones and zeroes.

Buffy: I dunno. I mean... Not like it had a catchy hook or anything, like, "I'm Comin' Up So You Better Get This Party Started." It was boring, old, and English. Just like yo--ul. Brynner. Yul Brynner. A... British Yul Brynner.

Spike: Oh, bollocks-- All the rubbish people keep sticking in my head...it's a wonder there's room for my brain.

Andrew: Willow. Call for you. From L.A. Somebody named Fred. Guy sounds kinda effeminate.

Spike: Hard day's principal-ing got you down, need a place to cut loose, let down your hair...So to speak.

Giles: Spike is a liability, Buffy. He refuses to see that. And so do you. Angel left here because he knew how harmful your relationship with him was. Spike, on the other hand, lacks such self-awareness.

Faith: Are you protecting vampires? Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?

Spike: Angel's dull as a table lamp. And we have very different coloring.

Spike: Not all that tension was about you. Giles was a part of a plan to kill me...for Buffy's own good.

Faith: Well, that makes me feel better about me, worse about Giles...kinda shaky about you.

Andrew: [re: volcanologist] Silly, silly... Amanda. Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?

Faith: Three squares, nice weight room, movie every third Sunday. Could've been worse. Last one was Glitter. I guess it couldn't have been worse.

Faith: Don't even tell me little Miss Tightly-Wound's been getting her naughty on?

Andrew: Godzilla's mostly Tokyo-based, so he's probably a no-show.

Xander: Matthew Broderick did not kill Godzilla. He killed a big, dumb lizard. That was not the real Godzilla.

Xander: Well, that's where, generally speaking, you'd go to find the bad guy. And I don't think you came here to fight plaque.

Xander: I've been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She's stopped everything that's ever come up against her. She's laid down her life—literally—to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she's still standing. You're scared? That's smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy's all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle. I've seen her heart, and this time—not literally. And I'm telling you, right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it.

Faith: Damn. I never knew you were that cool.

Anya: Ok, I know you're all upset, and I, myself would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiancé than killing time here with you people in this over-crowded and might I add increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot immediately following some exciting and unexpected break-up sex.

Giles: [Re Andrew] There may be demons... lurking about. You never know. He's a demon expert. He can help. ... Well, he can bring his pan flute thing along. Excellent. Off you go.

Buffy: [Re Caleb] Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head? You betcha. The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested.

Xander: That's fine. Parties in this house, I usually end up having to... rebuild something.

Anya: And it's automatically you. You really do think you're better than we are. Buf we don't know. We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy. But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.

Anya: Let the girl speak the truth. We're all on death's door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.

Xander: Yeah, I'll get the magazines and start ripping out the letters now. "Dear Mr. First, if you want your Bringer back... well, we'll be surprised because you've got like three million of them so please disregard this letter. Yours sincerely-"

Dawn: There's a translation of it!? I'm over it.

Spike: He's a breath of fresh air, isn't he? Thank god I don't breathe.

Mayor Wilkins: Well, gosh! I think a "Hello" or a "Nice to see you" might be a little more welcome. It's the end of humanity Faith, not the end of courtesy.

Spike: It's bloody chaos over there without you. Yeah, it's... there's junk food cartons, sleeping bags not rolled up... Everyone's very scared and unkempt.

Faith: Oh, the school thing. I was kind of absent that decade.

Principal Wood: So did I but I still wanted my mother to hold me like a little baby. In a manly way, of course.

Anya: Of course I am! I'm a lot jealous. I mean, if we're done having sex, then I think other people should just knock it off.

Anya: Yeah, they're going to look like mortally wounded Easter baskets. 

Anya: I'll get Kennedy to watch the girls. She's tough. Imminent death won't bother her.

Xander: No, no, no... By "the end" I meant in a heroic, uplifting way. See, I'm still optimistic. You're just thrown off a little by this gritty-looking eye patch.

Xander: Besides, if you die, I'll just bring you back to life. That's what I do.

Dawn: Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don't leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

Xander: And you know what's even worse? All the stupid "it's all fun and games until someone losos an eye" jokes. "Hey, Xander, so no more fun and games, huh?"

Faith: There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're no supposed to exist toghether. 

Faith: Thank god we're hot chicks with superpowers.

Andrew: You are the perfect woman.

Anya: Stop it! I don't love them and I'll kill you if you tell anybody.

Andrew: So... wheelchair fight?

Buffy: You know me. Not  big with the damseling.

Angel: I don't know everything. It's very powerful and probably very dangerous. Has a purifying power... or a cleansing power - or possibly scrubbing bubbles, the translation is... Anyway, it bestows strength, worn by the right person.

Buffy: You vampires... Did anybody ever tell you that the whole smelling everybody thing is a little gross?

Angel: No, no, that's great. Everyone's got a *soul* now.

Angel: You know, I started it. The whole... having a soul. Before it was all the "cool new thing"...

Angel: I'm gettin' the brush off for Captain Peroxide, it doesn't bring out the champion in me.

Buffy: Everybody! Why are you so... Are you gonna come by and get all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?

Buffy: [Re Spike as boyfriend] He's not! But... He is in my heart.

Buffy: And what was the highlight of *our* relationship? The time you broke up with me or the time I killed you?

Buffy: Because... okay, I'm cookie dough, okay? I'm not done baking yet. I'm not finished becoming... whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I've been looking for someone to make me feel whole, and maybe I just need to *be* whole. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next... Maybe one day I turn around and ralize I'm eady. I'm cookies. And then if I want someone to eat m-- or, to enjoy warm delicious cookie-me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.

Angel: I ain't gettin' any older.

Xander: Don't look at me, this is a Summers' thing. It's all very violent.

Buffy: You get killed, I'm telling.

Dawn: Or, operative word "Wheee!" Nobody gets me.

Spike: So, where's Tall, Dark and Forehead?

Buffy: Goog, good, I haven't had quite enough jealous vampire crap.

Spike: Well, you're not staying here! Can't buy me off with shiny beads and sweet talk -- you've got Angel breath.

Buffy: Have you ever considered a cool name? Since you're incorporeal and basically powerless you could call yourself "The Taunter". Strikes fear...

Anya: Come on. Let's go assemble the cannon fodder.

Anya: What am I, insensitive?

Principal Wood: Please. I'm *much* prettier than you.

Willos: You know, Buffy: Sweet girl, not that gright.

Giles: Could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a hightly respected Watcher. Now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily.

Anya: Yes, we'll defend it with his very life.

Buffy: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?

Xander: Mini-golf if always the first thing that comes to mind.

Buffy: I'm pretty much thinking about shopping. As usual.

Giles: Well, no, aren't we gonna discuss this? We're saving the world to go to the mall?

Buffy: I'm having a wicked shoe craving.

Giles: And I'm just here, invisible to the eye, not having any vote...

Giles: The earth is *definitely* doomed.

Anya: Oh, God, I'm terrified. I didn't think... I just figured *you* would be terrified and I would be sarcastic about it.

Spike: My soul. It's really there. Kinda stings.

Spike: I want to see how it ends.

Xander: That's my girl. Always doing the stupid thing.

Faith: Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.

Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side!

Dawn: Yeah, Buffy. What *are* we going to do now?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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